Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Celebrity Ironman

Bill Perry.....Chris Parnell
Donnie Brantley.....Seth Meyers
.....Lance Armstrong
Racers.....Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader
Overweight Racer.....Horatio Sanz
Stephen A. Smith.....Finesse Mitchell

[open on title screen: "ESPN," with music]

[dissolve to title screen: "Celebrity Ironman" with stock footage of swimmers, cyclists, and runners]

Bill Perry: We are here at the Celebrity Ironman competition in Virginia Beach. [dissolve to newsroom with Bill Perry and Donnie Brantley] And the leaders are just finishing the biking stage of the race. I'm Bill Perry and I'm here with Donnie Brantley [titles of their names are shown], winner of Iron Man '98. Who do you like at this point, Donnie.

Donnie Brantley: Well, I don't think it's any surprise, but I'm going with Lance Armstrong. [dissolve to Lance Armstrong riding a bicycle down a road] After a poor swimming leg, Lance hasn't surprised anyone with a dominant biking portion that left the rest of the field in the dust.

[dissolve to newsroom]

Bill Perry: He certainly seems unbeatable at this point.

Donnie Brantley: Lance Armstrong; all he knows how to do is win.

Bill Perry: And here he goes. He's off the bike and about to begin his run. [dissovle to Lance Armstrong running down a road, oddly flailing his arms directly into the air] That's strange. What's happening here, Donnie?

Donnie Brantley: I'm not really sure, Bill. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think Lance Armstrong knows how to run.

Bill Perry: You're not going to get an argument from me. Let's see how our other racers are doing.

[dissolve to racers, with all other racers passing Lance Armstrong; an overweight racer is the last to surpass him, and Lance's arm motions become less spirited]

[dissolve to newsroom]

Donnie Brantley: Well, I mean, I guess, based on the swimming portion, we might have expected this.

Bill Perry: Let's look back at that tape. [dissolve to athletic swimmers] Here we see the other swimmers. And, where's Lance? Let's take a look at him. [dissolve to rescue helicopter hovering over struggling swimmer] Ah, there he is.

[dissolve to newsroom]

Donnie Brantley: Yeah, if it wasn't for that helicopter, I don' t think he would have made it.

Bill Perry: Let's take a break, and we will be right back.

[dissolve to title screen: "ESPN," with music]

[dissolve to Stephen A. Smith in front of monitor with title: "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith"]

Stephen A. Smith: I'm Stephen A. Smith, and coming up on "Quite Frankly," did Hurricane Katrina cause the New Orleans Saints to collapse, or did years of losing by the Saints cause Hurricane Katrina? Quite frankly, I can say whatever I want, because ESPN loves me. [crosses his arms and smiles]

[dissolve to newsroom]

Bill Perry: Well, the race is over, and a disappointing finish for Lance Armstrong. Our own Donnie Brantley is with him now.

[dissolve to Donnie Brantley interviewing Lance Armstrong at the finish line]

Donnie Brantley: Tough one today, Lance. How would you describe it?

Lance Armstrong: Well, I think the biking went great. That was really the high point, though.

Donnie Brantley: The running and the swimming seemed to have some hiccups.

Lance Armstrong: Maybe I overfocused on the biking in training. It's hard to tell, man.

Donnie Brantley: Yeah, you would have thought biking wouldn't have needed too much of your focus.

Lance Armstrong: I just kept thinking, "I'm Lance Armstrong. If I lose the bike part, I'll be the laughingstock." So I just went bike, bike, bike in training, leading up to the race.

Donnie Brantley: Right. Talk us through the swimming.

Lance Armstrong: You know, they say you never forget how to ride a bike. Well, they don't say that about swimming, and now I know why. Man, I totally forgot how to swim. That water caught me totally off guard. I was, like, "What's going on? It's crazy!"

Donnie Brantley: Yeah. And the running?

Lance Armstrong: I never really knew how to run, either. Don't know how people do it. Seems unnatural, ungodly.

Donnie Brantley: Wow. Pretty strong take on running.

Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I feel the same about walking, too. We have bikes for a reason. Give me one thing you can do on foot that you can't do on a bike.

Donnie Brantley: Go up stairs?

Lance Armstrong: This interview's over, man! [walks away]

Donnie Brantley: All right, we'll be right back after this.

[dissolve to title screen: "ESPN," with music]

[dissolve to title screen: "Celebrity Ironman" with stock footage of swimmers, cyclists, and runners]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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