Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6
















05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot

Mark.....Bill Hader
Leonard Kelly.....Jason Sudekis
Teri Hatcher.....Eva Longoria
Marcia Cross.....Amy Poehler
Eva Longoria.....Rachel Dratch
Felicity Huffman.....Kristin Wiig
Nicolette Sheridan.....Seth Meyers

[open on title screen with voice over: "And Now, The Question All Of Planet Earth Wants Answered...What Really Happened At The "Desperate Housewives" Vanity Fair Photo Shoot]

[dissolve to photo shoot, set up as a poolside patio, with two assistants setting up props]

Mark: [entering] All right, that looks great. Okay, just leave that. Thanks.

[assistants leave]

[title: "'Vanity Fair' Photo Shoot," "February 12, 2005"]

Leonard: [enters, holding folder] Hey, Mark. Hello, I'm Leonard Kelly, publicist with ABC. We are so excited about the "Vanity Fair" cover. We can't even tell you.

Mark: Oh, great, thanks.

Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the "Desperate Housewives" themselves get here, okay? Uh, let's see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?

Mark: [surprised] Okay.

Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That's not a joke.

Mark: Wow.

Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies' heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.

Mark: Why would I do that?

Leonard: I don't know, but it's happened to us before, okay?

Teri Hatcher: [enters, wearing a white bathrobe] Hi Mark. I'm Teri Hatcher. [shakes his hand] I'm so excited to be photographed by you. [removes bathrobe to reveal a red bathing suit] Ready when you are.

Mark: Uh, I thought we'd wait for the other ladies.

Teri Hatcher: Have it your way.

Marcia Cross: [enters wearing a white bathrobe over a green bathing suit] Hi, hello, Mark. I'm Marcia Cross [shakes his hand], and I think this shoot is going to be tremendously fun. A few of our castmates can be a little bit difficult, but I'm the easygoing and normal one.

Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I'm Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you're really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]

[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva's hand towards Mark to complete the shake]

Mark: Thanks. You are, too.

Marcia Cross: Oh, am I not amazing, Mark?

Mark: Huh?

Marcia Cross: Am I less than amazing? I mean, Eva's amazing, you're amazing, and am I just a little sesame seed in a dog's excrement?

Mark: No, that's not what I meant at all.

Marcia Cross: Okay, my mistake. Carry on!

Felicity Huffman: [enters wearing a white bathrobe and shakes Mark's hand] Hi, I'm Felicity Huffman. Please don't make me do anything dumb. [turns away]

Mark: Okay?

[Nicolette enters wearing a white bathing suit]

Mark: And you must be Nicolette Sheridan.

Nicolette Sheridan: [with very deep voice, used throughout] Where do I stand, sweetheart?

Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let's just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.

Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.

Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.

Mark: You don't like the chaise idea?

Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it's genius.

Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.

Mark: Let's have you lay across the front.

Eva Longoria: Ooh, fun!

Teri Hatcher: Oh, I know! What if I'm in the middle, Mark?

[everyone shouts, "Nooooo!!!"]

Mark: Let's have Teri--

Leonard: No, no, no, you can't have Teri next to Marcia, because it makes Teri feel like her head is too small.

Teri Hatcher: Leonard, does my head look too small?

Leonard: I'm on it!

Mark: Okay, Felicity, how about--

Leonard: No, no, no, you can't put Felicity next to Eva, because Felicity is allergic to Eva's perfume.

Nicolette Sheridan: Let's get this going before I have to shave my legs again.

Teri Hatcher: Okay, can I just say [walks towards center of shot] I am so happy to be with you guys [steps forward], and to have my comeback. [smiles and poses]

[everyone shouts, "Nooooo!!!"]

Mark: Nicolette, let's have you sit--

Leonard: No, no, no, I'm sorry, you can't have Nicolette sitting or you'll see her package. [points downward]

Nicolette Sheridan: I don't want them to see my balls, Leonard.

Leonard: I'm on it!

Nicolette Sheridan: Thank you.

Mark: Okay, Marcia, how about you move about two inches to the left. [Marcia screams theatrically] Or not.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, Marcia, don't cry! [rushes up to her] We're all here together. [steps forward and poses]

Marcia Cross: Get her out of the middle!

[other housewives scream, "Nooooo!!!" and Nicolette picks Teri up and moves her to the edge of the shot]

Mark: Let's shoot this, ladies!

Nicolette Sheridan: I moved her!

Marcia Cross: Good job.

[woman pose as actually featured on the cover of Vanity Fair ]

Mark: Three, two, one! [bright flash]

[dissolve to photo with title: "Vanity Fair," and article titles, including "Housewife Confidential!" matching actual Vanity Fair cover]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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