Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan




Summary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.



Lindsay Lohan's Monologue
Summary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.


Summary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America's Next Top Model
Summary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, "Chaotic", starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.


New Park Cinema
Summary: "Star Wars" nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on "Monster-In-Law" when the tickets they'd hoped for are sold out.

TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel presents "Divertor", the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs "Speed of Sound"
First Performed: 00p.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.


The Prince Show
Summary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little Italy
Summary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.


Coldplay performs "Fix You"

The Babysitter
Summary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).


Bear City
Summary: In T. Sean Shannon's latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet Apartment
Summary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin'
Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

Summary: An advertisement for bread.

Summary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family's souls while they eat at a diner.

Summary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear City
Summary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

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