Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

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05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Horatio Sanz
.....Amy Poehler
Tim Calhoun.....Will Forte
.....Lorne Michaels

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Filling in for Tina Fey, I’m Horacio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

[ picture of Harriet Miers ] On Monday, President Bush nominated your mom to the Supreme Court.

While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted Tuesday he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, “Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.” [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: Many people are upset with President Bush for nominating current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, particularly her law partner, Jacoby.

Amy Poehler: [picture of President Bush giving a televised speech] This week, nearly twelve million Americans tuned in to a new episode of “Lost.”

Horatio Sanz: The U.S. Treasury is featuring a new nickel that has Thomas Jefferson facing forward, with a hint of a smile. A smile that says, “You see that slave over there? Yeah, I tapped that ass.” [applause]

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nominee, Harriet Miers, has come under fire from both the left and the right, because of her lack of experience. Many are suggesting she withdraw her nomination. Here to comment is perennial candidate Tim Calhoun.

[Pan to Tim, who holds a stack of note cards. Applause. Tim nervously speaks through a tabletop microphone, in a very soft voice]

Tim Calhoun: Hi, I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for Supreme Court, of America. I think I would make a much better candidate for Supreme Court than that girl. Here’s why...

[pauses to change cards]

I do not have any Supreme Court experience, but I have served as a lawyer for myself, on many occasions... all of which turned out real bad. Here’s a list of my convictions. One pot cocaine brownie...and thirty more cocaine brownies. I’m real sorry, but I have a sweet tooth.

[pauses to change cards]

I think burning the flag is wrong. But undercooking the flag is even worse.

[pauses to change cards]

As I mentioned before, I have no judge experience. But I have worked at a court for a long time. It was a food court... I served food, at a food court.

[pauses to change cards]

Note from self… don’t mention food court. [Tim stares into the camera in horror. He speaks under his breath] Oh no... I already mentioned food court... what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do...

[pauses to change cards]

Have I mentioned that I worked at a food court? [gasps] How did that get in there?

[pauses to change cards]

Food court...[changes cards again] food court... food court... food court... [stops at the next card, and looks into the camera] Food court... [changes cards] food court.

[pauses to change cards]

I think gavels should be called law hammers.

[changes cards one final time]

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for Supreme Court of America... and I will get right to work erasing my permanent record.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Fearing a religious backlash because of the title, Sony decided to not release the new Albert Brooks film “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.” For similar reasons, Sony has also decided not to release the film “Deuce Bigalow: Osama Bin Gigolo.”

Once a week, recovering illusionist Roy Horn reportedly visits Montecore, the tiger that mauled him. Though disturbingly, they’re conjugal visits! [some applause; Horatio laughs] You know what that means, right Amy? He gets busy with that tiger! [Amy shakes her head in disbelief]

Amy Poehler: Security in the New York City subway system was raised on Thursday after reports of specific threats involving bomb-laden baby carriages and briefcases. The extra security has made commuting especially difficult for business babies. [Picture of a baby standing on a subway platform, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Some applause. Amy is clearly amused by the picture]

A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after sixteen years, with the help of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepers stopped buying her cigarettes! [applause; Amy looks off camera for a moment]

There is a growing concern in the Everglades over the rise of non-native snakes, abandoned by pet owners in the swamp. That’s—now Horatio, you actually abandoned a snake in the Everglades, didn’t you?

Horatio Sanz: Yes Amy, my anaconda.

Amy Poehler: Wow, your anaconda! Is it dangerous?

Horatio Sanz: Well, if memory serves…
"My anaconda don’t want none
Unless it’s got buns, hon!"

Amy Poehler: I can do side bends or situps!

Horatio Sanz: But please don’t lose that butt!

Amy Poehler: They toss it, and they leave it,
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!

Horatio Sanz: So ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Pull up in my Mercedes?

Amy Poehler: Hell yeah!
Shake it, then shake it!
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got—[Amy stands and dances next to Horatio, grinding her butt against him. Horatio starts laughing. Cheers and applause]
Little in the middle but you got much back!

Keep your snakes out of the Everglades, everybody! [sitting down]

Horatio Sanz: Holy mole! [Amy stands up and grinds again; more applause]

Amy Poehler: Kate Moss, who has already lost several endorsement contracts with Chanel, H & M, and Burberry in the wake of her cocaine-snorting scandal, received an even more embarrassing setback this week, when she was dropped as a spokesperson for the cocaine industry. [hangs her head in shame]

The nation’s energy chief says it will take six months for U.S. Energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old “Save Gas, Fart in a Jar” t-shirt. [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirely of ice, and will be kept at -22 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. The opening night party was marred, however, when four people died of hypothermia in the wet t-shirt contest.

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring a collection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as I like to call it, “The View”! [applause]

Amy Poehler: Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABC about what her life might have been like had she not become a musician, but been gay, stayed in Kansas, and taught at a high school. It’s called, “The Gym Teacher.”

A former nursing home worker in New York State has filled a nine-million-dollar federal lawsuit, claiming she suffered mental anguish and needs anti-anxiety medication, after being forced to prove she was wearing a bra at work. You know, something very similar happened to me, let’s take a look:

[Dissolve to tape featuring Amy and Horatio on the “Weekend Update” set, presumably going over their script. Lorne Michaels approaches Amy]

Lorne Michaels: Hey Amy, you wearing a bra?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, Lorne, I am.

Lorne Michaels: What the hell for? [Walks off, giggling. Dissolve back to the live set]

Amy Poehler: Thanks a lot, Horatio.

Horatio Sanz: That was, that was not cool there.

Amy Poehler: No, thanks for sticking up for me, too. I appreciate that.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, no problem.

A study has shown that bringing a clown into the operating room may relax children who are about to undergo surgery, which proves that laughter really is the best medicine... unless you have cancer. Then you should get chemo. [prolonged laughter]

Amy Poehler: A Russian Soyuz spacecraft docked at the International Space Station Monday. The spacecraft then turned around, and was promptly rear-ended by Lindsay Lohan.

Horatio Sanz: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Horatio appears to bless the audience, then shares a hug with Amy. Fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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