Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

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05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
Harriet Miers.....Rachel Dratch
Voice of President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
.....Finesse Mitchell
.....Scott Podsednik
Mrs. Butterworth.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Yesterday, Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, was indicted on five felony counts, ranging from perjury to obstruction of justice, in the Valerie Plame leak case. For more on this story, ask Scooter! Apparently that mo-fo will tell you anything!

If convicted, Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice—ten years in prison, making false statements—five years, perjury—five years, going to jail with the name “Scooter”—priceless.

The indictments against Scooter Libby were announced at a press conference Friday by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Trim, soft-spoken, manly Patrick Fitzgerald. His clear, steady voice, piercing blue eyes, and unimpeachable integrity restoring my faith in America, and making me feel like doing things I have never done before! I love you, Patrick Fitzgerald, because you don’t lie to me. I love you.

Amy Poehler: [picture of Harriet Miers] Shocking many on Thursday, the Religious Right participated in a second-term abortion. [applause]

Now that she’s no longer a nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers will continue as President Bush’s counsel, and oversee the selection of a new nominee. Reportedly, she already has a candidate in mind: Shmarriet Shmiers. [Harriet with a Groucho Marx mask, complete with large eyebrows]

Tina Fey: Here to explain her decision to withdraw her nomination is Harriet Miers.

[pan to Harriet, who holds a glass of red wine; applause]

Harriet Miers: Thank you, Tina. I decided this week that proceeding with my nomination would be too much of a burden on this administration. So I pulled it. And you know what? I feel really good about it. [takes a sip from the glass]

Tina Fey: Great! Now Harriet, you had been in charge of picking potential nominees, so were you surprised when President Bush chose you?

Harriet Miers: Tina, I’ve been waiting so long for that day when he would call me, when Bushie finally offerd me the nomination. I just felt like,
Sometimes the snow comes down in June,
Sometimes the sun goes ‘round the mooooonn--

Tina Fey: OK, Harriet, Harriet, don’t- don’t sing any more of that or we’ll, uh, we’ll have to pay for it.

Harriet Miers: [raising her hand] Okey-dokey. [lowers her hand, spilling some of the wine from the glass] Oops.

You know, at first I didn’t want to take the nomination, because I thought it’d ruin the friendship. [another sip from the glass]

Tina Fey: Sure. Right.

Harriet Miers: And frankly, I felt like I was extremely unqualified!

Tina Fey: Well sure, because you’ve never been a judge, and you’re not a Constitutional scholar or anything, I mean—

Harriet Miers: But then I thought, you know what? Wait a second. A man wouldn’t second guess himself like this! I mean, Donald Rumsfeld never says, “Hey! I can’t be Secretary of Defense! I’ve never even served in the Army!” Right? Porter Goss doesn’t say, “I can’t run the CIA! I don’t have any intelligence experience!” [some applause] And Mike Brown didn’t say, “Hey, I can’t run FEMA! I’m the head of the Arabian Horse Society, for pete’s sake!” [cheers and applause; Harriet drinks some more]

I mean, we’re ALL unqualified! Why am I the only one who has to admit it?

Tina Fey: That’s right, Harriet. Now Harriet, what—[Harriet pays no attention to Tina, drinking her wine and staring off into space] Merlot?

Harriet Miers: Mmm, yeah.

Tina Fey: What do you say to Far Right Republicans who felt that you weren’t conservative enough for the high court?

Harriet Miers: Oh Tina, religious views should have nothing to do with judicial views. [lets out a loud belch, nearly breaking character as Tina pats her on the back]

But Roe v. Wade is a constant problem within the Republican Party. I mean, on one hand, [grabbing Tina’s hand and slamming it on the desk] you have the Evangelicals who want to overturn Roe v. Wade forever, right? And then on the other hand, [lifting Tina’s hand and slamming it to the desk a second time] you have wealthy fiscal conservatives who need lots of safe, legal abortions for their slutty teenage daughters! [drinks some more]

Tina Fey: Oh alright, Harriet, that’s enough wine. OK.

Harriet Miers: Alright, hold on one second. [reaches for her cell phone]

Tina Fey: Who are you calling?

Harriet Miers: Mr. President! [laughs] Oh wait, it’s ringing.

Tina Fey: Uh, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drunk-dial the president.

Harriet Miers: I- I’ve known this guy for twenty years. I’ve got plenty of two A.M. calls from him saying, “Guess where I am! Guess where I am!” [phone rings]

President George W. Bush V/O: You have reached the White House. You know what to do. [beep]

Harriet Miers: [into the phone] Hey George, it’s Harriet. I just wanted to say that I don’t want it to be weird between us at work on Monday, so if you agree, call me back, OK? [to Tina] He’ll call me back. I mean, if it wasn’t for me, that genius would’ve gone to jail years ago.

Tina Fey: You, uh, haven’t hung the phone up yet, Harriet.

Harriet Miers: [gasps] Oh, scratch!

Tina Fey: Harriet Miers, everybody!

Harriet Miers: [reaching for the glass of wine] I’ll take this. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Defying federal laws, a California city council voted to create a municipal agency to distribute medical marijuana. The agency will be called “The Santa Cruz Department of Kevin’s Van.”

Tina Fey: [picture of a child catching an egg that breaks in midair] This week, during an egg-tossing contest in Kansas City, this cute little six-year-old girl showed us how we’re all going to catch bird flu.

And now, it’s time for our “Weekend Update” Bitch Fight News Quiz.

[Music Over: “I Know What Boys Like,” The Waitresses]

[Show title graphic. Dissolve back to the “Weekend Update” desk]

Alright, so of course you all know how this works. I read Amy a quote, and she has to guess whether it is Lindsay Lohan talking about Paris Hilton, or New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd talking about fellow New York Times reporter Judith Miller. Alright, ready Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, let’s do this! [dramatic music plays in the background]

Tina Fey: Alright, Quote #1: “She came up and told me to get out of her seat, and it was such an outrageous move, I just had to laugh.”

Amy Poehler: OK, I’m gonna say that’s Lindsay Lohan talking about Paris Hilton at Fashion Week. [buzzer]

Tina Fey: No, that was Maureen Dowd writing about Judith Miller, in the venerable New York Times.

Amy Poehler: OK.

Tina Fey: Quote #2: “I often wonder what Evelyn Waugh or William Makepeace Thackeray would have thought of her.”

Amy Poehler: Uh, Maureen Down on Judith Miller? [buzzer]

Tina Fey: No. Weirdly enough, that was Lohan talking about Paris Hilton.

Amy Poehler: Wow!

Tina Fey: She’s a reader. #3: “She thinks she’s so great, ‘cause she has a pink razor phone.”

Amy Poehler: Oh I’ve read this one. Maureen Dowd. [ding] Yeah, she hates that.

Tina Fey: Correct. Maureen Dowd, in an Op/Ed piece on Judith Miller. Quote #4: “I hear that one time, she had sex with Moammar Kadaffi.”

Amy Poehler: Wow, this one could go either way. I’m gonna say, Maureen Dowd? [buzzer]

Tina Fey: No, that was a trick question. That was actually Paris Hilton, talking about Paris Hilton.

Amy Poehler: OK, she does that a lot.

[display title graphic once again]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Weekend Update’s” Bitch Fight News Quiz. When bitches be fighting, “Weekend Update” is there.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don.

The next edition of The Real World will be shot in Detroit, as will several cast members. [applause]

Tina Fey: A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq, and the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: This week—this week, in honor of her passing, we celebrate the legacy of Rosa Parks. Here to comment is our own Finesse Mitchell.

[pan to Finesse; applause]

Finesse Mitchell: Yes, thank you. Thank you. Now, Rosa Parks took a stand for all black people by sitting down at the front of that bus. That’s why tonight, in honor of Ms. Parks, I’m staging a sit-in here at the whites-only section of Saturday Night Live, the “Weekend Update” desk! [Tina and Amy give Finesse strange looks] Mm-hmm, from Chevy Chase, all the way to Dennis Miller, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, I have seen more white people sit at this desk than I’ve seen shop at Abercrombie & Fitch! And I don’t shop there. I shall not be moved.

People say that we’ve made a lot of progress since the days of Rosa Parks. But I say we have a long way to go. You say, “But Finesse, a black woman is now Secretary of State.” Black woman? She is a Republican, and her hobby is figure skating. She ain’t nothin’ but a buck-toothed white girl with a tan! I shall not be moved. [applause]

Now you say, “But Finesse, black-owned businesses are popping up all over America.” I say, go to any Magic Johnson Theatre after ten P.M. and see if you can find one row without a baby cryin’ in it! Just one! Now, that don’t have nothin’ to do with black people, I just wanted to say that. And I shall not be moved.

Now you say, “But Finesse, a black man is now the CEO of American Express.” Hmm. Hm-hm-hmm. [pats his forehead with a white handkerchief] I say, if that’s true, then why don’t they approve me for a damn card? Hook a brotha up, brotha! I shall not be moved!

You say, “But Finesse, the government guarantees all black people the right to vote.” I say, they need to guarantee us a boat! Black people can’t float! [picture of hurricane victims huddled on top of a building] I shall not be moved! Not from this seat, not ever, not now, not today—[starts to hum to himself, waving his handkerchief back and forth]

Amy Poehler: OK Finesse, um, Finesse, you- you know your guests are here, right?

Finesse Mitchell: Don’t mess with me, Amy. Don’t mess with me. [starts humming again, then pauses] Who- who are you talkin’ about?

Amy Poehler: Oh, uh, those two models that you met at the club, they’re in your dressing room.

Finesse Mitchell: Oh…yeah. [The humming softens, Finesse’s thoughts elsewhere. Eventually, still seated, he rolls away from the desk. Amy waves to him]

Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell taking a stand, everybody. [cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: A new study finds that men who smoke are less likely to make a woman pregnant than non-smokers, especially if they smoke pole.

Amy Poehler: An eight-year-old Maryland girl has been credited with this year’s first bear kill. Though what’s most disturbing is, she strangled it.

According to a report, Courtney Love dropped off her dog at a vet’s office in the spring, and still hasn’t picked him up. The dog is extremely grateful.

Tina Fey: This week, the Chicago White Sox swept the Houston Astros in four games to win their first World Series in 88 years. [cheers and applause] Yes! Please welcome the hero of Game Two, World Champion Chicago White Sox left-fielder Scott Podsednik!

[pan to Scott; applause]

Scott Podsednik: Thanks, Tina and Amy. Great to be here.

Tina Fey: Thanks for being here, Scott. Am- Amy and I are so psyched that you’re here. We’re huge White Sox fans from way back, ‘cause you know, we both used to live in Chicago.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Scott Podsednik: Oh really? What part?

Amy Poehler: Uh, Wrigleyville.

Tina Fey: Evanston.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, so you know we’re hardcore Sox fans.

Scott Podseknik: Really? People from the North Side are usually Cubs fans... and yuppies.

Tina Fey: [taken aback] What?

Amy Poehler: No! Yuppies? We’re old-school die-hard Chicagoans! We used to hang out at all the gritty places.

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm. Ann Sather’s bakery.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, the American Girl Store.

Tina Fey: Walgreen’s.

Scott Podsednik: [confused] Have you guys ever even been to the South Side?

Amy Poehler: Hells yeah! We’re South Side all the way, yo! I would always, you know, just hop on the Red Line to Cominsky Field—

Scott Podsednik: Uh, Amy, that’s Comiskey Park, which is now U.S. Cellular Field.

Amy Poehler: I know that!

Tina Fey: I- I buy all my meats on the South Side, alright? Moo & Oink!

Tina and Amy: Moo- moo- Moo & Oink! [dancing to the commercial jingle]

Amy Poehler: I bought my car at Celozzi-Ettelson Chevrolet!

Tina and Amy: Celozzi-Ettelson Chevrolet, where you always save more money!

Tina Fey: I flew out of Midway once!

Amy Poehler: Listen, I had a bunch of friends that lived in the Robert Taylor Homes.

Scott Podsednik: Oh really, what were their names?

Amy Poehler: Uh, JJ, and uh, Thelma... [clearly embarrassed at her blown lie]

Scott Podsednik: Listen, if you- if you guys are Cubs fans, just admit it.

Tina Fey: [a beat] We’re Cubs fans.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we’re Cubs fans.

Tina Fey: [pointing at Amy] She’s a Red Sox fan!

Amy Poehler: Shut up, Tina!

Scott Podsednik: Guys, guys, it’s cool. Relax. This World Series win was for all the cursed teams. And it belongs to all the Ch- all the people in the Chicagoland area.

Amy Poehler: That’s right. Even Skokie?

Scott Podsednik: Even Skokie.

Tina Fey: Even Wilmette?

Scott Podsednik: Even Wilmette.

Amy Poehler: Even Schaumberg?

Scott Podsednik: No, not Schaumberg.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. World Series champion Scott Podsednik, everybody! [cheers and applause] Adorable! Look at the face on that guy! Adorable.

On Thursday, many New Yorkers were perplexed by a strange odor all over the city, that smelled like maple syrup. This is alarming, coming just days after the release of the terror tape from Mrs. Butterworth.

[cut to Mrs. Butterworth, who stands in a deserted area outside a cave; applause]

Mrs. Butterworth: Mrs. Butterworth wants you to eat more pancakes. Mrs. Butterworth will not rest until the infidels are full of pancakes. Pancakes to America. PANCAKES TO AMERICA!! [she smiles; applause]

Amy Poehler: Wow, that is- that’s really chilling!

Tina Fey: I know, it’s just chilling, and they’ll never find her.

Amy Poehler: I know, they’ll never find her, and she’s right over there. [points at the green screen to her left]

Tina Fey: This week, McDonald’s will launch a two-day media event to tout the quality of its food, and to combat critics who say its burgers and fries are unhealthy. McDonald’s says their food represents all four food groups: brown, dark brown, tan, and salty.

Tashkeel Media Group has announced an agreement with Marvel Comics to bring Arabic language comic books to Arab countries. The first to go on sale will be the Marvel classic “Spider-Man vs. the Zionist Entity!”

Amy Poehler: New Jersey this week announced they’re searching for a new state motto. The leading suggestion so far: “New Jersey and You—Who Farted?” [applause]

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Amy and Tina wave to the camera; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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