05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters
Douglas Firth.....Seth Meyers
Deb Porter.....Rachel Dratch
Richard Hard.....Jason Lee
Gary Packer.....Chris Parnell
Clint Haverwood.....Fred Armisen
Vincent Vanderbone.....Bill Hader
Tony "The Wiener" McNamara.....Will Forte
Buford McNulty.....Horatio Sanz
Grandson 1.....Jason Sudeikis
Grandson 2.....Andy Sandberg
(Whistling theme music, display of photos with famous
people and their moustaches: Burt Reynolds, Hulk Hogan,
John Waters, The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi, Rob
Reiner, Steve Harvey, Yanni. Showīs logo: "'Stachin'", big
handlebar underneath. Host sits with his guests,
various kinds of moustaches hang from the walls.
Douglas is in a suit and tie, has big curly moustache)
Douglas Firth: Welcome to 'Stachin'. The show that
celebrates Americaīs favorite facial hair, the
moustache. Iīm Douglas Firth and we got a great show
for you today. Letīs meet our panel. Adult film star,
(Richard has loud, half bottomed Hawaiian shirt, perm, big moustache)
Richard Hard: Yoī.
Douglas Firth: Health club counter worker, Deb Porter.
(Deb has light but noticeable moustache)
Deb Porter: Thanks for having me.
Douglas Firth: And entrepreneur, Gary Packer.
(Gary has little Hitler-looking moustache)
Gary Packer: Good to be here.
Douglas Firth: Now Richard you are on a bit of a crusade. Tell us about it.
Richard Hard: Well, I noticed a disturbing trend in
the adult entertainment industry. (Caption: "Richard
Hard. Adult Film Star") Of course, Iīm talking about the
alarming decrease of moustaches. In my day actors had
moustaches and with those moustaches came class, dignity
and nobility. Iīm talking about men like Clint
Haverwood (Photo of horny looking moustached Clint),
Vincent Vanderbone (Photo of another moustached horny
looking actor), Tony "The Wiener" McNamara. (Photo of
Tony in mid-orgasm, eyes rolled in the back of his
head). When you take the moustaches out of the porn
movies, all thatīs left is sex. And letīs be honest,
no one watches pornos for sex!People want moustaches,
"WA-WA" guitar and scenes with pizza delivery men.
Thatīs porno! Thatīs America!
Douglas Firth: Controversial stance. Now Deb, obviously you must feel pretty strongly about moustaches.
Deb Porter: What gave me away? (laughs) I guess I should explain why Iīm here on 'Stachin'. (Caption: "Deb Porter. Health Club Worker") I just love a man with a moustache.
Douglas Firth: And when did you grow yours?
Deb Porter: Umm, I donīt know if I ever grew an affection for moustaches on men. I just think I was just born with it. (Giggles)
Douglas Firth: But what about your moustache?
Deb Porter: My own perfect moustache? Hmm, I love a man with a Magnum P.I.
Richard Hard: No, you have a moustache.
Deb Porter: A thing for moustaches? Guilty! (Laughs)
Richard Hard: (points) No, thereīs a moustache on your face!
Deb Porter: Not now there isnīt but if you and I were smooching there would be! So lay it on me! (Leans towards Richard, Richard a little worried, curious look on Douglas)
Douglas Firth: Well, while we try to sort this out. Letīs hear a quick word from our sponsors.
(Cut to commercial. Commercial is of a moustached, gray
haired, grandpa-looking man in his mom and pop shop)
Buford McNulty: Some things never go out of style. The
way a pie tastes when it comes out of the oven. Your
old dog Red barking to come inside. The ticklish
comfort of a good old fashioned moustache ride. Hi
there. Iīm Buford McNulty. Here at McNaulty and Sons
moustache ridery weīve been offering moustache rides for
over 50 years. Now 3 generations later not only have I
given a lifetime of rides, Iīm also lucky enough to
have my grandsons in the business as well. (Sleazy
looking moustached guys join Buford) When we first
opened our doors moustaches rides were only 5 cents.
There are a little more expensive now but itīs still
cheaper than taking the subway. So, come on down
ladies! Thereīs a seat waiting for you. (Grandsons
leave,music plays, the background turns into a graphic
of the American flag waving, Buford sings) "Lifeīs a
wonderful journey with many twists and turns! So
wouldnīt you feel better, riding on a
moustache!!" (Bufordīs warm smile. Caption: "McNulty and Sons")
Announcer: McNulty and Sons.
(Back to studio)
Douglas Firth: Welcome back. Now Gary, an interesting moustache choice.
Gary Packer: Ah, itīs not really a choice.
Douglas Firth: Care to elaborate.
Gary Packer: Umm, well Iīve always been a moustache
man. (Caption: "Gary Packer. Entrepreneur") Up until a few
years ago I had a healthy handlebar. Sadly, I was
caught in a fire. The flames burned away on my
moustache from both ends and cruelly, the skin beneath
will no longer grow hair.
Douglas Firth: So youīre left with what we see now.
Gary Packer: Yes. And I know that a lot of people incorrectly feel that it is making some sort of a political statement. Well, let me say this, the only statement I am making or have ever made is that I love moustaches.
Douglas Firth: Well, we at "'Stachin'" applaud your courage.
Richard Hard: Right on broī. Youīre my hero.
Douglas Firth: If you donīt mind me asking. How did you get caught in a fire?
Gary Packer: I was burning down a synagogue.
Douglas Firth: We should move on.
Richard Hard: Thatīs a killer 'stash you got there, Douglas. How did you get it so curly?
Douglas Firth: Well, after years of failures and disappointment in growing a moustache naturally, I had a grafting surgery that took hair from one part of my body and move it to my lip.
Richard Hard: What part?
Douglas Firth: I'd rather not say. Join us next week when my guests will be NFL coaches Bill Cowher, Andy Reid and Jeff Fisher. Thank You.
(Show's whistling theme music plays. Caption: "'Stachin'."
Another display of famous moustached guys: Sam Elliot,
Steve Harvey, one dude from Dukes of Hazzard, Yanni)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel