Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 1st, 2005

Steve Carell

Kanye West

None

Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers

Adam Levine

NBC Special Report
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) relunctantly participates in a Q&A session about recent current events.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tim Russert, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Tina Fey is credited even though she's absent from the episode for maternity leave.


Steve Carell's Monologue
Summary: Following his big-screen success as "The 40-Year Old Virgin", Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others.

Bio: Steve Carell (1963-). Comedian; auditioned to join cast of SNL in 1995, beat out by Will Ferrell; married to short-term SNL cast member Nancy Walls since 1995; voiced superhero Gary in the Ambiguously Gay Duo" cartoons on short-lived "Dana Carvey Show", 1996, and SNL, 1996-2002; correspondent on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", 1999-2001; star of the American version of "The Office" since 2005; big-screen credits include "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" (2005).

Also Hosted: 07l.

Transcript


Morgan Stanley
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client's (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Transcript


Jet Blue Flight #292
Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming.

Transcript


Anderson Cooper 360
Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) reports from the floodwaters of New Orleans, as a barrage of inept celebrities build housing for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Sharon Stone, Al Pacino, Aaron Neville, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: Anderson Cooper says he's reporting from Jefferson Parish (bordered by Orleans Parish), but, given the set-up and the appearances of Ray Nagin and Aaron Neville, the sketch is more likely set in New Orleans' Ninth Ward neighborhood, where residential damages match those portrayed in the sketch.

Transcript


The Couple That Should Be Divorced
Summary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.

Note: When this sketch was performed last season, Sally and Dan's last name was "Harrison."

Transcript


Girls Gone Wild Katrina
Summary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims -- aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs!

Transcript


Backstage
Summary: Behinds the scenes at Studio 8-H, Maya Rudolph worries that her pregnancy shows, while Lorne Michaels sweats out the possibility of Kanye West causing controversy during his performance. While heading for the stage, Kanye West runs into Mike Myers, whose life hasn't been easy since they appeared together at the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon.

Transcript


Kanye West performs "Gold Digger" & Touch The Sky"
Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that "George Bush doesn't care about black people," embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time.

Also Performed: 07a.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off.

Transcript


Variety Vault
Summary: "The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour" returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In a Robert Smigel "Fun With Real Audio" cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations.

Note: TV Funhouse opens upon return from a commercial break, as it had in its early days, instead of between sketches.


Kanye West and Adam Levine perform "Heard 'Em Say"
Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5.

Cameos: 07a.


Debbie Downer
Summary: At a wedding reception, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) finds romance with like-minded Bob Bummer (Steve Carell).

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Katrina Rescue
Summary: A heroic man (Chris Parnell) goes on a rescue mission in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and thwarts looters (Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell).


Taco Town
Summary: The world's largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: This commercial parody airs on next week's live show, and repeats a few more times throughout the season.


Sonogram
Summary: When an expectant mother (Maya Rudolph) goes in for a sonogram, the baby (Rachel Dratch) on the monitor requests that the doctor (Steve Carell) take her mother off Mexican food and Norah Jones music.


Wool Sweater
Summary: Keith (Steve Carell) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch eventually airs in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.


Carol!
Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.


Hospital
Summary: While in the hospital, a man (Horatio Sanz) is treated simultaneously by an optimistic doctor (Steve Carell) and a pessimistic doctor (Chris Parnell).


Talk Radio
Summary: Talk radio hosts (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) banter about NBC's Fall line-up.



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