Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters


Douglas Firth.....Seth Meyers
Deb Porter.....Rachel Dratch
Richard Hard.....Jason Lee
Gary Packer.....Chris Parnell
Clint Haverwood.....Fred Armisen
Vincent Vanderbone.....Bill Hader
Tony "The Wiener" McNamara.....Will Forte
Buford McNulty.....Horatio Sanz
Grandson 1.....Jason Sudeikis
Grandson 2.....Andy Sandberg

(Whistling theme music, display of photos with famous people and their moustaches: Burt Reynolds, Hulk Hogan, John Waters, The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi, Rob Reiner, Steve Harvey, Yanni. Showīs logo: "'Stachin'", big handlebar underneath. Host sits with his guests, various kinds of moustaches hang from the walls. Douglas is in a suit and tie, has big curly moustache)

Douglas Firth: Welcome to 'Stachin'. The show that celebrates Americaīs favorite facial hair, the moustache. Iīm Douglas Firth and we got a great show for you today. Letīs meet our panel. Adult film star, Richard Hard.

(Richard has loud, half bottomed Hawaiian shirt, perm, big moustache)

Richard Hard: Yoī.

Douglas Firth: Health club counter worker, Deb Porter.

(Deb has light but noticeable moustache)

Deb Porter: Thanks for having me.

Douglas Firth: And entrepreneur, Gary Packer.

(Gary has little Hitler-looking moustache)

Gary Packer: Good to be here.

Douglas Firth: Now Richard you are on a bit of a crusade. Tell us about it.

Richard Hard: Well, I noticed a disturbing trend in the adult entertainment industry. (Caption: "Richard Hard. Adult Film Star") Of course, Iīm talking about the alarming decrease of moustaches. In my day actors had moustaches and with those moustaches came class, dignity and nobility. Iīm talking about men like Clint Haverwood (Photo of horny looking moustached Clint), Vincent Vanderbone (Photo of another moustached horny looking actor), Tony "The Wiener" McNamara. (Photo of Tony in mid-orgasm, eyes rolled in the back of his head). When you take the moustaches out of the porn movies, all thatīs left is sex. And letīs be honest, no one watches pornos for sex!People want moustaches, "WA-WA" guitar and scenes with pizza delivery men. Thatīs porno! Thatīs America!

Douglas Firth: Controversial stance. Now Deb, obviously you must feel pretty strongly about moustaches.

Deb Porter: What gave me away? (laughs) I guess I should explain why Iīm here on 'Stachin'. (Caption: "Deb Porter. Health Club Worker") I just love a man with a moustache.

Douglas Firth: And when did you grow yours?

(Deb oblivious)

Deb Porter: Umm, I donīt know if I ever grew an affection for moustaches on men. I just think I was just born with it. (Giggles)

Douglas Firth: But what about your moustache?

Deb Porter: My own perfect moustache? Hmm, I love a man with a Magnum P.I.

Richard Hard: No, you have a moustache.

Deb Porter: A thing for moustaches? Guilty! (Laughs)

Richard Hard: (points) No, thereīs a moustache on your face!

Deb Porter: Not now there isnīt but if you and I were smooching there would be! So lay it on me! (Leans towards Richard, Richard a little worried, curious look on Douglas)

Douglas Firth: Well, while we try to sort this out. Letīs hear a quick word from our sponsors.

(Cut to commercial. Commercial is of a moustached, gray haired, grandpa-looking man in his mom and pop shop)

Buford McNulty: Some things never go out of style. The way a pie tastes when it comes out of the oven. Your old dog Red barking to come inside. The ticklish comfort of a good old fashioned moustache ride. Hi there. Iīm Buford McNulty. Here at McNaulty and Sons moustache ridery weīve been offering moustache rides for over 50 years. Now 3 generations later not only have I given a lifetime of rides, Iīm also lucky enough to have my grandsons in the business as well. (Sleazy looking moustached guys join Buford) When we first opened our doors moustaches rides were only 5 cents. There are a little more expensive now but itīs still cheaper than taking the subway. So, come on down ladies! Thereīs a seat waiting for you. (Grandsons leave,music plays, the background turns into a graphic of the American flag waving, Buford sings) "Lifeīs a wonderful journey with many twists and turns! So wouldnīt you feel better, riding on a moustache!!" (Bufordīs warm smile. Caption: "McNulty and Sons")

Announcer: McNulty and Sons.

(Back to studio)

Douglas Firth: Welcome back. Now Gary, an interesting moustache choice.

Gary Packer: Ah, itīs not really a choice.

Douglas Firth: Care to elaborate.

Gary Packer: Umm, well Iīve always been a moustache man. (Caption: "Gary Packer. Entrepreneur") Up until a few years ago I had a healthy handlebar. Sadly, I was caught in a fire. The flames burned away on my moustache from both ends and cruelly, the skin beneath will no longer grow hair.

Douglas Firth: So youīre left with what we see now.

Gary Packer: Yes. And I know that a lot of people incorrectly feel that it is making some sort of a political statement. Well, let me say this, the only statement I am making or have ever made is that I love moustaches.

Douglas Firth: Well, we at "'Stachin'" applaud your courage.

Richard Hard: Right on broī. Youīre my hero.

Douglas Firth: If you donīt mind me asking. How did you get caught in a fire?

Gary Packer: I was burning down a synagogue.

(Awkward pause)

Douglas Firth: We should move on.

Richard Hard: Thatīs a killer 'stash you got there, Douglas. How did you get it so curly?

Douglas Firth: Well, after years of failures and disappointment in growing a moustache naturally, I had a grafting surgery that took hair from one part of my body and move it to my lip.

Richard Hard: What part?

Douglas Firth: I'd rather not say. Join us next week when my guests will be NFL coaches Bill Cowher, Andy Reid and Jeff Fisher. Thank You.

(Show's whistling theme music plays. Caption: "'Stachin'." Another display of famous moustached guys: Sam Elliot, Steve Harvey, one dude from Dukes of Hazzard, Yanni)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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