Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2





05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Operator Date

Gary.....Jon Heder
Julie.....Rachel Dratch
Waiter.....Bill Hader

[ open on interior, coffee shop. Julie sits alone at table as Gary approaches. ]

Gary: Hi, I'm Gary. You must be Julie.

Julie: [ in a monotone voice ] Hi, I'm Julie.

Gary: [ sits ] Nice to finally meet you. I haven't been on a blind date in a while. So, Doug told me you work in Customer Service?

Julie: That's right. I do the voice recordings for companies such as United Airlines, Blue Cross and Amtrak.

Gary: Wow, Amtrak. Well, then I guess I have talked to you before.

Julie: I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

Gary: Oh. [ awkward beat ] Nothing. Stupid joke.

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Hi. Can I get you something to drink?

Gary: Um.. what do you think, Julie? A latte or a cappuccino, or something?

Julie: Did you say latte or cappuccino?

Gary: Uh.. well, I said both. Do you want a latte or cappuccino?

Julie: My mistake. Cappuccino would be great.

Gary: Two, please.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Julie: Gary, before we go any further, let me get some information.

Gary: Sure.

Julie: Please say your age.

Gary: Oh, yeah! I get that a lot. I know I look young, but I'm actually 29.

Julie: I think you said 19. Did I get that right?

Gary: No, 29.

Julie: I think you said 9. Did I get that right?

Gary: No. Wow. 29.

Julie: Okay. Got it. Sorry. It's pretty loud in here.

[ Waiter returns with the cappuccinos ]

Waiter: Here you guys go.

Julie: Mmm. Yum.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Gary: You know, um.. Doug didn't tell me you were so cute.

Julie: You're not so bad yourself, Gary.

Gary: Would you, uh, like to, maybe want to go see a movie tonight?

Julie: I'd like that. Let me check the movie listings. What movie would you like to see?

Gary: Have you seen "Flight Plan?"

Julie: Let me look that up for you. One second, please. [ holds up a newspaper ] Here it is: "Flight Plan" is playing at 7:15.. 8:45.. 10:00.. and 11:15.

Gary: Uh.. let's do 7:15.

Julie: Okay. This is a great date.

Gary: It really is. Julie, you know, I'm kind of shy --

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Uh.. since my last relationship --

Julie: Got it.

Gary: -- I haven't been able to ask anyone out --

Julie: Got it.

Gary: That's why Doug --

Julie: Got it.

Gary: -- had to do it for me.

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Anyway, I just feel really lucky to have met you.

Julie: That's so sweet. Please say that again.

Gary: I feel real lucky to have met you.

Julie: Thank you.

Gary: So, should we go to the movie?

Julie: Let me see If I have this correct: I think you said you wanted to go.. back to my place. Did I get that right?

Gary: Yes, you sure did.

Julie: Okay. Got it.

[ they exit the coffee shop ]

[ fade ]


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