Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20





04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks.....Maya Rudolph
Janice Dickinson.....Tina Fey
Kaiceey.....Lindsay Lohan
Kahlua.....Rachel Dratch
Amber.....Amy Poehler
Nole Marin.....Horatio Sanz
Thurkiel Epps.....Finesse Mitchell
Britney Spears.....Amy Poehler
Kevin Federline.....Seth Meyers

("America's Next Top Model" opening sequence appears, reads "Who Has What It Takes to Become America's Next Top Model", bouncy music plays)

Narrator: Now we return to America's Next Top Model.

(Tyra Banks appears)

Tyra Banks: Welcome, ladies. (Overdramatically) It's time to make our final cut, determining who will become...America's...Next...Top...(Whispers)..Model. Kaiccey, Kahlua, Amber, you've worked hard and you should be VERY proud of the (Makes wild hand motions) "whoop-de-whoo" energy and the "hi-hi-hi" you're achieved. I think you know our judges. Nole Marin, top stylist, Thurkiel Epps, top movement coach, and the oldest living suprmodel, Janice Dickinson. (Janice appears, hunched over on judging table)

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) You're all trash!

Tyra Banks: How are you all feeling?

Kaiccey: (Steps forward) Um, I'm feeling really grateful...and excited. I mean, I've learned so much. I used to think I was pretty, but you guys have taught me actually, I have weird eyes and fat legs...thank you. (Steps back awkwardly)

Kahlua: I can't believe I got this far. Everyone said there'd never be a top model with a mohawk (Points to her own mohawk), and I'm gonna prove them all wrong.

Amber: These two Chewbaccas can leave right now, 'cause I know I'm gonna win. I look great, I'm mad photogenic, I got one leg...(Applause) and I just ate a whole can of sardines! So let's do this. Ooo-ooh!

Tyra Banks: Let's take a look at your pictures. Kaiceey, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows a petrified Kaiceey)

Nole Marin: That photo of you is flawless.

Thurkiel Epps: And you looked really scared, which was very hot. (Puts finger on tongue) Tss!

Kaiceey: I guess, um, you know, I'm just not very comfortable with being sexy?

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) Please, sex is a part of this business, OK, I had to sleep with Meatloaf, and that was just to get a ride here today! (Scoffs)

Tyra Banks: Kaiceey, good job. You really showed your "Hey, girl!" and your "What-what?" Kahlua, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows Kahlua pointing to and showing off her odd mohawk)

Tyra Banks: Kahlua, I feel like you're relying too much on your hair, (Points at her own odd hairdo which is basically a big red wig, while panel of judges nod) and this show is NOT called "America's Next Top Hair Model"! That's my other show, and it's on right after this. (Points down, "Coming Up Next" bar appears and says "America's Next Top Hair Model") Amber, it was very hard for us to find a good picture of you.

Amber: (Pauses) I bet it was hard.

Tyra Banks: But we did our best...

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber oddly) You're not using that right.

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: Better. (Nods in approval) Let's take a look.

(Photo appears on TV screen showing Amber in a wild position, sticking her tongue out, revealing her "lady parts", which are quickly pixilated by the editing squad)

Nole Marin: Amber, in some ways, I think you want this more than anyone.

Amber: OK, here's why I'm the bomb. I'm super-fine, I'm round-the-clock horny, I'm rocking one leg...and I got a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome...That's IBS for short, so take a walk, bitches, 'cause I can't! (Wild cheers)

Tyra Banks: A top model needs to be able to move...with ENERGY (Flails arms around), so tonight, your final challenge is a pose-off. We're gonna play some music for you to move to, and when the music stops, you pose.

Janice Dickinson: And don't screw it up! OK, modeling is not hard, NOT modeling is hard.

Tyra Banks: (Yells) Music!

(Bouncy music begins to play, Kaiceey dances very timidly and scared, Kahlua dances by basically pointing to her mohawk in different ways, and Amber does wild thrusts with her body)

Tyra Banks: And...pose.

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance and falls right on the floor, but soon jumps right back, as if she was proud of falling)

Kaiceey: I'm sorry, I'll do better.

Amber: Yeah, I fell! How you like me now? Uhh!!

Tyra Banks: (Points up) Music!

(Music continues and girls continue dancing the same way)

Tyra Banks: And pose!

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance again and falls)

Amber: (As she falls) Here we go. (Gets up) Whoo, uhh! I meant to do that! Ahh! (Throws peace signs)

Tyra Banks: Our judges....will reveal...their decision....after this.

(Commercial for "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" appears)

Britney Spears: Next week on "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic"...(Cuts to Britney looking at herself in the camera, pointing her nose to look like a pig's) Oh my god, look at my nose!

Kevin Federline: Aww, hell naw.

Britney Spears: Look at my nose! It looks so funny like that.

Kevin Federline: Hell naw.

Britney Spears: (Turns to Kevin) Will you marry me?

(Commences to a totally gross make-out, groaning loudly and licking each other's faces, but soon the commercial is over and "America's Next Top Model" returns)

Tyra Banks: Ladies, after a lot of "Wah-OK?" and (Snaps fingers with each "Mmm") "Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!", we have a decision. America's...Next....Top....Maw....del....is....

(Camera pans to each of the girls' faces, all extremely emotional, except for Amber, who throws a peace sign)

Tyra: Kaiceey.

(Kaiceey bursts into tears while Kahlua hugs her, then leaves the room, pointing at her mohawk)

Kaiceey: Oh, god. I'm so happy. I guess I'll just, I'll dro...drop out of law school. Thank you?

Amber: (Yelps in disgust) Fine! This show's stupid anyway. I'm gonna go on "Clean Sweep"....'cause my apartment's filled with trash! (Holds hands to her mouth and lets out loud yell) You all can suck it when I get a free Swiffer! (Jumps and farts) Yeah, I farted...jealous?

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber in disgust) No...I'm not.

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: How many times do I have to tell you, that's not how that works!

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: Got me again...

Amber; See you later, suckers. (Keeps on jumping and farting until she falls...again) (As she falls) Oh, here we go.

("America's Next Top Model" graphics appear)


Submitted by: Rachel Lee


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