Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2












05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder's Monologue

.....Jon Heder
Audience Member.....Liz Cackowski
Leopold Samsonite.....Jason Sudeikis
Jose.....Fred Armisen
Kip.....Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen - Jon Heder!

[ the audience cheers and screams enthusiastically ]

Jon Heder: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience continues to cheer; Jon checks his watch ] Come on! Alright, uh.. now, most of you probably know me from a movie called "Napoleon Dynamite." [ the audience cheers their recognition ] Yeah, it's a movie that a bunch of college friends and me made, for very little money, and, uh.. went on to Sundance and took off, and now I'm here hosting "Saturday Night Live."

[ audience cheers and screams; one joker yells: "Vote For Pedro!" ]

Jon Heder: [ looks into the audience ] Uh.. yes? you have a question?

Audience Member: Um.. was the character Napoleon Dynamite based on a real person?

Jon Heder: Uh, no. He was not. He was based on a number of people I knew in college, and some family members of mine.

Voice: Jon?

Jon Heder: Yes. You.

[ a man dressed similar to Napoleon Dynamite stands up in the audience ]

Leopold Samsonite: Are you sure that the character Napoleon Dynamite wasn't based on anybody?

Jon Heder: Hey! Hey, it's my old college buddy, Leopold Samsonite. What are you doing here?

Leopold Samsonite: That's a stupid question. I'm watching the show. Gosh!

Jon Heder: I haven't seen you in a couple of years.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, since college. Hey, Jon, I finally saw that movie you were in.

Jon Heder: You mean, "Just Like Heaven", with Reese witherspoon.

Jon Heder: No! No one saw that. Idiot! Back to my question: Was that movie "Napoleon Dynamite" about me?

Jon Heder: No, of course not.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn't think so, but a lot of people think it is.

Jon Heder: Like who?

Leopold Samsonite: Like Jose. Tell him yourself, Jose.

[ Jose, who bears a striking resemblance to Pedro, stands to Leopold's left. He wears a shirt that reads "Vote For Jose." ]

Jon Heder: Oh, hey, Jose! How have you been?

Jose: I'm okay. I like your bangs.

Jon Heder: Thanks. Uh, Jose, just so you know, all the characters in "Napoleon Dynamite" are fictional.

Leopold Samsonite: See, Jose? I told you that flippin' character wasn't based on me!

[ suddenly, a Kip lookalike stands to Leopold's right ]

Kip: I don't know. It really seems like it.

Leopold Samsonite: Shut up, idiot! Why are you even here?

Kip: Because Jose is right. Just leave me alone, I'm texting a girl. [ averts his attention to a handheld electronic device ]

Jon Heder: Hey, Leopold, honest. The character Napoleon isn't based on you in any way.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn't think so. Because you don't have these sweet moves.

[ Leopold makes his way next to Jon at Home Base, and, with hands in pockets, shows off his dance skills, including wild, flurried disco moves. Accepting the challenge, Jon shows off a few sweet moves of his own, until, finally, they dance in tandem. ]

Jon Heder: [ as Jose and Kip join them on stage ] Alright, we've got a great show tonight! Ashlee Simpson is here. so stick around, we'll be right back.


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