Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 22nd, 2005

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Franz Ferdinand



Special Report
Summary: President George W. Bush holds an obviously scripted Q&A sessions with American soldiers stationed in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.


Note: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she's absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Catherine Zeta-Jones' Monologue
Summary: Though initially nervous about hosting, Catherine Zeta-Jones is ready to make herself look foolish on live television -- after all, as she sings, "They Can't Take My Oscar Away."

Bio: Catherine Zeta-Jones (1969-). Actress; married to actor Michael Douglas since 2000; reprises her role as the wife of Zorro in "The Legend of Zorro" (2005).

Butt Cancer Treatment Center
Summary: Butt cancer survivor (Jason Sudeikis) uses gross euphemisms to describe his recent treatment.


Newsnight with Aaron Brown
Summary: Stationed in the ruins of Pashwan, reporter Suzanne Carbonal's (Catherine Zeta-Jones) personal hygeine begins to take its toll.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Brown.


Dancer Party
Summary: Sophie's (Catherine Zeta-Jones) boyfriend, John (Seth Meyers), is uncomfortable being the only straight-laced attendee of a party inhabited by Bob Fosse-like dancers.

Franz Ferdinand performs "Do You Want To"
Bio: Scottish rock quartet named after the Austro-Hungarian Archduke whose murder sparked World War I; members: bassist Bob Hardy, guitarist Nick McCarthy, drummer Paul Thomson, and singer/guitarist Alex Kapranos.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Doral High School football coach Donnie Freeman (Jason Sudekis) is oblivious to his lacking coaching schools. The voice of Don Pardo hits on Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Blind prop comic Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) stumbles through one of his jokes. A lone screen capture at the end of the broadcast pays tribute to the recent death of former cast member Charles Rocket.


Italian Hotel
Summary: Italian hotel owner Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) and his employees (Fred Armisen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Horatio Sanz) make stereotypical pop culture references to a group of American tourists (Amy Poehler, Jason Sudekis, Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Access Hollywood
Summary: Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) writes the song "Feed the Wet Ones" to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Stone, Aretha Franklin, Nick Carter.

Creighton Boys School
Summary: Fellow language teachers (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) are jealous of the popularity of the hot new French teacher (Catherine Zeta-Jones).


Franz Ferdinand performs "Take Me Out"

Musical Vows
Summary: A bride (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and groom (Will Forte) sing a bawdy tune about their courtship, then proceed to spank one another in front of distraught family members.


Morgan Stanley
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client's (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Schatzki's Deli
Summary: Brad Scheinwald's (Seth Meyers) secret meeting with an actress (Amy Poehler) to play the lead in an Emily Dickinson biopic goes awry when Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) shows up with a Spanish TV actress (Catherine Zeta-Jones) he feels would be better suited to star in the role.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

J.J. Casuals
Summary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This commerical parody later appears in the episode hosted by Jason Lee.

Summary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.

Secret Democrat Meeting
Summary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), John Edwards (Will Forte), Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond), and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) convene in secret to discuss the 2008 nomination.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry.

Sexy Dentist
Summary: A seductive dentist (Catherine Zeta Jones) sexually harrasses her patient (Horatio Sanz).

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