Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Face Transplant

Mr. Rio.....Alec Baldwin
Doctor.....Tina Fey
Doreen.....Seth Meyer, Rachel Dratch, Kenan Thompson
Donor's Family Member #1.....Chris Parnell
Donor's Family Member #2.....Fred Armisen
Woman.....Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of medical facility]

[dissolve to interior, a patient's room, with a doctor, a man, and a woman on the bed with her face bandaged]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, I have every reason to believe your wife's face transplant was a complete success.

Mr. Rio: Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.

Doctor: But I want you to brace yourself. The full face transplant is still a new technique, and we're learning that the loved ones of the patient often have a harder time adjusting than the patient themselves. [begins removing bandage]

Mr. Rio: I'm just grateful that she's alive. It's a miracle she survived that wolf attack.

Doctor: Yes. Did they ever find out who released those wolves into the Burger King?

Mr. Rio: It was white supremacists.

Doctor: [shakes her head] White supremacists. What a world. Mr. Rio, say hello to your wife.

[Doreen lies in the bed with her face now revealed, with a masculine appearance]

Doreen: [with a numb mouth, continuing throughout] How do I look?

Mr. Rio: You look beautiful, Doreen. More beautiful than the day we got married.

Doreen: I love you.

Mr. Rio: I love you, too. [whispering to doctor] How much of this is swelling?

Doctor: None.

Mr. Rio: But I imagine, over the next few months, her face will settle and change?

Doctor: No, no, this is it.

Mr. Rio: I love you so much, Doreen! I'd never let anything come between us.

Doreen: Except wolves.

Mr. Rio: Except wolves, yes. [to doctor] Remind me. Her face, it was much worse after the wolf attack? Worse than this?

Doctor: Yes. Yes.

Doreen: Oh! Oh! It hurts! It hurts!

Doctor: Oh, Mr. Rio, your wife's body is rejecting the face!

Mr. Rio: But she was just--

Doctor: I'm going to have to ask you to step outside! [she pushes him out and turns to tend to Doreen]

[dissolve to waiting room]

Mr. Rio: Oh, please, God, forgive me for secretly wishing that her body will reject that face. Don't let anything happen to my dear Doreen!

[pan to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: "Three Days Later"]

[dissolve to Doreen's room]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, you can come in. We found a new donor, and your wife is doing very well. The donor's family are here to share in the results.

[two men are present, with very large noses and ears, and bushy eyebrows, while Doreen's face is still bandaged]

Donor's Family Members: Hello.

Mr. Rio: Oh, brother.

[the doctor removes the bandages from Doreen's face, and the two men gasp at the sight of a face with features similar to theirs]

Donor's Family Member #1: Oh, it's her sweet face!

Donor's Family Member #2: Given new life! Isn't she beautiful?!

Mr. Rio: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much.

Doreen: I feel like a woman again!

Mr. Rio: Shhh...try not to talk, honey.

Doctor: Now, it's very important that your wife stay on this hormone medication, so that her body doesn't reject the face again. [indicates IV drip]

Mr. Rio: Oh, this one here? [pulls the tube from the bag] Oops!

Doctor: Damn it! [pushes Mr. Rio from the room as Doreen begins to convulse]

[dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: "Three Days Later"]

[pan to Mr. Rio in the waiting room, reading a "Travel and Leisure" magazine with title: Three Days Later]

[dissolve to Doreen's room]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, we were lucky enough to get one more donor.

[Doreen, now with the face of a black man, moans indistinctly]

Mr. Rio: No. This is not gonna work. No.

Doctor: Pardon?

Mr. Rio: I can't live with a face like that. You have to change it!

Doctor: You racist! Have you learned nothing from the wolf attack?!

Mr. Rio: I'm not a racist. It's just that I knew that guy once. We were in the marines together. And one terrible night in Afghanistan, he raped me!

Doctor: My God.

Mr. Rio: Then, when we got back to the states, we went into business together, and he embezzled from me. Everything that I had!

Doctor: Why did you go into business with him after he raped you?

[he gestures towards the doctor, but fails to articulate anything before turning to his wife]

Mr. Rio: Honey, you have Ronny's face! They gave you Ronny Jackson's face!

Doreen: Oh! Oh, no! I'll tear it off myself!

Doctor: Okay, okay, we'll change it!

[dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: "The Next Day"]

Mr. Rio: [entering the hospital room] Oh, my God, finally, thank you, thank you, God! A face that's worthy of my beautiful Doreen. [strokes the hair of an attractive redheaded woman who is lying in the bed, moaning] Shhh, Doreen, quiet now, honey. [reaches down to the comforter and gently squeezes her breasts] Yes. Oh, yes.

Doctor: [entering] What are you doing?!

Mr. Rio: Just reconnecting with my wife.

Doctor: Your wife died! That woman is here for foot surgery!

Mr. Rio: Just give me five more minutes, please?!

[the doctor shrugs and leaves]

[fade to black, as Amy Poehler can be heard saying jokingly to Alec Baldwin, "How dare you, again?!"]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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