05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt
Fight Back with Victor Ramos
Victor Ramos....Horatio Sanz
Jeremy Oskin....Dane Cook
Nancy Saunders....Amy Poehler
(CAN TV logo)
Announcer: You are watching Can Television. Cable Access of Chicago. Up next Fight Back with Victor Ramos.
(A dojo like studio with swords and martial arts weapons on the walls. A fist comes out from a door in the back. An attractive business woman sits in the studio)
(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)
(Victor Ramos comes out. He´s fat with curly hair and a mustache and also wears a red jacket)
Victor Ramos: Hello everyone. Welcome to Fight Back. I´m your host Victor Ramos. I´m a volunteer neighborhood street guardian. I´m a expert in karate, nunchucks usage, throwing stars and most importantly I am prepared for anything.
Jeremy Oskin: AAAAAHHH!!!!
(A young man wearing the same red jacket attacks Victor rather lamely. Victor blocks the punches)
Victor Ramos: Uh hah! Now allow me to introduce my co-host. He´s my spiritual brother in the struggle against injustice and he´s also the assistant manager of the reptile department at Pet Smart. Please welcome Jeremy Oskin.
(Victor holds up a wooden plank for Jeremy to punch and destroy. Jeremy punches)
Jeremy Oskin: Yiah!(wooden plank is not broken)
Victor Ramos: One more time. (Jeremy punches and it cuts in two) Oh!
Victor and Jeremy: (they bow to each other) Osu.
Jeremy Oskin:(kind of a speech impediment) Thank you for having me in the program. I just like to say a few words. Recently Victor and I we were forced to end our association with the Guardian Angels due to a disagreement over procedure. Apparently it had come to their attention that I was not wearing the proper uniform while patrolling the city´s subway lines.
Victor Ramos: What were you wearing?
Jeremy Oskin: A full rubber Batman costume.
Victor Ramos: And because I was dressed as Robin I had to quit as well. Anyway, let me bring out my first guest. She is the director of security for the Chicago Transit Authority. Miss Nancy--oh, you gonna have to help me with this one. Nancy Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders. Nancy Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Interesting. Uh, Miss Saunders welcome, now is the city beefing up security in this days of elevated terrorist-s?
Nancy Saunders: Well as of Monday we´ve been performing random bags checks. We´ve also been---
Victor Ramos: Excuse me. Wouldn´t you say the best defense is a strong offense, Miss Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Ok, let me show you a little plan that Jeremy and I have come up with to deal with this suspicious weirdoes. Help me out on this Jeremy.
(Victor and Jeremy get up for a demonstration)
Jeremy Oskin: For this exercise I´ll be playing the good samaritan minding his or her own business. And Victor will be playing an Al-Qaida. (Victor puts on a backpack) "Hey, how are you? What is with that big backpack?"
Victor Ramos: "I´m looking for a place to fix my turban. Can you please tell me where I may find a train full of innocent people?"
Jeremy Oskin: Hmmm. This man says he needs his turban fixed. And that´s weird. Why would he do his business in a train as well? That´s suspicious.
Victor Ramos: Jeremy has realized this is a prime opportunity to quiz the perpetrator.
Jeremy Oskin: "So let me ask you this. Who is the most talented martial artist of all time?"
Victor Ramos: Now, if the perpetrator were to answer anything other than A)Bruce Lee or B)Chuck Norris, he better C) his way out of this country before we kick his ass.
Jeremy Oskin: At which point I would commence my attack with whatever weapons available to me and in this case is a big bag of extra hot Cheetos which I would push into his face. Yipow!(pushes bag into Victor´s face)Then with my trusty throwing star plunge it into his shoulder. Yiah!(he demonstrates) And with my feet and knees which are both registered with the FBI, I would kick his balls.(he demonstrates the stomping)
Victor Ramos: Yes. Now a kick to the testicles is not lethal. Testicles are made out of a spaghetti-o like substance so you would not kill the assailant but merely bring him down.
Jeremy and Victor: Osu. (they bow to each other, sit)
Nancy Saunders: Well, um, that was a wonderful play. But we at the Transit Authority we just can´t randomly attack people.
Victor Ramos: I don´t tell you how to drive a bus. Don´t tell us how to randomly attack people.
Nancy Saunders: I´m not a bus driver. I´m the head of security for the Transit Authority.
Victor Ramos: Whatever you say, Miss Squanjack. If that is your real name.
Nancy Saunders: Its not. Its not my real name.
Victor Ramos: Ok, well that´s all the time we have left. I want to thank my co-host Jeremy Oskin and my special guest Miss Squanjack.
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders!(almost losing her cool)
Victor Ramos: And remember, when in doubt, fight back. Jeremy, lets show ´em what we got.
(Jeremy starts throwing ninja stars into a target. And Victor demonstrates his nunchucks abilities)
(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel