Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


December 17th, 2005

Jack Black

Neil Young


Johnny Knoxville

Darlene Love

Tracy Morgan

Kyle Gass

A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Summary: Playing Santa Claus, Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) asks various children what they want for Christmas, but their answers suspiciously sound pre-written to meet Cheney's agenda. President George W. Bush (Will Forte) takes the opportunity to sit on Cheney's lap to request the new X-Box for Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, President George W. Bush.


Note: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she's still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Horatio Sanz is credited, though he, too, is absent from tonight's episode.

Note: News reports in earlier weeks announced that Howard Stern would make a cameo appearance in tonight's episode, but he ended up canceling at the last minute.

Jack Black's Monologue
Summary: Jack Black sings a song that director Peter Jackson rejected for inclusion in the new "King Kong" remake.

First Hosted: 01k.


Stuart Little Mouse Removal Kit
Summary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Summary: Family members (Jack Black, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) take a break from Christmas shopping to order pizza from Sbarro, but are inundated by strong winds since the only available seats in the crowded eatery are by the door.


Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd, just in time for Christmas. This time, Tyler (Chris Parnell) gets himself stuck in a watermelon, and Johnny Knoxville purposefully staples a two-by-four to his genitals.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.


TV Funhouse
Summary: Robert Smigel's spoof of 1960's animated holiday specials, Darlene Love delivers a Claymation chorus of "Christmastime For the Jews."


Darlene Love performs "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
Bio: Darlene Love (1938-). Singer; sang backing vocals on many of the Phil Spector-produced hits of the 60's, as well as uncredited lead vocal on The Crystals' "He's A Rebel"; also played Danny Glover's wife in the "Lethal Weapon" film series.

Channel 5 News Team Photo Shoot
Summary: The theme of this year's photo shoot is simple: pointing. Seems simple enough, except that none of the other anchors (Kenan Thompson, Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell) are pointing at Chet the weatherman (Jack Black), and he's taking it personally.


SNL Digital Short
Summary: White boys Andy Samberg and his homie Chris Parnell take to the streets of New York to perform a rap song about snacking and watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" on a "Lazy Sunday."


Neil Young performs "It's A Dream"
First Performed: 89a.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Skull Island tourism representatives, Joseph (Kenan Thompson) and Charles Lepani (Tracy Morgan).

A Very Downer Christmas
Summary: Flashback to Christmas, 1978, as a pre-teen Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) walks in on Santa Claus (Jack Black) in her parents' living room and frowns upon every gift idea planned for her.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus, Debbie Downer.


Space War 2148
Summary: Bisexual alien Glirk (Andy Samberg) makes it clear to his fellow space war survivor, an American astronaut (Jack Black), that they can repopulate the galaxy together.


Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree
Summary: Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) behave like jerks while shopping for a Christmas tree just before closing time.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.


Spelling Bee
Summary: A young Jack Black (Will Forte) stumbles on the word "Business", and attempts to spell it with way too many letters. Jack Black and Kyle Gass summarize the experience with a song.


Neil Young performs "He Was the King"


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Indigo Girls
Summary: Summary: High on a mountain, the Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) receive a sperm donation from David Crosby (Jack Black).

Recurring Characters: David Crosby.

Christmas Party
Summary: The boss (Seth Meyers) comes down hard on his employees after their office Christmas party fails to be a success.

Father Time
Summary: At year's end, Father Time (Jack Black) waits patiently for 2006 to arrive.

The X-Box Show
Summary: Gamers (Jack Black, Jason Sudeikis) tackle viewers' questions without having to interrupt their game.

SNL Transcripts