Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

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05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Amy Poehler
.....Horatio Sanz
.....Finesse Mitchell
.....Bill Hader
.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler Good evening, I’m Amy Poehler.

Horatio Sanz: And I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler Tina’s on assignment; she and her husband, Jeff, had a baby girl! [more cheers and applause] That’s right. Alice Zenobia Richmond was born three weeks ago today, and they’re all doing great, and we send them all of our love. And I think we have a picture.

[a very sloppy drawing of a baby wearing a diaper and glasses is shown, labeled “Artist’s Rendering”]

Aww! That’s nice, she has Tina’s eyes. Beautiful.

Here are tonight’s top stories: In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation’s image. Also hurting the nation’s image: letting people drown when it rains. [picture of a flooded New Orleans]

Horatio Sanz: While appearing before a Senate committee investigating the Katrina disaster, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco said, “We are looking forward, not backward,” at which point she was hit from behind by a hurricane. [applause]

Citing rising fuel costs and other expenses, Amtrak announced Tuesday that ticket prices nationwide would increase an average of three to four dollars, starting next Tuesday. While Greyhound can no longer promise their passengers that their rides won’t be Flintstone-style.

Amy Poehler: Christian conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary “March of the Penguins” supports the theory of intelligent design. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent design is refuted in the documentary “March of the Bonaduces.” [applause]

And now with an editorial is our own Horatio Sanz. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: President Bush is a genius! The end.

[awkward pause]

Amy Poehler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s it? You know, you have to kind of explain yourself a little bit.

Horatio Sanz: Fine, I’ll explicate.

Every time Bush screws up, he gets people off his back by doing something even more screwed up. The War in Iraq gets knocked off the front page by the Karl Rove leak, which gets forgotten because of Cindy Sheehan, then Hurricane Katrina comes along.

Amy Poehler: Oh. OK, and that makes him a genius, how?

Horatio Sanz: Well yes, Amy. I mean, I tried this Bush technique this past week, and it was very useful. On Wednesday I showed up two hours late for rehearsal, so to distract people from that, I was also drunk. [some applause] Then when somebody asked me if I was drunk, I punched Rachel Dratch in the neck. When they were putting her in the ambulance, I said, “Hey everybody, I’m gonna buy lunch!” Then I ordered fifty pizzas and left without paying!

Amy Poehler: You’re right, Horatio, President Bush is a genius. And so are you.

It was announced today that Paris Hilton broke off her engagement to Paris Latsis. Insiders say she may be involved with a record producer. You can trust these insiders, because they have literally been inside her. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Now with a report on New York’s thriving club scene is our nightlife correspondent, Finesse Mitchell.

[pan to Finesse; applause]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, thank you. Hey! Now, the New York clubs are the place to be, and be seen. And I, for one, like to go with Kenan, because Kenan is really famous. I mean, I’m just snap famous. People see Kenan, they go crazy, “Kenan!!” They see me and they go, “Oh—uh…” [snapping his fingers in thought] “What’s your name, again?” So it helps to go with Kenan, you know.

But I still do alright once I get in the club. Like, uh, one time—I don’t wanna brag, but this girl came up to me, and she was buyin’ me drinks all night. But you know how sometimes in-the-club, in-the-dark pretty is different from outside, outside-the-club, in-the-light pretty? Well, you know, to make a long story short, we decided to go home together, and on the way home I could see a little bit better now, because she was sittin’ on the passenger’s side, and every five seconds the street lights would shine in and hit her in the face. And every time the light hit her, I could see her better, so I was like, ooh! Oh! Oh my God! [pretending to hold onto a steering wheel while repeatedly ducking down in disgust] I think this is a man! Oh my God!

But, see, I wasn’t sure, because you know, she had nice breasts, but she had real big hands, so you know, I got a little nervous, so you know, I started to check her neck for the Adam’s apple, ‘cause that’s what my granddaddy taught me in fifth grade, “If you not sure, you better check their neck!” So I’m tryin’ to drive, and look all up under her neck, and see her neck, but I couldn’t tell, you know. And so then I turned the radio down so I could hear a little bit better, you know, ‘cause it was so loud in the club. And I turned the radio down and I said, “Brenda, are you alright?” And she was like, [in a fake high-pitched voice] “Yes, I’m fine!” I was like, oh, that don’t sound right at all!

So my Spidey-sense is tinglin’ and everything, and—but I don’t panic! I don’t panic, I just outsmart her. I start winkin’ at her, I start blowin’ kisses at her, and I just purposely took my eyes off the road and I just kept lookin’ at her. And that’s when I let the car drift onto oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. And then that’s when she said, “Hey, hey, hey—” [his voice very masculine all of a sudden] “Watch the road, man, you about to kill us!” [applause] And I was like, “OH! You’re a dude! You’re a man! Get outta my car, you old… pretty man.” I didn’t know what to say to her—him—shim, I didn’t know what to say to him.

But I’ve been hiding out in my office ever since, and that’s pretty much the club report. Yeah.

Horatio Sanz: Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell, everybody! [cheers and applause; Horatio pats Finesse on the back as Finesse winks at the audience]

Amy Poehler: It was reported that Michael Jackson is trying to put his child molestation trial behind him, by reinventing himself as a womanizing hip-hop artist. He’ll go by the name “The Notorious C.H.I.L.D. M.O.L.E.S.T.E.R.” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: A defense attorney in Pennsylvania has asked a judge to bar any reference to his client’s nickname in an upcoming murder trial, saying that jurors might prejudge someone called “Scuz.” Unfortunately, the man’s real name is Stabby von Killerson.

Amy Poehler: The maker of Kids Beer, a Japanese soft drink that looks like beer and tastes like Coke, plans to market the beverage in Europe and the United States. You know, it has a catchy jingle, but it does give a little bit of a mixed message. It’s like, “Kids Beer is good—it’s not beer—but it’s good beer, beer is good—not for kids—cool kids drink beer—Kids Beer—it looks like beer—don’t drink it—It’s delicious!” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: That’s a catchy jingle.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, it is!

Horatio Sanz: In an interview, hip-hop mogul Suge Knight said he is considering quitting rap in a few years, and becoming a college football coach. And to show he’s serious, he’s already shot Joe Paterno. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married Saturday in a super-secret, Kabbalah-style wedding in California. At the reception, Bruce Willis gave a heartfelt, 35-minute smirk.

Horatio Sanz: Chinese scientists will use GPS technology to observe the sexual practices of giant pandas… I don’t have a joke, I just think that’s cool… I wanna keep my eye on that… I like to watch… I like to watch bears screw… [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: He does. He sure does.

Now I would, uh, like to take a moment to introduce our two new featured players, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.

[Pan to Bill and Andy. Applause. They both wave to the camera]

Bill Hader: Hello! Hi everybody.

Andy Samberg: Hi!

Bill Hader: Hi, uh, I’m Bill Hader.

Andy Samberg: And I’m Andy Samberg, and it is good to be here!

Amy Poehler: Now I- now I know Bill here is an impressionist, but I understand Andy also does some great impressions.

Andy Samberg: Uh, thank you Amy. I do, and in fact, we thought it’d be fun to have a friendly new-guy impression-off. Um, so, actually Amy, if you’d be so kind as to judge?

Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely, why not? Uh, time for a “Weekend Update” Impression-Off. Let’s do it!

[title card is shown, with trumpet fanfare; applause]

OK, alright. Alright, Bill, you go first.

Bill Hader: OK, uh, Peter Falk. [hunches over and crosses his eyes] “Lessee, jeez, this guy, this guy’s WACKO, I tell ya, he’s really WACKO!” Thank you. [applause]

Amy Poehler: That was really good.

Bill Hader: Thank you.

Andy Samberg: Alright, alright. Pretty good, but, uh, how about a little Jack Nicholson? [clears his throat] Alright, here we go. [without changing his voice at all] “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Jack Nicholson. Wazzup!!

[Amy and Horatio burst out laughing. Applause. Bill is clearly unimpressed]

Bill Hader: OK, uh, my next impression is acclaimed English actor James Mason… “I have told you before, Lolita, no boys!” Thank you. [applause]

Andy Samberg: That was- that was good, but uh, how about a little dash of Julia Roberts? [clears his throat] “Hey, how’s it going? I’m Julia Roberts, the Pretty Woman. Wazzup!!

Amy Poehler: Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!

Horatio Sanz: Wazzup!!

Amy Poehler: Wazzup!! I love that!

Bill Hader: [clearly confused] OK, uh, for my final impression, Mr. Christopher Walken.

Amy Poehler: Wait! No! No, Bill, Andy should do Christopher Walken!

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, let Andy do it!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Andy Samberg: Uh, OK, here’s Christopher Walken!

“Hey, I’m Christopher Walken. You know, I’m in lots of movies and junk, Wazzuuuuuppp!! [his tongue hanging out; applause]

Bill Hader: OK…

Amy Poehler: Ha ha! He sounded just like him! Wazzup!! Wazzup!!

Bill Hader: OK, you guys, that sounds nothing like Christopher Walken. And “wazzup,” that’s like a beer commercial from, like, seven years ago!

Amy Poehler: Wow, looks like we got a little new guy rivalry.

Andy Samberg: Yeah, maybe your last name suits you, hater!

Bill Hader: [annoyed] It’s Hader with a “d.”

Andy Samberg: [as Bill] “It’s Hader with a ‘d,’ Wazzup!!” [applause]

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! He sounded just like you! He nailed you!... [calms down] And the winner is Bill Hader.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah.

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Bill Hader and Andy Samberg, everyone!

Andy Samberg: New guys! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: A team of climate experts reported Wednesday that the floating cap of ice at the North Pole shrank this summer to its smallest size in at least a century. Then again, what wouldn’t shrink in water that cold? Ha ha, you know what I’m sayin’?

Amy Poehler: You know, uh, when I saw it, you were in a sauna, so—

Horatio Sanz: Well, you know, uh, that’s what they say. Either really hot or really cold… heh heh.

Amy Poehler: Is that what they say? [Horatio looks down, embarrassed]

A man returned to his exclusive Hamptons beachfront house after the summer to find a Bohemian couple having sex in his garden and living in his home for free. At which point, me and my old man hightailed it outta there! [some applause]

Rosie O’Donnell has joined Harvey Fierstein in the Broadway revival of the musical “Fiddler on the Roof.” Consequently, the roof is now sagging.

For “Weekend Update”—

Horatio Sanz: I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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