Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Saddam's Prison Cell

Saddam Hussein.....Alec Baldwin
Guard.....Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, U.s. prison compound in Iraq ]

[ SUPER: "Baghdad, Iraq" ]

[ SUPER: "U.S. Prison Compound" ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison cell, Saddam Hussein banging his cup across the iron bars ]

Saddam Hussein: Guard! Guard!

Guard: [ steps forward ] What now, Saddam?

Saddam Hussein: What now, what now! I'm lonely, that's "what now." I'm am lonely. Is being lonely a crime? If it is, it can't be a worse crime than mass murderer, so what do I care?

Guard: It's not my job to keep you company. If you wanted company, you should not refuse to show up at your trial.

Saddam Hussein: Okay, okay. So tell me, have they fixed the stairs yet?

Guard: Saddam, how many times do I have to tell you - you can't fix stairs, okay? You have to walk up them every time you go to court.

Saddam Hussein: I know, but four flights - four! You know, when all those witnesses behind the curtain were talking about all the terrible things that had been done to them - the handcuffs, the blindfolds, the beatings - I wanted to say, "Hey! I'm walking up four flights every day!"

Guard: I look forward to you getting what you deserve, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, I know, I know, I know.. [ changing the subject ] I'm not all that bad. What's your name?

Guard: I will not say.

Saddam Hussein: Aw, come on, just tell me your name!

Guard: Nope!

Saddam Hussein: You have nothing to fear.

Guard: Okay. It's Azik Aziz.

Saddam Hussein: [ without hesitation ] Your family will dead by morning.

Guard: [ his eyes grow wide ] What?!

Saddam Hussein: [ laughs ] I am joking! [ mellows down ] Oh man, I can't stop thinking about those stairs. You know, in my prisons, we had stairs. But, once you went down, you never came back up, if you know what I mean.

Guard: I know what you mean.

Saddam Hussein: I mean, we killed them.

Guard: I don't want to hear about it!

Saddam Hussein: I am so depressed all the time. I was sitting in the court the other day, and it hit me - everybody thinks I'm guilty. I was looking around, trying to smile at some of the ladies, and it was like I had a beard made of poo! [ in agony ] Somebody love Saddam! [ runs crying to his cot ] Waaaahhhh!! [ the guard ignores Saddam, so he bawls louder and louder until he can get his attention ]

Guard: Come on, it's not that bad!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, how can you say that?

Guard: I don't know. What about your lawyer - Ramsey clarke. He's a big-time American lawyer, very famous, that's not bad.

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, he's good, huh? Have you seen his client list? David Koresh. Slobadon Milosovic. Rwanda genocide dudes. Nothing says "I'm guilty" more than Ramsey at your table. You'd think he could at least have one client who wasn't a huge bastard. Having Ramsey clarke as your lawyer is like going to a nightclub with Tom Sizemore - no matter how it shakes out, people think you're up to no good.

Guard: [ confused by the archaic reference ] Tom Sizemore?

Saddam Hussein: Hey, you're the guys giving me the two-year old US Weekly in here.

Guard: Okay, no more talking.

Saddam Hussein: Ohhh, I gotta change these underpants, man - for all of our sakes!

Guard: I can't help you.

Saddam Hussein: How about a cigarette?

Guard: No!

Saddam Hussein: At least let me get some exercise.

Guard: You won't even go up stairs!

Saddam Hussein: Okay, you got me. I don't want to exercise. But you cannot stop Saddam Hussein from saying this: "Live, from, New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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