Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19





04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

The Spy

Dr. Richard Laverne.....Will Ferrell
Katherine Jaqueneau.....Maya Rudolph
Contact.....Horatio Sanz

[ a woman sits at a bar, as a man wearing an eye patch steps towards her ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I join you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No. Not at all.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ sits ] Dr. Richard Laverne.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Katherine Jaqueneau. [ they shake hands ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Go right ahead.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I'm sorry?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I'm not sure I follow.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Let me rephrase the question: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Yes, I do.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That's why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. "Jag-u-ar."

Katherine Jaqueneau: I see.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I 'm also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I like how you say that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: "Jag-U-ar." Can I also tell you something else?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Certainly.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I'm also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Jaguar?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No. Luxury.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Shh. Not so loud. We're not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You already asked me that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I'm sorry. I'm tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Dr. Richard Laverne: I think it would only be fair.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you blind in one eye?

Dr. Richard Laverne: How did you know?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You're wearing an eye patch.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Right. Do you mind If I sketch you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You want to sketch me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Nothing would please me more.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Here?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No, back at my apartment.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Is it close?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Yes. It's a 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you're behind the wheel of the world's finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Sure. I'll go.

Dr. Richard Laverne: But you must make your decision quickly. We don't have much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Did you not just hear me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: What did you say?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I said I would go with you.

Dr. Richard Laverne: There's only one problem. I don't know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

Katherine Jaqueneau: That's fine.

Dr. Richard Laverne: And we will need to steal a car.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I thought you said you drove a Jaguar.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You need to stop saying it.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I'm sorry. I'm tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You're not really the voice of Jaguar, are you?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No... I'm not.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you really a spy for the Swiss government?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Quick, there's not much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Shh. I'm leaving. [ she exits ]

[ a heavyset steps forward and claims the woman's seat ]

Contact: Do you like luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ eyes the man curiously ] Fine tapestries and expensive jewels?

Contact: Yes.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ removes the documents from inside his jacket ] They told me the contact would be a woman.

Contact: [ grabs the documents ] I AM a woman.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I would like nothing more than to sketch you at my apartment.

Contact: [ turns ] I don't drive!

Dr. Richard Laverne: Neither do I.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ they hold their stares on one another for a moment, then slowly turn their heads to face the bar straight-on ]

[ fade ]


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