Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2




























05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Wilson Bros. Funeral Home

Four Eyes.....Jon Heder
Funeral Director.....Fred Armisen
Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Heath.....Will Forte
Debbie.....Amy Poehler
Bobby.....Kenan Thompson
Judy.....Rachel Dratch
Lou.....Andy Samberg
Paul.....Finesse Mitchell
Announcer.....Darrell Hammond
Cop.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Matthew Rogers" ]

Four Eyes: I'm here for Matthew Rogers.

Funeral Director: He's right in there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as a group of friends stand around an open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. Poor Matthew. What happened?

Jason: Well he was a Counselor at a Summer camp, and while he was teaching the kids about eating right, he was dressed up like a giant sandwich and, well.. a bear came outof the woods and ate him.

Heath: He always loved wearing that sandwich costume.

Debbie: I'm glad you could make it, Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah. You know, I don't mind driving the 500 miles for Matthew.

Lou: Matthew would be glad that we all got back together.

All: Yeah.

Bobby: Wow. This is so strange. This is only, like, the second funeral I've been to in my whole life. I mean, one time, when I was little, this kid died in my neighborhood and they buried him in his little league uniform.

Debbie: I hate funerals. Oh, Heath. [ latches onto Heath for a hug ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of deviled eggs ] Oh, um, I brought deviled eggs if anyone wants one.

Jason: I'm good.

Lou: Me, too.

Paul: [ happily ] Don't mind If I do.

Bobby: Well, I got to get going. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Four Eyes: I hate that it's under these circumstances but, it's great to see all you guys.

Jason: Yeah. Good to see you again, four eyes.

Debbie: What happened to your glasses, four eyes?

Four Eyes: I got Lasik surgery. Don't need glasses anymore.

Jason: All right, good for you. Hey, let's promise each other we'll all see one another before the next funeral, huh?

All: Absolutely. Great to see you guys.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] Two days later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Heath Bronson" ]

Four Eyes: I'm here for Heath Bronson.

Funeral Director: He's right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. What happened?

Jason: Well, Debbie, you want to take this one?

Debbie: Well, um.. after Matthew's funeral, Heath came over to my house, and while we were making love, he had a stroke.

Jason: Well, that explains the look on his face.

[ close-up of the grin on Heath's face ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of stuffed mushrooms ] I, uh.. I baked stuffed mushrooms, if anyone wants one.

Jason: No thanks.

Lou: Me, either.

Paul: [ happily ] Don't mind If I do!

Bobby: Two funerals in one week. Wow, man, this is tough.

Lou: Oh, yeah, speaking of which, uh.. you guys remember that bear that killed Matthew? Well, I tracked him down and shot him.

Four Eyes: Good job, Lou.

Lou: Thanks, four eyes.

Bobby: Well, I better hit it. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Yeah, good seeing you guys.

Debbie: You, too. It was great seeing you. Let's get together, you know --

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Paul Norvaks, Judy Putty" ]

[ the offstage sound of the shuffling of two caskets this time can be audibly heard during the set-up scene ] Four Eyes: I'm here for Paul Norvaks and Judy Putty.

Funeral Director: They're through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket. Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed falling into the casket and laughing as the scene begins. ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. Poor Paul and Judy.

Lou: They were so young.

Jason: Yeah.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, you know those mushrooms Judy brought yesterday? They turned out to be poisonous. Paul ate one.

Four Eyes: Did Judy eat the mushrooms, too?

Jason: No, no. Paul realized he'd been poisoned, and with his last ounce of strength.. he strangled Judy.

[ close-up of Paul's hands in a strangling position ]

Debbie: I'm so sad. Oh, Bobby, hold me.

Bobby: Whoa, easy, Debbie, don't bring that death box around me! I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys.

All: You, too. Yeah, good seeing you again!

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Bobby Windetta" ]

Four Eyes: I'm here for Bobby Windetta.

Funeral Director: He's right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. Poor Bobby.

Jason: Yeah, he was so young.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, it seems Bobby was tired from all that driving he'd been doing. So he pulled over on the side of the road to sleep, and he was attacked by a pack of hobos.

Four Eyes: I see he was buried in his little league uniform.

Jason: Mmm hmm.

Lou: Yeah, it was his last request.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys again.

All: It was. Good seeing you. Yeah, it was great to see you, no matter what.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Lou Wagner" ]

Four Eyes: I'm here for Sweet Lou Wagner.

Funeral Director: He's right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. Poor Lou. What happened? Ah yeah, you remember that bear he killed? Well, that bear's brother wanted revenge, so he tracked Lou down and killed him.

Debbie: I heard that Lou got shot.

Jason: Yeah, he did. The bear shot him.

Debbie: Oh. We should kill that bear.

Jason: Well, it's too late. After the bear shot Lou, he turned the gun on himself.

Four Eyes: That's horrible.

Jason: Hey, it's great seeing you guys.

Debbie: It's great seeing you always. It's always great to see you guys, really!

Jason: It is. It is.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] You're not going to believe this but.. the very next day..

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading "In Memorium: Debbie Lassen" ]

Four Eyes: I'm here for Debbie Lassen.

Funeral Director: She's right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I'm late. Poor Debbie. What happened.

Jason: Well, her boss got all pissed because she'd been taking so many sick days to go to funerals. So he fired her. She was so disappointed that she jumped in front of a bus.

Four Eyes: Oh, this has been a rough week.

Jason: Yeah. Hey, it's good seeing you, though.

Four Eyes: Yeah, you know it, friend.

Jason: Take care, alright.

Four Eyes: Yeah.

[ Four Eyes exits ]

Jason: [ thinking out loud ] You know what? This is all too much of a coincidence. Who's behind this? [ thinking ] Follow the money. Who is making a profit from this? [ Funeral Director enters suddenly, pointing a gun ] Oh, my God.

Funeral Director: So I see you figured out the plan. Too bad you won't be alive to tell anybody about it. [ shoots and kills Jason ]

Four Eyes: [ re-enters ] Oh, my gosh, what have you done?

Funeral Director: This brainiac figured out our plan.

Four Eyes: Good job! He was the last one, and now none of them will call me four eyes again. I can finally put my glasses back on. [ puts on a pair of glasses ] Ahhh, that's better. Ao, how much money did we make from all these funerals?

Funeral Director: $300 a funeral.

Four Eyes: We got away with it! Now I have enough money for Lasik surgery! Now who's laughing? [ a knock at the door ] who is it?

[ two cops enter ]

Cop: It's the police. We heard gunshots.

Four Eyes: Oh, crap!

Funeral Director: [ points at Four Eyes ] He did it. I just work here.

Cop: You're coming with me, four eyes. Let's go! [ grabs Four Eyes and drags him away ]

Four Eyes: No, don't call me that!

[ Funeral Director steps forward ]

Funeral Director: What you've just witnessed is a re-enactment, showing what some unscrupulous funeral directors would do to make a profit. But at the Wilson Bros. Funeral Home, we don't do that. So come on down. If you say tell us you saw this commercial, we'll give you 10% off. That's a Wilson Bros. guarantee.

[ dissolve to exterior ]

[ fade ]


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