Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Thomas and Dobbins

Broker.....Finesse Mitchell
Kim.....Amy Poehler

[ open on 1% vs 40% graphic, the 1% figure grows in stature above the 40% figure ]

Broker V/O: This year, the top 1% of the population will earn more than the bottom 40% combined. But that doesn't mean the bottm 40% doesn't need financial planning.

[ dissolve to Broker in the Thomas & Dobbins office ]

Broker: At Thomas and Dobbins, we specialize in money management for people of a lower income. And we're making success stories every day.

[ cut to Kim Barefoot, Carnival Concessions Assisitant, delivering testimonial in her kitchen ]

Kim: Look, I'm about as far away from a millionaire as you can get. But a Dobbins broker took the time to work with me, to achieve my long-term goals.

[ dissolve to Kim in the office looking over portfolios with her Broker ]

Broker V/O: We discussed many investment options with Kim that fit her financial profile, including bingo, plasma donation, and commemorative plates. After going over a thorough analysis, we finally agreed to go with the lottery.

[ dissolve to Broker standing before a pie chart of Kim's financial possibilities ]

Broker V/O: Our first rule is: diversify. So, for Kim's portfolio, we put 33% in "Pick 4," 33% in "Pick 6," and the rest in Scratch-offs.

[ cut to Kim testimonial in her kitchen ]

Kim: After the beanie baby crash of 1996, I did not know where to turn. But Thomas and Dobbins put me at ease right away. Their experienced professionals showed me how to wait until the Jackpot hit top dollar. And their research department helped me verify which one of my numbers was the luckiest.

[ cut to Broker sitting in his office ]

Broker: So don't let the rich guys be the only ones getting financial advice. Come by Thomas and Dobbins' offices today. We are accessible from all bus routes, and we've even got snacks in our lobby. They're free!

[ cut to Kim testimonial in her kitchen ]

Kim: I have a plan now. I'm going to show my Mama she was wrong about me.

[ cut to Broker sitting in his office ]

Broker: When other people say "No.." [ cut to close-up ] We say "Maybe."

[ cut to product graphic ]

Announcer: Thomas and Dobbins - investment advice for the rest of us.

[ fade ]

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