Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Amy Poehler
.....Tina Fey
Steven Ainsley.....Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, there was panic in the nation’s capital Wednesday when a Cessna airplane drifted into the “No-Fly Zone,” where it was intercepted by two F-16s and a Black Hawk helicopter. Man, they are really running out of ideas for “Fear Factor.”

Amy Poehler: It was announced Thursday that the Army will now allow recruits to sign up for just fifteen months of active duty. If that doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq “Super Cancun”!

The Army said Tuesday that Halliburton has been awarded 72 million dollars in performance bonuses for its work in Iraq. Halliburton responded to the news saying, “Hungry…Halliburton still hungry!

Tina Fey: A judge in Hawaii has evicted a woman who was living in a lava tube in a natural park. Man, she really does not want to marry that dude. [picture of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Applause. Tina imitates Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare]

Amy Poehler: John Bolton’s U.N. nomination hit another snag this week when it went to the Senate without a recommendation from the Foreign Relations Committee. The Committee was hesitant to support him because of allegations that Bolton has a history of abusing subordinates. Here to defend Bolton is his longtime assistant, Steven Ainsley.

[pan to Steven, who has a small bandage on his forehead; applause]

Steven Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

There have been a lot of vicious rumors swirling about John Bolton, about how John Bolton bullies subordinates, and how John Bolton screams at people. Well, I don’t know that John Bolton. [lifts his left hand, showing that it is completely bandaged as well]

Amy Poehler: What happened to your head—

Steven Ainsley: I walked into a door.

Amy Poehler: And your wrist—

Steven Ainsley: Also a door, a revolving door, so it got me twice.

Amy Poehler: OK, Steven, OK—[reaches to pat him on the shoulder, but he nervously backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: No, just caught me off guard, oh boy. My fault, my fault.

Amy Poehler: So you’ve never seen John Bolton lose his temper?

Steven Ainsley: Look, John Bolton has an incredibly stressful job, people don’t understand that. I mean, I work with him and sometimes I don’t understand it. So if somebody forgets that John likes Equal instead of Sweet’N Low, what recourse does John have but to throw hot coffee in their face?

Amy Poehler: Well, that seems really harsh—

Steven Ainsley: It’s not! I have to learn. John is- John is so incredible.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, he doesn’t sound incredible.

Steven Ainsley: Well, you don’t know him like I do! I mean, he’s a sweetheart. Here is a funny story. One time I brought him the wrong kind of mustache wax, and he kicked me down a flight of stairs. Ha ha ha!

Amy Poehler: That’s not a funny story.

Steven Ainsley: It’s funny when he tells it. Oh, I probably told it wrong. Oh, I hope I didn’t tell it wrong!

Amy Poehler: No, you know what, you- you told it fine! [reaches to pat him on the shoulder once again, but John backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: In conclusion, I would just like to say: John, if you’re watching—

Amy Poehler: You know, I don’t think he’s watching.

Steven Ainsley: Oh, he’s not? Amy, help me. Help me, Amy. I can tell you’re a good person who knows what it’s like to be around a mean, abusive bully.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean?

Tina Fey: What are you two yapping about? [cuts an apple and eats it off of a large knife]

Steven Ainsley: Nothing!

Amy Poehler: [suddenly nervous as well] Nothing.

Tina Fey: [looking offstage] Oh, wrap it up. I’m trying to watch the game over here.

[Amy and Steven lean in towards each other and whisper cries of help to each other. Eventually, Seth breaks character. Some applause]

Steven Ainsley: Well, I think I’ve made my point. The U.N. would be lucky to have John Bolton. And Amy, this is a bus ticket, and the name of a shelter in Ohio! See you there?

Amy Poehler: [taking Steven’s papers and hiding them underneath hers] OK, thank you. Steve Ainsley, everybody. [cheers and applause as Steven darts offstage]

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored by the show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

Amy Poehler: [picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones] This week, the California Raisins announced plans for a new world tour. [applause]

Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years, she’s been suffering from the obscure disease Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, though many know it by its more common name, the crazies.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto, Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto the country’s busiest highway.

Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, [singing] party on the highway!

Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beer spilled all over the road—

Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?

Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottles broken, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!

Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.

Amy Poehler: Party highway!

Tina Fey: It’s not a party!

Amy Poehler: [pauses] If you come, it’s a party!

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that I suck beer out of dirt with you. [some applause]

Despite consumers saying they want healthier options at fast food restaurants, the most popular items on the menus are the new high-calorie, high-fat items, like Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger, Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and Wendy’s Diabetes Explosion. [applause] I kinda want that. I kinda wanna eat it.

Amy Poehler: Yum!

Tina Fey: A small town in Brazil declared this past Monday Orgasm Day. [some cheering] I think, uh, that came early this year.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Did you, uh, did you celebrate Orgasm Day?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I pretended to.

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100” list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner and Lindsay Lohan, while I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and Joy Behar. [applause] Thanks.

Amy Poehler: U.S. lawmakers in Wednesday subpoenaed manufacturers of The Whizzinator to investigate the legality of the device that is a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine. Or in my case, Chardonnay.

That’s how I do it!

Tina Fey: So you suck beer out of dirt… and you drink wine out of a penis.

Amy Poehler: And I use a fake penis to drink my Chardonnay, right.

Tina Fey: Things are- things are going really well for you.

Amy Poehler: Going great! [applause]

Tina Fey: A new chili sauce called 16 Million Reserve is hitting the market this week, and it is thirty times more potent than the spiciest pepper, and eight thousand times fierier than Tabasco, though still not as spicy as Pat O’ Brien’s new I’m So F-ing Hot For You Hot Sauce. [applause; Tina impersonates Pat O’ Brien] The only hot sauce that wants to go crazy on you! Let’s get a grill and some Cokes and just go crazy! I’m gonna eat your sandwich!

Amy Poehler: Nick Nolte said that despite being invited to the White House by numerous presidents, he would not go, because he is a felon, and the President should not be with criminals. He added, “Plus, I’ve never been invited to the White House.”

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelve penguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by an infected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy arm wrestle; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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