Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1







05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Neil.....Steve Carell
Karen.....Rachel Dratch
Sally Needler.....Amy Poehler
Dan Needler.....Seth Meyers
Waiter.....Jason Sudeikis

[open on restaurant interior, with Neil and Karen taking their seats]

Neil: I've heard some great things about this restaurant.

Karen: Hey, why are we at a table for four?

Neil: Oh, uh, yeah, honey, I didn't know how to tell you this, but Sally and Dan Needler are coming.

Karen: Ugh, Sally and Dan Needler? They're going to fight all night.

Neil: I--well, listen, Dan is my best friend from school, Karen, plus I heard they've been going to some counseling. They should be fine.

[Sally and Dan enter]

Sally: Hey, hi guys!

Dan: Hi guys!

Sally: Sorry we're late. Someone got pulled over.

Dan: And someone has a crush on a highway patrolman.

Sally: Well, at least he paid attention to me.

Dan: Well, of course he did, honey. You were smiling at him so much, he probably thought you were on crystal meth.

Sally: Wow, someone's in a mood today.

Dan: [yelling over each other] Oh, am I?

Sally: [yelling over each other] Give me a break!

[hard rock jingle plays with still photo montage]

Male Singer: [singing voice over] "Now they've been fighting since their wedding day. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] If you ask your friends, they all say. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: "The Needlers"] The Couple That Should Be Divorced" Whoo!" [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]

Voice Over: The Needlers.

[dissolve to restaurant]

Dan: So, it's been ages, Neil. What've you been up to?

[the Needlers sit at the table]

Neil: Well, this summer I refinished the basement.

Sally: Oh, a finished basement. [to Dan] So it is possible.

Dan: Make you a deal. I'll finish it as long as I can sleep in it when it's done.

Sally: Okay, deal.

[they shake hands bitterly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Dan: Deal, great.

Waiter: [arriving] Hello, everyone. Can I take your drink order?

Karen: [indicating Neil] Oh, he will have a Manhattan.

Neil: [indicating Karen] And she will have a Merlot.

Waiter: All right.

Sally: And what sort of drink do you think I would have?

Waiter: Well, you look like cosmopolitan type girl to me.

Sally: [laughing, flattered] Oh, cosmpolitan? Okay, that sounds good.

Dan: I'll let the highway patrolman down easy.

Sally: He never makes anything easy. Why should he start now?

Waiter: Ah, sir, what would you like to drink?

Dan: Can I get a scotch on the rocks?

Sally: Like our marriage.

Dan: And can I get that with a splash of water and, like, sixty sleeping pills? Thank you, that'd be great.

[waiter leaves]

Neil: So, how's the golf game, Dan?

Dan: The golf game's going pretty great. High score still wins, right? [Neil and Karen chuckle, but Sally sits stonefaced] [to Sally] How come you never laugh at anything I say?

Sally: Say something funny and I'll laugh.

Dan: Okay. How's this? Knock-knock.

Sally: Who's there?

Dan: I'm miserable every waking second!

[Sally and Dan laugh loudly and mirthlessly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: [still laughing] Hilarious!

[laughter stops]

Karen: Does everyone know what they're getting?

Dan: Yeah, I think I'm going to get this beet salad.

Sally: What?

Dan: [slowly] The beet salad.

Sally: Bee salad?

Dan: [more slowly and with extreme emphasis] Beet salad.

Sally: Well, the first two times, you said "bee salad."

Dan: Yeah, honey, I have a real craving for putting some bees in my mouth.

Neil: So, um, we have an announcement to make.

Karen: [sotto voce to Neil] Oh! I don't think this is such a good time!

Neil: [sotto voce to Karen] It's the only way I can get them to stop talking!

Sally: [brightly] Well, what is it?

Dan: Yeah.

Neil: We're getting married.

Dan: Oh, my God!

Sally: Congratuations!

Dan: That's fantastic!

Sally: Let me see the ring! [Karen reaches her hand over the table] Oh, wow, Neil really loves you! Gosh, either your ring is twice as big as mine, or I have grotesquely large hands.

Dan: [faux-sweetly] You have grotesquely large hands.

[Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: So, how did you propose?

Neil: Ah, well, I took her to the beach where we first met.

Karen: He had a boat ready and then he made dinner.

Neil: And we had it on a moonlight sail.

Karen: Yeah.

Sally: Wow, so you didn't get down on one knee in an Applebee's parking lot and say, "We might as well do this."?

Dan: And, tell me, Karen, did you wait the traditional six days before saying yes?

Karen: How's counseling going?

Dan: Really good.

Sally: Really good, actually. I'm learning that I can be a little judgemental.

Dan: And I get to pay two hundred dollars for her to figure that out.

Sally: [shouting] All right, can I talk to you privately for a second?

Dan: [shouting] Of course you can!

[they stand]

Sally: [shouting] Fine!

Dan: [shouting] I would love to talk to you privately!

[they storm into the kitchen]

Karen: Oh, my God.

Neil: Wow, this is bad.

[the sound of glasses and dishes breaking comes from the kitchen]

Karen: Promise me we'll never be like that?

Neil: I promise.

[the waiter comes out of the kitchen]

Waiter: Um, hi. Hey, we need you to do something about your friends. They're being really loud.

Karen: Oh, I'm sorry.

Neil: Are they still fighting?

Waiter: No, no, no; they're actually having sex in the kitchen.

Karen: No!

Waiter: Oh, yeah, they definitely are. I mean, the busboys are totally into it, but it's, like, a huge health code violation.

[Sally and Dan return to the dining area]

Sally: Okay, sorry about that, everybody. We will pay for dinner.

Dan: Or, more accurately, I'll pay for it, but we'll share the credit?

Sally: [yelling into his face] Son of a bitch!

Dan: [yelling into her face] Oh, what?!

[freeze frame]

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: "The Couple That Should Be Divorced"]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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