Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

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05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
Donnie Freeman.....Jason Sudeikis
Pep Walters.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, here are tonight’s top stories:

[Tom DeLay grinning in his mugshot] Tom DeLay’s mugshot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens.

DeLay looks confident in his mugshot, but let’s widen out. [new photo shows DeLay’s pants are stained] Yep, I thought so. He soiled himself, that’s what I thought.

Over to you, Tina.

Tina Fey: Thank you, thank you.

Amy Poehler: I just want to say it’s great to have Tina back, everybody.

Tina Fey: Aww, thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m happy to be here, and, uh, we also want to offer congratulations to Maya Rudolph, who had her baby last week! [more applause]

Amy Poehler: That’s right.

Tina Fey: Yes, a sweet little peanut named Pearl. And this puts us, uh, one step closer to an all-baby cast.

[cast photo is shown; only a few adults are remaining, surrounded by infants]

Amy Poehler: Oh, that looks good.

Tina Fey: Yes! All babies... and Finesse. It’s gonna be a good show…[Amy is laughing] He’s in the picture!

Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the most intense Atlantic storm ever recorded, a Category 5, with 175 mile per hour winds. Or what’s known around FEMA as “Casual Friday.”

Amy Poehler: Sources said Monday that a special prosecutor’s intensifying focus into who outed a CIA operative has raised questions whether Vice President Dick Cheney himself was involved. Confronted on the issue, Cheney turned into a hundred bats, and then flew away!

Tina Fey: Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powell’s former Chief of Staff, said this week that foreign policy in the Bush administration has been usurped by a “Cheney-Rumsfeld Cabal.” President Bush fired back, saying, “How dare you notice that!”

U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush in the White House on Wednesday and urged the President to help the world’s poor, while the President urged Bono to get back with Cher. [applause]

Amy Poehler: I’d like to see that.

Tina Fey: I hope they do!

Amy Poehler: This week in Florida, the Doral High School football team cancelled the remainder of its season, after losing its first six games by a combined score of 299-0. Here to comment is the head coach of that team, Donnie Freeman.

[pan to Donnie; applause]

Donnie Freeman: Thank you Amy, thank you. Ah, hey, what can I say, tough season, you know? We lost all our games, and we didn’t score a point. What can I say, I love my trick plays! [laughs] I love my Flea Flicker, you know, your Statue of Liberty, Bloomin’ Onion, the Dutch Brownie. And for the record, you know, I- I now know that the Bloomin’ Onion is illegal, all right? Because I now know that only one football is allowed on the field at any given time. I know that, I know that now.

See, I learn stuff from these kids as well, you know? ‘Cause that’s what you’re gonna get when you play for ol’ Donnie Freeman, all right? One, you’re gonna learn. Two, you gotta be clean-shaven. No exceptions, all right? And three, no punting. Ever. We never punt the football. Punting is for quitters. Vince Lombardi said that. Actually, it might’ve been my dad. Doesn’t matter.

Hey, now a lot of people say my style’s a little unorthodox, all right? And I’m like, you know, what does that word even mean? [laughs some more]

Amy Poehler: Oh, it means you’re style of play is unusual.

Donnie Freeman: Oh! Alright, then I guess they’re right, then. OK, yeah, no I didn’t- I didn’t know that.

Amy Poehler: Well, what did you think it meant?

Donnie Freeman: Ah, you know, I didn’t really know, it’s just—eych. Just sounded mean, you know?

Amy Poehler: Wow.

Donnie Freeman: Alright, but you wanna know what really stinks? Wanna know what really stinks? You’re gonna love this, you two. I- I don’t even know if I’m gonna be back next year! I don’t know if I’m gonna get to come back. How do you like that for gratitude? You know what, if you guys keep giving me the runaround down there at Doral, I’m not even gonna want to come back, alright? ‘Cause this little birdie will fly away! Oh believe me, I’ve got options, believe that. I’ve always wanted to coach in the pros, for instance. You know, more of my style, anyhoo. Uh, plus, on a good note, I just found out on Thursday that I have a three-year-old son, his name’s Orlando.

So yeah, I think things are looking up for ol’ Donnie Freeman!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, they’re definitely not. The saddest man in the world, everybody, Donnie Freeman. [cheers and applause] Yeah, good luck, Donnie.

Tina Fey: Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world premiere screening of the new miniseries Pope John Paul II, starring Cary Elwes and Jon Voight. He’s coming to the premiere because Jon Voight’s daughter is Angelina Jolie, and even the Pope wants to hit that. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: Stay away from my Pope, Jolie. [Tina laughs] I know how you work.

Royal officials announced Friday that Prince William has won a place at Britain’s elite Sandhurst Military Academy, to train to become an Army officer. Apparently the admissions committee was particularly impressed by his essay. [picture of a sheet of paper, with the words “I’m Prince William” written on it]

Tina Fey: And now, a “Weekend Update” Sports Minute for Ladies.

Game One of the World Series was tonight. Uh, the Chicago White Sox played, uh, those other guys, and I think they beat them by, like, a couple, I think.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, and it was really long.

Tina Fey: Ugh, it was so long.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Weekend Update” Sports Minute for Ladies. [cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in China in December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they’re making. [applause]

In China, the show will be called Cleaning Pad Charlie Rectangle Shorts.

Amy Poehler: Good show, I would watch that.

A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middle school with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning’s growing up so fast! [some applause]

Tina Fey: Businessman Robert McCormick is refusing to pay a $200,000 bill from a night at the Scores strip club two years ago, insisting that he did not spend more than $20,000 that night. “Oh, that’s much better,” said his wife.

Amy Poehler: The Monroe County jail in Indiana is within ten days of running out of toilet paper, because the county council will not allow the warden to transfer funds to pay for it. The story will be told in the upcoming film, “The Brown Mile.” [some boos mixed with cheers; Amy smiles] WHOO!

Researchers say that about one half of American teens go online to get information about sex, while the other half get their sex information from Don Pardo—oh no, wait a second, that can’t be right.

Don Pardo: It’s true, Amy Poehler, I know a lot about sex.

Amy Poehler: [disgusted] Oh please, Don, don’t say that anymore—

Don Pardo V/O: Wanna know how babies are made?

Amy Poehler: No!

Don Pardo V/O: Good, I’ll stop by your dressing room and show you!

Amy Poehler: What? God!

Tina Fey: Wow, Don, you’re gonna do this in front of me? You’re gonna hit on her in front of me.

Don Pardo V/O: Don’t be like that, boo. [some applause]

Tina Fey: Oh, Don Pardo, it is impossible to be mad at you!

Amy Poehler: You’re a charmer, a charmer.

Tina Fey: I love you, Don Pardo.

This week marked—[cracks up] This week marked the beginning of exorcism classes at Vatican University, and the last week of Jazzorcism classes. [picture of a possessed baby waving his arms at an aerobics class; some applause]

Amy Poehler: Tired of all the prostitute jokes they have to endure, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, Connecticut, are petitioning the town to have their street’s name changed to Stonebrook Lane, after longtime resident Louise Stonebrook... who is a prostitute.

Tina Fey: Amy, last night I saw a comedian who made me laugh so loud, I was like, tears. For real, very inspiring. He’s blind, and he’s a prop comic. Please welcome Pep Walters!

[Pep approaches a microphone next to Tina; applause]

Pep Walters: [facing Tina] Hey!!! Check out this crowd!!—which way am I facing?

Tina Fey: A little that way. [turns Pep so he faces the audience]

Pep Walters: There we go. What’s up, everybody? [audience cheers] Yeah, yeah!

Did you ever go on an airplane? Some guy’s got a baby who’s crying too loud? [chuckling] Yeah, I got something for that!

[to Tina, but the audience can still hear him] Will you reach into my bag, real quick, and just, uh, grab one—

Tina Fey: In here?

Pep Walters: It’s in there, yeah.

Tina Fey: [reaching into the large bag Pep brought, she pulls out a furry tennis racket] This?

Pep Walters: No, that’s not it. [to the audience] On a plane!

Tina Fey: [pulling out a hard hat with a satellite dish attached] Is this it?

Pep Walters: No, that’s not it. Just keep going, then. [to the audience again] Got a baby who’s crying too loud? Man, I got something, you won’t believe it! Ha ha! [Tina pulls out a toilet seat with reflectors attached] No, that’s not it, it’s these, uh, earmuffs that say “Shut That Baby Up” on it.

Tina Fey: Oh, OK.

Pep Walters: That’s, um, the punchline of the joke—[Tina finds the earmuffs and gives them to Pep, who puts them on] Hey!! Check it out! Shut that baby up! [little audience reaction, since the punchline has been given away; Pep is clearly disappointed] Just get me off the stage, please? I- I think I’m done.

Tina Fey: Oh, uh, OK. Just back up and turn right.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, thank you Pep Walters.

Pep Walters: [startled] Who was that? Who else is here?

Tina Fey: Oh, it’s just Amy.

Pep Walters: Oh, OK. Yeah, I need to get off.

Tina Fey: Just that way to the right. Good job, Pep.

Pep Walters: OK.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Pep. [cheers and applause]

Swedish researchers discovered a new way to—[Suddenly, Pep’s head appears in Amy’s camera shot] Oh boy.

Tina Fey: Pep! No, the other way, Pep!

Amy Poehler: The other way! [Pep wanders around in front of the desk, still in the shot. Amy laughs]

Tina Fey: Get out of the shot, Pep.

Amy Poehler: Pep, get out of the shot!

Tina Fey: Pep, just—

Amy Poehler: Move in any direction!

Tina Fey: Move in any direction, Pep, and you’ll be out of the shot! Just, even, bend down a little bit. [Pep finally gets out of the shot. Amy is still laughing. Cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Oh boy, tears!

A new survey shows that the average person spends four years of their life housecleaning, and just 16 hours having orgasms, which makes sense. It probably would take four years to clean up after a 16-hour orgasm. Am I right, Tina? Up top! [holds her hand out for Tina]

Tina Fey: No.

Amy Poehler: No? I’ll do it myself. [gives herself a high five] Boom.

Tina Fey: Alright, thank you.

Madonna made a surprise appearance at New York’s Hunter College on Wednesday as a guest professor. The course was “Fake English as a Second Language.” [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A twelve-year-old Michigan boy is trying to break the Guinness Book of World Records for most continuous karate kicks in one hour. Least happy about this: the boy’s little brother.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina waves; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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