Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

.....Amy Poehler
.....Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz.....Rachel Dratch
Danni Sanz-Cox.....Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the desk while humming the first notes of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”] This week, the London Sun and the New York Post published photos of Saddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpet does match the drapes.

Here’s the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr. has really let himself go!

Back to you, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]

Tina Fey: Donald Trump’s elected Kendra Todd as his first female “Apprentice” during Thursday night’s season finale, although some felt the “prize jobs” offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had the choice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating Trump’s Palm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super Jumbo Trumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] They’re huge… the hugest tampons in the world! They’re huge.

Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she wore Vera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]

Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalized gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sex couples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about their first year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr. Danni Sanz-Cox.

[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]

Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us “Mrs.” and “Mrs.”

Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- I’m sorry. I- I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had only seen your names… and a photograph of you.

Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.

Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, it’s been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest family and friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and they appear like two men]

Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like we’re part of society, Tina, like we’re a regular, married couple.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was saying “Dammit, Chris where’d you put the checkbook?” and Chris was, like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you look under that big-ass pile of Oprah magazines you need to keep so frickin’ badly.” And then I pretended to be asleep so we didn’t have to have sex. [they smile at each other]

Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s a real marriage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups like Focus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual community has perfected marriage.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O’ Reilly.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God had in mind.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: But we’re just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]

Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks… Did you brush your teeth after dinner?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, I’d want you to tell me!

Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and Danni Cox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]

Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New York posted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movie’s opening night. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] “Pick you up at eight, my mother will?” [frowns] That’s my Yoda impression.

Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]

Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card that users can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.

Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexico kissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they met their reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.

Tina Fey: Oscar win-- Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People who’ve seen the special said, “O-oh!”—

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!” [to the tune of Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say”]

Tina Fey: “O-oh!”

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!”

Tina Fey: “Uhh.”

Amy Poehler: “Uhh.”

Tina Fey: “Uhnn.”

Amy Poehler: “No.”

Tina Fey: “Ugh.”

Amy Poehler: “Ugh.” [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]

Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to its tickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but who’s gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the Female Orgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [picture of the book’s fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence] They’re looking for it…

A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audience that enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed video games, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land, and Super Jesuit Brothers.

Tina Fey: An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russell terrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg from becoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to save his own balls. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in, uh—[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into a Wal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren’t sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction from audience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, that was my last joke!

Tina Fey: You’ll think about that joke all summer.

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be traveling to Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Fox for saying Mexicans take jobs that “not even blacks would do.” Now, we at “Weekend Update” simply do not have the patience to wait for that meeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.

[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that black people in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and most demeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for this unequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.

President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choice of words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult to you, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard for blacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]

President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought that the difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.

President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.

Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I must say, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and a cue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the more English they pick up. [some applause]

President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and for your apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]

President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.

Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Can’t we all just get along, please?

Amy Poehler: Yeah… Oh, I got one!

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who’s driving?

Tina Fey: I don’t know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharpton shake their heads, puzzled]

Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]

Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!

President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend—[puts his hand on Rev. Sharpton’s shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who can we laugh at?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh once again]

Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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