Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Amy Poehler
.....Tina Fey
.....Will Forte
.....Patti Forte
Ritchie B.....Fred Armisen
Marcus.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was reelected to a record-setting third term as George Bush’s bitch.

Tina Fey: Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her own disappearance four days before her wedding, says she still intends to marry her fiancée, and that she “cannot wait to be called ‘Mrs. John Mason,’” as in “Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about your husband’s murder.” [imitating Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare] That lady looks like me.

Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s new reality series will be called “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” because somebody already used “Beverly Hillbillies.” [applause]

Amy Poehler: Us Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears’ child will be a boy, or as Kevin Federline calls it, “a boiiiieeeeee!!”

Tina Fey: Now here with a special commentary on Mother’s Day is my second-favorite cast member, Will Forte!

[pan to Will; applause]

Will Forte: Thank you, Tina! Thank you. [clears his throat] As you all know, Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and we here at “Saturday Night Live” would like to wish mothers everywhere a wonderful day. And on a more personal note, there’s someone very special to me that I’d like to wish a happy Mother’s Day, and she happens to be with us tonight, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to bring her out. [looks to his right] Mom?

[Mrs. Patti Forte enters to cheers and applause. She waves to Amy and Tina. Will puts his arm around her shoulder]

Amy Poehler: Hi, Mrs. Forte!

Tina Fey: Good to see you!

Will Forte: Mom, uh, you know, in life they say you can’t pick your mother, but if I could pick my mother, I would definitely pick you.

Patti Forte: Oh, thank you! [“aww”s from the audience]

Will Forte: And I- I wrote you a special Mother’s Day song. So just sit back, relax, and allow me to- to honor the best mother in the entire world. [piano intro begins]

Mom, you are a truly special lady.
You’re the best mother a mother could be.
You’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re an absolute joy,
And I’m really gonna miss you, when you’re dead.

[Patti gives Will a puzzled look]

Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
We’ve had such a wonderful life together.
And when that grim reaper comes to take you away,
There will be nothing I can do, to stop him.

I will cry an endless stream of tears over your coffin,
Which will be the cheapest coffin money can buy—

[aside] ‘Cause you’re not materialistic, and that’s what I love about you—

And when we cover you in dirt, never to return,
I will think fondly as we’re selling your crap.

[Patti is clearly confused at this point]

Oh Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
You were one hell of a chick to grow inside of!
I wish I had told you that I loved you before you died,
But I guess I’ll never have that chance.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Patti Forte: [still bewildered] Thanks.

Tina Fey: Will and Patti Forte, everybody! [Will and Patti hug to cheers and applause] Will and Patti Forte.

Amy Poehler: In order to help police manage aggressive begging in Minneapolis, officials are attempting to license panhandlers in the city, although anyone who has it together enough to get a panhandling license, should probably just get a job.

Tina Fey: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity has been slipping in recent months, as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor.

Amy Poehler: It was reported that while vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while making love, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like a wounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you’re better than every woman at everything! You’re prettier, you’re sexier, you’re covered in exotic tattoos.

But let me tell you something, Jolie: I will find your weakness, OK? And when I do, I’m gonna climb up those legs of yours, and I’m gonna slap that queen-size futon you call a mouth. [cheers and applause] Let me ask you this, Jolie: Did you ever win Burlington, Massachusetts’ Babysitter of the Month? What’s that? No? ‘Cause I did, so call me when you do, hotshot! Back to you, Tina. [more applause]

Tina Fey: Uh, this just in: Angelina Jolie has been named Burlington, Massachusetts’ Babysitter of the Month. [applause]

Amy Poehler: Dammit!

Tina Fey: Last week, “Insider” host Pat O’ Brien took part in a primetime interview on CBS with Dr. Phil, to discuss his recent stay in rehab for drug and alcohol problems. The program was later rebroadcast on FOX as “The World’s Most Dangerous Moustaches.”

Amy Poehler: In a show of support on Wednesday night’s program, five “American Idol” finalists presented Paula Abdul with two huge bouquets of flowers. And it worked: she slept with all of them!

Tina Fey: New images taken of an object five times the mass of Jupiter confirmed that it is a giant planet closely orbiting a distant star, and not, as I first reported, yo’ mama. I apologize.

Amy Poehler: Here with his humorous take on the world is a man who as is funny as he is in- inspiring. Please join me in welcoming deaf comedian Ritchie B, and his interpreter, Marcus.

[pan to Ritchie B and Marcus. Applause. Ritchie begins to sign]

Marcus: [watching Ritchie B] Uh, what’s up, New York, let’s hear you make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, come on, you’ve got to do better than that, I’m deaf! [More applause. Marcus speaks to Ritchie B] Good job, man! Really good job, you’re doing great.

[Ritchie B beams. After a moment, he starts signing again]

So my girlfriend just broke up with me. She said I wasn’t listening to her needs. I said, “How can I? I’m deaf!” [Less reaction from audience. Marcus indicates that the joke didn’t go so well. Ritchie B signs again]

What’s in the news? Hmm… I see that the crime rate is going up. You know how to stop black people from doing crime? [Ritchie B continues to sign] …Throw them a basketball.

[Marcus gives Ritchie B a disappointed look] Hey, hey Ritchie. That’s not cool. Not cool. [Ritchie B signs again] What else? Uh, did you hear that Chanel just came out with a new fragrance for black people?

[After a few seconds of excited grinning, Ritchie B starts to mimic eating a watermelon. Applause. Marcus taps Ritchie B on the shoulder] Hey! No way, I’m not saying that! That’s terrible! Now do one more joke, and then we’ll go.

[Ritchie B signs] Why do black people love— [Ritchie B is clearly mimicking a black person. Marcus gives up] Alright, you know what? I’m not gonna say this one, but I do have a joke for you: Ritchie B’s johnson is so small, technically it’s a third nipple. [to Ritchie B] Great job! They love you, man. Give it up, Ritchie B!

Amy Poehler: Ritchie B and Marcus, everybody! [Cheers and applause. Ritchie B mouths “Thank you”]

Tina Fey: The man who inspired Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi character is looking to open a thousand soup franchises nationwide. Way to strike while the iron is hot, dude!

Amy Poehler: A school superintendent in Michigan banned the McCord Middle School Band from performing the song “Louie, Louie,” because of its allegedly raunchy lyrics. The superintendent has also banned the clarinet, because it just don’t look right.

Nike announced that it will no longer sell its sneakers and other merchandise at Sears. Fortunately, Sears will continue to carry all the other tope brands, like Apidas, Reebork, BlueBalance, and of course, Bobos.

[Piano intro starts as Tina and Amy get up to sing and dance. Amy climbs on top of her chair]

Tina, Amy: Bobos—they make your feet feel fine!
Bobos—they cost a dollar ninety-nine!
Bobos—they’re made by hobos!
So get your hobos their Bobos, todayyyy!

[cheers and applause; Tina and Amy return to their seats]

Tina Fey: A student at MIT is planning to host a time-traveler party on campus, and is hoping that people from the future will travel back for the event. Unfortunately, people in the future already know that the party sucked. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: An anti-wrinkle facial moisturizer that is made out of semen, is being produced in Mexico. [chuckles] Mexico, huh? God only knows what’s in it! ...Oh right, semen.

The moisturizer will be used to make more moisturizer. [Delayed reaction from audience]

Tina Fey: Remember, uh, tomorrow is—

Amy Poehler: They’re getting it!

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Remember, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to TiVo the rest of the show while you go online and look for crappy flowers.

And, uh, finally tonight, on a serious note, “Weekend Update” founding editor Herb Sargent passed away this week. Uh, here he is with Chevy Chase, back in the day. [photo of Herb on the original “Update” set]

Amy Poehler: All of us, we’ll miss you very much, Herb.

Tina Fey: We wouldn’t be here without you.

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy turn to converse with each other; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts