Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Good Morning Meth!

Chorus.....Amy Poehler, Will Forte
Ronald.....Jason Lee
Patti.....Any Poehler
Renell Williams.....Kenan Thompson
Keith.....Will Forte
JJ.....Bill Hader
Shirtless guy.....Jason Sudeikis

[Fade up on a shack in the middle of a dirt road. As the “Good Morning Meth” logo fades in, the theme song plays]

Chorus: It’s sweeping the nation!
It’s sweeping the nation!
From Eulenberg County to the Great Northwest,
Everybody’s doing that crystal meth!

[Dissolve to the living room, as Ronald, seated on a couch, is shaking in all directions. Regardless, he still has a wide smile as he addresses the camera]

Ronald: [quickly] Hey everybody! Welcome back to “Good Morning Meth,” the only talk show dedicated to crystal meth and the meth lifestyle. Used to be a morning show, then it turned into a morning-and-afternoon show, then it turned into a morning-afternoon-and-evening show! Now we just leave the cameras on all the time, ‘cause we don’t sleep, y’all!

Patti: [offscreen] Introduce me!

Ronald: Uh, I want to introduce my cohost—

Patti: Whoo!

[Shot widens to include Patti, whose bare feet rest comfortably on the table in front of her. A shirtless guy is hunched over the corner of the couch, next to her, and he doesn’t move]

Ronald: She- she’s my girlfriend, the mother of my kids, and a couple other kids, and she also enjoys crank. Please welcome Patti!

Patti: [suddenly speaking in a cheery morning-show voice] Heeyyyyy! Good morning! [rubs her hands on her shirt]

Ronald: Over the last four years, we’ve met people from all walks of life, uh, who enjoy grinding up asthma medicine, boiling it in kerosene and ingesting it.

Patti: I enjoy it because it makes me feel positive, confident, and sexy! [Patti has several burn marks on her face, and her crooked teeth force her to speak with a lisp]

Ronald: Our next guest does it for gay reasons. Please welcome Renell Williams!

Patti: Whoo!

[Ronald stands, and as Renell enters, both shake each other vigorously. Meanwhile, Patti stands up, turns around in a circle, and sits back down again]

Renell Williams: I can’t stay long, you guys. I have a friend in the car, and he needs to get to the emergency room.

Ronald: Who doesn’t, Renell? So, why do you enjoy ice?

Renell Williams: Well, meth helps me with my social anxiety disorder. You see, when I’m on meth, I can do sex with people that if I were not on meth I would never do it with because they are disgusting.

Patti: I use it to help control my weight problem. I mean, look at me six months ago!

[Cut to a photo of Patti from six months ago. She looks just fine]

Ugh, disgusting!

Ronald: And I take it to unwind before a long day of school bus driving.

Patti: Whoo!

Renell Williams: You know, actually, I am in the process of quitting, ‘cause I don’t wanna lose my teeth, because people have always told me that my teeth are my strong suit. [smiles to show four teeth with large gaps between them]

And also, sometimes when you’re tweakin,’ and you’re doin’ it with people, they try to kill you!

Ronald: Renell, that is just—that is just anti-meth propaganda. I’ve only seen that happen four or five times.

[Keith enters, running a loud vacuum cleaner behind the couch]




Keith: THEN WHEN??


Patti: [screaming] DON’T VACUUM NOW, KEITH!! LATER!! LATER!!

[Keith drops the handle to the vacuum cleaner, but it continues to run. Patti firmly puts her hands over her ears]

Ronald: That’s Keith. He used to be an accountant, but now, thanks to meth, he can take a VCR apart in six minutes for no reason! He’s gonna be back later showin’ us how to take VCRs apart for no reason. Now it’s time for “In the Kitchen With Patti.”

Patti: Whoo!

[Patti jumps up and runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, as stereotypical 1950s homemaking music plays. JJ stands, motionless, smiling and pointing to several bottles in front of him. Patti crashes into JJ. The vacuum cleaner can still be heard]


Keith: [offscreen] THEN WHEN??

Patti: NO!!! [The vacuum cleaner shuts off. Remembering the camera’s on her, Patti speaks in a morning-show voice again] Hello. Ron- Ronald, I’m here with my friend JJ. He’s gonna show us some holiday meth pipes. How you doin’ today, JJ?

JJ: I rule this town, I rule!

[JJ and Patti laugh rapidly]

Patti: That is true, ‘cause until recently, JJ was the mayor... OK JJ, tell us what you got here. It all smells so good!

[As JJ speaks, Patti responds with a barrage of nonstop “Uh-huh”s]

JJ: Well I took some Pert Plus, sautéed it with some, uh, Sudafed, strained it through this adult diaper, and it comes out as a paste.

Patti: When’s it gonna be ready?

JJ: Approximately 48 hours!

Patti: OK, I’m gonna wait right here! Back to you, Ronald!

[Patti lets out a loud, happy sigh as she inhales the fumes. Cut back to the couch, as Ronald stares nervously into the camera]

Ronald: [whispering] I can’t talk right now because the shadow people are right behind the couch, and they’re tryin’ to find my address…

[Cut back to the kitchen. JJ and Patti are both clearly frightened, as their lips quiver uncontrollably. Cut back to the couch]

Renell Williams: See now, this paranoia I will not miss. I will miss having four days of nonstop unprotected intercourse with strangers at the Pentaround Parkway rest stop, OK?

[Renell grins again. Keith reenters with his vacuum cleaner]

Ronald: NOT NOW, KEITH!!

Keith: THEN WHEN??



[Ronald calms down]

Ronald: Coming up in the next nine hours, I’m gonna stab somebody, and maybe we’ll find out who this guy is!

[He points to the shirtless guy. That guy suddenly jumps up, makes several karate chops, and runs out of the room. Cut to an outdoor shot of the shack, which suddenly explodes. The theme music plays again as the show’s logo appears]

Ronald V/O: Uh-oh. This don’t look right.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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