Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira


Carol.....Horatio Sanz
Amanda.....Amy Poehler
Jim.....Jason Sudeikis
Doug.....Alec Baldwin

(Opens with the outside of a bowling alley called Bowlarama, scene cuts to inside of the bowling alley)

Doug: Hey, hey what's up, Jimbo, my man, and the lovely Amanda.

Amanda: Hi, Doug.

Doug: Hey, bowling, I love this, I haven't been bowling forever. So what's the deal with this girl you're setting me up with here.

Amanda: Oh, you'll love her she's a real free spirit.

Doug: Well, Lord knows I'm game. The last time I got laid you can still carry knives on planes. You know what I mean?

Jim: Well, it hasn't been that long, bro'.

Amanda: Oh, there she is now.

Doug: Oh, do I look ok? (passes hand through his hair)

Jim: Yeah, don't worry, you look great.

Amanda: Carol! (In comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey, girlfriend!

(cut to jingle)

"And then there's Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there's Carol!
(Points at herself like saying "Who? Me?")
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!"

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol: I'M CAROL! (Carol is up in bright colored letters)

(back to scene)

Amanda: Oh, Carol!

(Carol picks her up and swings her left and right before putting her down)

Carol: Heeey! Aaaahhh!! Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Carol: Oh, la, la. Who's this cutie?

Amanda: Oh, this is our friend Doug.

Carol: Well, it looks like someone took first prize in the Kevin Sorbo look-alike contest. I'M CAROL!

Doug: You're looking lovely yourself, Carol.

Carol: I came here straight from work so I had to change my pantyhose in the bathroom of Panda Express. I think I got some fried rice in my panties.

Amanda: Ok, Carol let's pick up some balls, shall we?

Carol: Ok,oohh I have to be careful. Mine can't be too heavy. I slipped a disk trying to shave my ankles.

Amanda: Oh, Carol.

Doug: Oh, that's ok. I'm very intrigued by a woman who is so comfortable with her own body.

Amanda: Hey, why don't you guys go first? You wanna get some drinks, Jim? I'll have a beer.

Jim: Ok, can do. Doug, you want a beer?

Doug: Sure. (Gives Jim the ok sign and a thumbs up approving of Carol)

Jim: What about you, Carol?

Carol: Uuuummm, I guess I'll have a Shamrock shake with a shot of Jameson up in it.

Jim: Yeah, you know Carol I think the only place you can get a Shamrock shake is at...well, you know, McDonalds.

Amanda: Yeah, on or around St. Patricks Day.

Carol: Oh, no! This is a disaster! What should I get?

Doug: How about a sex on the beach?

Carol: How about a sex in the men's room?

Doug: My, my, you are enchanting, Carol. (Mouths "Thank you" to Jim with grest enthusiasm)

Jim: This is going super. How about I'll get us a pitcher of beer, all right?

Carol: Nooooo!!! Just get me a Mad Dog 20 20, I'll crush up a few no-doze in it.

Jim: You're the boss, Carol. (Jim heads for the bar and suddenly Carol pulls him violently by the arm)


Jim: Ok.

Amanda: I'll help you out honey.

Jim: Yes, please. (They both go to the bar leaving Doug and Carol alone)

Doug: So Carol, tell me about yourself. What does an enchanting flower like you do for a living?

Carol: Ummm, I work for the goverment.

Doug: Oh, really? Fascinating.

Carol: Yeah, I work in a toll booth on a New York state throughway.

Doug: Oh, I-87?

Carol: Really? Because I 69! I'M CAROL!!

Doug: Carol, your wordplay delights me. I swear to God if I had a ring right now I would get down on my knees.

Carol: Oh my, get out of town. (pats him playfully on the shoulder)

Jim: All right, here we are. (brings pitcher of beer)

Carol: Oh, is this for me? Aaaaahhhh!! (takes pitcher and starts gulping down the beer)

Jim: No, no, no, that was actually for everyone.

Amanda: Ok, are you ready to bowl guys?

Carol: Wait a second! I'm eating! (eats Slim Jim)

Doug: Carol, that looks delicious. Will you mind sharing?

Carol: No. But you gotta come here and get it. (puts Slim Jim on her mouth)

Doug: Sure thing. (Doug starts eating the Slim Jim from the other end bringing their mouths closer and closer and are interrupted by Jim and Amanda)

Jim: Hey, guys, guys, guys!

Amanda: I think we're ready to bowl, right?

Carol: Fine, we'll bowl. But you guys will have to take your turns will I go powder my nose.

Amanda: Ok, fine.

Carol: I mean, I gotta go push one out and smoke a doobie in the crapper.

Doug: I got a better idea. Why don't you do exactly what you just said but back at my place.

Carol: Ok, but we better hurry, cause I got a gaiter barking. (Doug and Carol leave holding hands)

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

And then there's Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there's Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:"Who? Me?")
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!"

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I'M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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