Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19





04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Oracle Conclave 2005

Written by: Liz Cackowski

Singers.....Maya Rudolph, Will Forte, Fred Armisen
James Filau.....Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, Ramada Inn ]

[ dissolve to interior, meeting room, as Singers perform a rendition of Gloria Branigan's "Gloria" ]

Singers: "Oracle, oracle we thank you for a great year, great year, production's really u-up, u-up, thank you, Team Oracle!"

[ James Filau, dressed in a t-shirt with the red Oracle logo and the words “Oracle Conclave 2005” ironed on the front ]

James Filau: whoo! Whoo! All right. Wow, that was really special. Thank you, Joan, Robin and Carlos. You know them as your Sales VPs at Headquarters in Torrance, California. But for tonight, they are the Oracle Singers. And we'd also like to thank the estate of Laura Branigan for the use of the song "Gloria." Special. Welcome back. Hope you all enjoyed your Continental breakfast. Once again, I'm James Filau. Super-psyched to be hosting the Oracle Conclave for the fourth year in a row. [ a rubbing sound effect is heard as he speaks ] And that's just -- it's kind of special to -- is that me? Oh, it's my t-shirt. My t-shirt's rubbing. My bad. [ adjusts his mike ] Let me just -- so, are we okay? Is that better? Better? All right, all right.

So, I heard that they are getting rid of interoffice e-mail here at Oracle. Yep, it seems there's a faster way of sending information. Just tell Martha Spivey. [ he looks offscreen ] What's that? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But she's gonna be okay? [ a beat ] She's not? Was anybody gonna bother to tell me? Unbelievable. [ sighs ] Unbelievable.

Okay, well, let's move on to the slide show. Now, this is fun. This is gonna be good. I can't wait to see what kind of crazy fun you guys had at Conclave 2005. [ "Eye of the Tiger" plays low in the background ] Okay, we can barely hear that. We can barely hear that. Can we get some more volume? [ volume is cranked up extra high ] Okay, now you're just being spiteful because that's way too loud, okay? Forget it. Whatever. Just roll the slide show. Roll the slide show.

[ pictures of the Ramada Inn and various Oracle employees with eyes blazened red flash on the screen ]

Wow. You guys really should have taken more pictures at some of the other events. You know, there's also a little thing called red-eye reduction button on the camera. Okay. They have that now. I'm pretty sure they do. Don't look at me like that. Well, since that slide show failed to pump anyone up, it looks like it's my job to -- get this Conclave started. Oh, that's right. You feel it? Oracle in the house. Say, "Ho-o-o."

All: Ho.

[ rap music pots up ]

James Filau: Yo, yo, yo! Oracle's a business, we like to H we like -- Good lord! Oh, Good lord! Can we kill the music? [ music continues ] Ah! The pain is making me angry! Can we just kill the music, please? Kill the music, you bastards! [ music stops ] What kind of shoddy-ass Conclave is this? Have you hayseeds ever heard of glow tape? Geez of Nazareth! I am not at all right! You know what? You know what? I'm not gonna do my signature rap. Nope. Nope. 'Cause I'm not okay, all right? I am Jimmy frickin' Filau! Okay? I opened for Hootie at the Pfizer conference! Which, by the way, was held in Hawaii. Ever heard of it? Maybe you should Google it, Oracle, okay? That's it. I'm walking. [ Rap music begins again ] No, I'm not doing my rap. Bye bye, I'm outta here. I'm outta here, no. [ trips and falls to the floor ] Who the hell's duffel bag is this?!

[ fade ]


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