Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4











05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Lance Armstrong's Monologue

.....Lance Armstrong
French Audience Member.....Fred Armisen
George the Cyclist.....Jason Sudeikis
Other Cyclists.....Will Forte, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg
Terrell.....J.B. Smoove ... Terrell
Female Audience Member.....Liz Cackowski
.....Sheryl Crow

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Lance Armstrong!

Lance Armstrong: Thank you! What's up! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It has been AMAZING hosting "Saturday Night Live" this week. I would say it's been a tiring week, but, come on -- I'm Lance Armstrong; I don't get tired! I've been working really hard on the show, trying to do a good job -- but just not TOO good. Because the last time I did something TOO good... the French started testing my urine every fifteen minutes.

French Audience Member: [ on exaggerated French accent ] Lance! Lance! Lance! Eet's great to hae you back in A-merry-ka! I have a few quest-yawns?

Lance Armstrong: [ nodding sheepishly ] Go ahead...

French Audience Member: Have you had fun these week?

Lance Armstrong: It's been challenging, but it's been a lot of fun.

French Audience Member: [ smiling ] And a... two-part quest-yawn: Do you have a urine sample, and, if so... can I have it?

Lance Armstrong: No!!

French Audience Member: [ irked ] Eet's our race! Stop weening eet! J'ACCUSE!!! [ he rushes off ]

Lance Armstrong: Any other questions? [ he looks into the audience ] You?

[ reveal group of cyclists in the audience ]

George: Yeah! Yeah, I got a question: A lot of people think cycling is a team sport -- Is that true?

Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] Yeah! It is a team sport.

George: Uh-huh. So are you hosting alone... or with the whole team?

Lance Armstrong: [ he tries to keep from laughing ] George... we've been through this, man.

George: Mmm-hmm. So alone, then?

Lance Armstrong: Yes.

George: Alright. Let's get out of here, boys!

[ the cyclists stomp their feet and shuffle out of the studio ]

Lance Armstrong: Anybody else?

Terrell: [ standing ] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got a question! Uh, yeah -- Is it true those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets have made over FIFTY million damn dollars?!

Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] As a matter of fact, the LiveStrong bracelets have raised over 58 million dollars for cancer research.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Terrell: Now, how much of that money do you get?!

Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] All the money goes to cancer research.

Terrell: [ amused ] You didn't get NOTHING?

Lance Armstrong: Nothing.

Terrell: Damn! [ he takes his seat ]

Lance Armstrong: Alright. One more question.

Female Audience Member: [ raising her hand ] Um -- I heard you and Sheryl Crow are engaged.

Lance Armstrong: Yes! We're definitely getting married.

Female Audience Member: [ smiling ] That's really great!

Lance Armstrong: She said Yes!

[ Sheryl Crow stands next to the Female Audience Member and leans into her ear ]

Female Audience Member: Um -- hold on. [ Sheryl Crow whispers into her ear ] Have you set a date?

Lance Armstrong: No... But I'm sure we will now. We have a great show tonight. As you can tell, Sheryl Crow is here! [ the audience cheers wildly ] So stick around, we'll be right back!


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