Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Zarton.....Johnny Knoxville
Zebulon.....Chris Parnell
Human.....Will Forte
Jackson.....Kenan Thompson

[open on stock footage of a city at night with superimposed searchlights with title: "Channel 5 Late Night Movie"]

Voice Over: Welcome back to Channel Five's late night movie, "Visitors From Another Planet."

[dissolve to spaceship seen from space against backdrop of stars]

[dissolve to interior of spaceship with Zebulon and Jackson, who are aliens; all aliens wear silver spacesuits and have large craniums with three vertical ridges]

Zarton: [is an alien, entering with a man] Zebulon, I brought the Earthling I captured earlier today.

Zebulon: Excellent work, Zarton.

Human: I can't believe I got kidnapped by Martians!

Zebulon: Martians? No, we are from the planet Plargon 7.

Zarton: I told you they weren't a very intelligent species.

Zebulon: Fear not, human. We are a peaceful people, and I am sure you must have many question.

Human: Yeah, uh, did you guys build the pyramids.

Zebulon: Yes. We helped to construct your Great Pyramids many thousands of years ago.

Human: How about those crop circles?

Jackson: [sitting at console] The crop circles you speak of are manmade.

Human: Hmmm...oh, I got a good question. Why do you guys always anally probe people?

Jackson: What's that? [stands]

Human: You know, when someone gets abducted they always get anally probed. Why?

[Zarton grimaces uncomfortably]

Zebulon: Uh, we don't anally probe people.

Zarton: Q & A's over. We should get out of here, Ace.

Zebulon: Zarton! What is he talking about?

Zarton: I don't know. He's probably got space sickness or something. Don't worry, though. I'll get him out of here.

Human: I just want to know why I got probed.

Zebulon: Wait. You were anally probed?

Human: Yeah, he said it was some kind of medical experiment.

Zebulon: Zarton?

Zarton: Why would I be doing a medical experiment? I'm not a doctor.

Human: He used that long, metallic test tube he carries he carries in his spacesuit.

Zebulon: Bad news. That wasn't a test tube.

Human: Ah, well, that explains the scented candles and the Kenny Rogers music.

Jackson: Oh, man, you are so busted!

Zarton: All right, but look how he was dressed. He was asking for it.

Zebulon: He's wearing overalls.

Zarton: Yeah, but he had one strap hanging down, and he was looking over his shoulder at me like that. [he acts all this out with his body language]

Zebulon: This is inexcusable, Zarton.

Zarton: Give me a break. I thought what happened on Earth, stayed on Earth.

Zebulon: Don't they have females on Earth?

Zarton: Yes, but they're one hundred feet tall, and strong, and hard to catch. [to human] Just go with me on this one.

Human: I'm not covering for you. You probed me!

Zebulon: You are a disgrace, Zarton. Consider yourself on immediate suspension from the Plargon Fleet.

Human: Ha-ha, you got busted. [chuckles]

Jackson: I don't know what you're laughing about. You're the one who got probed.

Zebulon: Enough! Earthling, we will now send you back to your planet.

Zarton: Okay, I'll take him back.

Zebulon: Not you, Zarton. I'm talking to Jackson.

Jackson: Oh, you got it boss.

Zebulon: But before you go, Earthling, I am sorry for any trouble Zarton has caused. And as a show of good faith, I will grant you the knowledge to solve the hunger problem that plagues your planet.

Human: Thank you, Zebulon. And even though we're from different planets, you've shown me that good will can exist across the Universe.

Zebulon: Just go with Jackson in the library, and he'll provide you with all that you need.

[Jackson and the human exit stage left]

Human: [from offstage] Why are there so many candles in here?

[Kenny Rogers' "Lady" begins to play]

Zebulon: Kenny Rogers music always puts me in the mood.

Zarton: I told you these Earthlings are gullible.

Zebulon: Good job, Zarton.

[Zarton and Zebulon exit stage left, Zebulon unzipping his suit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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