Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Target Greatland

Target Clerk.....Kristin Wiig
Trainee.....Dane Cook
Customer #1.....Rachel Dratch
Customer #2.....Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]

Customer #1: Yeah, Iím just finishing up some shopping, so Iíll see you at home. OK? Bye.

Target Clerk: Weíre sorry we smelled your candle.

Trainee: Iím not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.

Customer #1: Oh, well that candleís a gift for my mom.

Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?

Customer #1: Oh thatís OK.

Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when Iím feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.

[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]

Target Clerk: Weíve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, itís a whole other candle.

Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That oneís just fine.

Target Clerk: Theyíre real marvelous. Iím gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.

Trainee: I donít have a Target discount card yet because Iím still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.

[ makes ripping motions with hands ]

Target Clerk: Thereís one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom itís like a nutmeg.

Trainee: I donít know why I donít have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before itís gone.

Customer #1: Again, Iím really OK with what Iíve got here.

Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?

Customer #1: Yeah, itís aÖ

Target Clerk: Itís 99 cents! Do we have more of these?

Customer #1: Oh, yeah, theyíre right over thereÖ

[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]

Customer #1: Where is that woman going? GreatÖ Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause Iím kind-of in a hurry.

Trainee: I wish that I could, but Iím still in training. So weíre probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.

[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]

Target Clerk: Eureka! Iím gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!

[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customerís secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]

Customer #1: OKÖ

Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!

Trainee: You did it!

[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]

Customer #2: Howís it going?

Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, youíd have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?

Customer #2: Yeah, thereís tons of them, if youÖ HeyÖ Whereís she going?

Trainee: Oh, donít worry. Sheís fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?

[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]

Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, itís for my daughter. Itís a training bra.

Trainee: Oh, hey! Iím in training here, too. Is she here?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Is she in the car?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?

Customer #2: No!

Trainee: I just think that itís weird that weíre both in training, her and I.

[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]

Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]

Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.

Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.

Target Clerk: WellÖ $32.12. Cash!

Trainee: Yes!

[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]

Target Clerk: If youíre looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? Thereís a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!

Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!

Customer #2: No thanks. Iím good!

Target Clerk: But thereís another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little ballsÖ

[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Travis Drum

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