Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1






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05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Steve Carell's Monologue

.....Steve Carell
.....Kenan Thompson
.....Amy Poehler
.....Horatio Sanz

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen - Steve Carell.

Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of "Saturday Night Live," and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.

[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]

Steve Carell: Don't, uh.. don't be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I'm on a hit series, "The Office." A critically-acclaimed series, "The Office." And my movie, "The 40 Year-Old Virgin", just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is? That is rarified air. See, I'm in the big leagues now. I'm in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.

[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]
"I'm one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I'm not bragging, but it's not bad to brag
When you're just like Jack Black but better!"

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!

Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!

Steve Carell: I can. I'm the best!

[ continues singing ]
"Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller's a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!"

[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]

Amy Poehler: I-I-I don't think Owen Wilson is gay.

Steve Carell: We're up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio - my movie broke $100 million. Why don't you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]

Horatio Sanz: You're the best in the biz, Steve carell!

Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]
"I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I'm box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!"

[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

"I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth's perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?"

[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

"Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I'm on the top, and I can't be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I'm go-o-o-o-olllld!! Box-office gold! I'm go-o-o-o-olllld!!"

Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We'll be right back.

"I'm go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld...."


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