Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 3rd, 2005

Dane Cook

James Blunt

None

None

Jorma Taccone

JB Smoove

Tree Re-Lighting Special
Summary: To celebrate the re-lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center, a holiday choir sings religiously-neutral carols that won't run the risk of offending viewers who don't celebrate Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Megan Mullally, Donald Trump.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she's still absent from the episode for maternity leave.


Dane Cook's Monologue
Summary: Dane Cook performs stand-up on a variety of topics that includes photography and bouncing cashews off his penis.

Bio: Dane Cook (1972-). Comedian; created the Super Finger (Su-Fi) as a way of adding pizazz to the tradition of giving someone "the finger."

Also Hosted: 06a.


Monday Morning Assembly
Summary: Members of the West Bedford High School Drama Club re-enactment the morning announcements to the student body.

Transcript


Taco Town
Summary: The world's largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: Repeat from 05b.


The Long Ride Home: The Jay Feely Story
Summary: Feeling somber over his gaffes during the Giants game, Jay Feely (Dane Cook) nearly gets a chance to redeem himself on the ride home when the airplane pilot (Chris Parnell) suddenly takes ill.


Wool Sweater
Summary: Keith (Dane Cook) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: The buffet table doesn't collapse the first time Dane Cook falls on it, so he intentionally throws himself into it a second time.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsals of the Steve Carell and Jon Heder episodes.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former's problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Eva Longoria episode.

Transcript


Target Greatland
Summary: Target employee (Kristin Wiig) and her trainee (Dane Cook) carry on unsettling behavior in front of customers.

Recurring Characters: Target clerk.

Transcript


James Blunt performs "You’re Beautiful"
Bio: James Blunt (1974-). English singer-songwriter; former Officer with the British Army, who served as a NATO peacekeeper in Kosovo; he also performed duties at the Queen Mother's funeral, including carrying her coffin.

Transcript


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Rachel Dratch plays a film of her recent experiences wandering through the city in fat padding. Michael Irvin (Kenan Thompson) comments on his recent drug arrest.

Transcript


The Coma
Summary: Upon waking from a 24-hour coma, Jerry (Dane Cook) finds himself living in an altered universe where his grieving girlfriend (Amy Poehler) is sudenly married to another man (Will Forte).

Transcript


Fight Back with Victor Ramos
Summary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) and his sidekick (Dane Cook) show Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of this season's episode hosted by Eva Longoria episode and last season's episode hosted by Kate Winslet.

Transcript


James Blunt performs "Goodbye My Lover"


Morgan Stanley
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client's (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 05a.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Car Rental
Summary: A car rental salesman (Dane Cook) creeps out a couple (Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch) when he cracks various bones in his body.


Stuart Little Mouse Removal Kit
Summary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Note: This commercial parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.


Scam Artist
Summary: A scam artist (Dane Cook) pretends to be other people in order to collect money from his victims.


Hallmark
Summary: A sales associate (Dane Cook) at Hallmark is driven crazy when customers (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) delight in playing with a piano-playing mechanical snowman.


Carol!
Summary: At the Bowl-a-Rama, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up another male friend (Dane Cook) with the enigma that is Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Note: This sketch will air next week on the episode hosted by Alec Baldwin.


Exercise Class
Summary: An exercise instructor (Dane Cook) makes his patrons stretch to "Walk Like an Egyptian".



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