Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett.....Alec Baldwin
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on show logo over show set ]

Announcer: It's "The Tony Bennett Show!"

[ logo fades ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Bennett!

[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]

Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I've sung for kings and queens, and one things for sure - I love things that are great!

[ singing ]
"I love things that are great
Good things are fantastic.
Guess what - I also paint as a hobby
Nothing drastic.
'Cause I dig everything except things that I don't
And I'll try anything except the things I say I won't.
But one thing's for sure
I like things [ scatting ] that are great!"

[ the audience cheers ]

Tony Bennett: Hey, everybody, thank you so much! [ chuckles ] Yeah! Today's show is really terrific, we've got a whole bunch of great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we're gonna be bouncing to the crazy sounds of Korn, one of the great, great artists singing out there today. I met them backstage at an M-TVdoings, and these cats really know how to rock the joint. But, first, I'd like you to meet my first guest. He's a high roller in the big ol' White House in Washington, D.C. - which also happens to be his initials. Please welcome - Mr. Dick Cheney!

[ the audience applauds as Dick Cheney steps out ]

Tony Bennett: Hey, Dick, you look great! [ to the audience ] This cat can really wear the bejeesus out of a suit, can't he? [ to Dick ] How you doin', Dick? Siddown!

Dick Cheney: [ as they both sit ] Well, Tony, thank you for having me on. I'm doing pretty well.

Tony Bennett: I bet you're keeping as busy as a cat with tape on his tail - right, Dick?

Dick Cheney: Well, Tony, there is an unprecedented time in our country's history. We're fighting a global war on terror against an enemy that will stop at nothing to destroy our way of life. I guess the answer is yes, President Bush and I are very busy protecting the United States of America from these very, very dangerous people.

Tony Bennett: Yeah! Let me ask you a question, Dick - have you ever tried using those Post-'em Notes? They really help keep me from having things fly right out of my noggin. You know what I'm saying?

Dick Cheney: I.. have used them from time to time, yes.

Tony Bennett: I think they're just great. What really pops my cork is that they don't seem that sticky, but damn if they don't stick just as long as you ask them to.

Dick Cheney: They, uh.. they really stay put.

Tony Bennett: Yeah. I just love 'em. They are great, great, great, great, great, great stocking stuffers. Now - now, Dick, just out of curiosity, what's your beef with these terrorists, Dick?

Dick Cheney: Well, uh, Tony, there are dangerous groups who'd like to wage a holy war against the United States of America, and we need to do everything in our power to stop them, and that's exactly what we've been doing.

Tony Bennett: Now, I gig 360 days out of the year, so I'm playing a little catch-up here. But I did see on M-TV News that Saddam Hussein is in the clink.

Dick Cheney: That's right. He's currently on trial for killing scores of his own people.

Tony Bennett: Yeah. That sounds just great. Swingin'. Now, not to sound like stinkin' thinkin', but I heard on the Vegas line that Saddam's gonna walk.

Dick Cheney: Ha! Not gonna happen, Tony.

Tony Bennett: That's what they said about O.J., and he's on the golf course every morning. But, you know, Dick - I don't think I'd want to play in the same tournament with this Hussein fella. I mean I'll tell ya' - if he came up behind me on the course, I think I'd just let him play through. [ chuckles ]

Dick Cheney: Tony, I assure you that Saddam Hussein will be held responsible for the atrocities a h o p. W t a torture, the gassing --

Tony Bennett: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, Dick. Hold that thought on the whole atrocity business. I gotta mention our sponsor - KY Warming Liquid. [ holds up the product ] Here, Dick, could you hold this up for me right there, please. [ Cheney relunctantly grabs for the product ] Here, could you hold it a little closer there, Dick, real close to the camera? [ Cheney holds the product closer to the camera ] Yeah, swing, it, man, you're a pip! [ faces the camera, as Cheney holds the product forward and falls back from the frame ] You know, making whoopee to gals is a delicate thing. Jusy like a TV you buy from a swap meet, you just don't know how it's going to work until you plug it in. That's why you dhould try KY Warming Liquid - it warms up the ladies where it counts. And, speaking of ladies - I once held a lady's bazongas in my hands for eleven hours!! Then the doctor said, "Hand 'em over, Tony, time for me to pop them in." [ resumes the talk show format ] Hey, you keep that, Dick, that's yours. Anyway! We're back here with Dick Cheney and that pesky little war on terrorism. What's going on?

Dick Cheney: Well, Tony, the United States will not rest until there's freedom for all the Iraqi people.

Tony Bennett: [ chuckles ] Yeah, that's terrific! And how long is your Christmas break, Dick?

Dick Cheney: I'll, uh.. be spending a couple of days with my family, Tony.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, that's just great. Well, Dick, I sure hope you get this whole terrorist thing wrapped up before Christmas, so you can enjoy your holidays with your family. [ interrupts the momentum ] Hey! I got an idea! Why don't we send this number out to the guy in the cage - Mr. Saddam Hussein! Come on, Dick, sing it with me, come on!

[ both men stand to sing a Christmas tune ]

"Oh, you better not pout
You better not cry.
You better not shout
I'm telling you why."

Dick Cheney: "Santa Claus is coming to town!"

Tony Bennett: And so is Dick Cheney, looking for you, Saddam!

Dick Cheney: [ singing ]
"He's making a list
Checking it twice."

Tony Bennett: "Gonna find out who's naughty or nice."

Dick Cheney: "Santa Claus is coming to town!"

Tony Bennett: Hey!

"He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake."

He knows where that spider hole is, so don't even think about it!

Dick Cheney: "Be good for goodness sake!"

Tony Bennett: Yeah! I'd like to thank my guests - Dick Cheney, KY Warming Liquid, and O.J. Simpson and Saddam Hussein - listen up, guy, you do your time, and you'll come out a better man for it. Korn! I'll catch you on the flippety-flip. Tune in tomorrow, with my guests will be Sir Elton John and his man-bride, David Furnish. They're a couple of first-rate homosexuals, Dick. Happy holidays, everybody!

[ they continue singing "Santa Claus is Coming To Town", as we fade ]

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