05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie
Wally Hammerlink.....Will Forte
Char Hammerlink.....Scarlett Johansson
Stack Sanchez.....Andy Sandberg
Freddie Fingers.....Fred Armisen
Back-up Vocals.....Rachel Dratch, Kristen Wiig
Joyce Crandall.....Amy Poehler
Announcer: You're watching channel 23, Duluth Minnesotta. (opens with the show's logo Duluth Live, various scenes depicting life on Duluth, houses, man with snowblower. The Duluth Live band plays easy listening rock theme of the show called "Fly High Duluth", Wally and Char sing main vocals)
Wally: Fly high Duluth, your spirit has no measure.
Char: Fly high Duluth, the northland is your treasure.
,b>Announcer: Today on Duluth Live: Joyce Crandall from
the Chamber of Commerce with some post holidays
bargains. And Dr. Paul Peterson for some news you can
use to beat those pesky sniffles.
(Darren joins the band standing next to Wally)
Darren: Welcome to Duluth Live. Great job guys. I'm
Darren. This is Char and Wally Hammerlink and they
wrote us a great new theme song. I'll let you guys
finish up while I join my partner. Take us home.
Wally: We got people walkin',talkin'
Char: Critters squewkin',squawkin'
Wally: Yeah, we got it all right here.
Char and Wally: Fly high Duluth.
Joyce: Great stuff guys. What a fun group! That's a
really catchy new theme.
Darren: Absolutely, absolutely. They all live right
here in the area. And I got to say I like this song a
lot better than the old theme. Now Joyce I
Wally: (continues singing) Fly high Duluth, on the
wings of emotion.
Darren: They are not done yet. A little bit more I
Char: Fly high Duluth, your spirit is the potion.
Wally: People tryin', buyin'
Char and Wally: Kids spyin', lyin', old folks lyin', dyin'
Wally: Oh, we got rebels making love in the streets
Char and Wally: Fly high Duluth! (theme song ends)
Darren: All right, that's great. Are you on the market
for some post holiday bargains......(Agressive hard
rock guitar riff plays, resumes the theme song) Oh,
there's more, we got a little more I guess...
Wally: I know a little place called Duluth town, went
down there by Mexico way, the women are loose and the
booze is cheap...
Char and Wally: So if you need good lovin' then you
know you gotta say Fly high Duluth!
(back to Joyce and Darren)
Darren: All right, great stuff guys.
Joyce: Yeah, maybe a little long.
Darren: They are not done, they are not done I
guess...(hard rock beat continues)
Wally: I'm Wally Hammerlink and this is my she\tiger
mate for life Char. Fly high Duluth! Feel the achin'
and a-quackin' in my old dungarees for a big legged
woman named Sally Sleezle Geezle, she only need one
look at my old trouser weasel and I throw myself down
on sweet charity oooooohhhhh!!
Char: Fly high Duluth!
(Joyce and Darren sit with stunned looks on their faces)
Wally: Oh, oh, I see my main man Stack Sanchez a-come
my way and I think his axe has something to say about
(Stack Sanchez breaks into a screeching electric
guitar solo while Darren and Joyce look on with a mix
of boredom and anger)
Char: Let's bring it way down guys, bring it way down.
(the fast rock beat changes to a slow menacing rock
beat, Wally has a bottle of Jack Daniels on his hand)
Wally: Sssshhhhhh! Now let me kick it out to you
people like this. See, we got a lot of crazy stuff
going on in this country today. We're out there dying
in the streets EVERYDAY!! YOU DIG!! Hit me!(1 drum beat)
Joyce: He's still going on?
Darren: Yes, it is, yes, it is.
(Wally takes a swig of the JD bottle)
Wally: OH, THUNDERBIRD SPIRIT!!! I see old glory over
on the horizon!! I see the tattered standard of an
invading army and their numbers ARE LEGION!!!
(Wally takes a monster gulp of JD and finishes the
whole bottle, Joyce and Darren wait helplessly)
Wally: Hit me two times! (two drum beats)Mama, don't
you point that gun at meeeee! I said PLEEEEEEESE
MAAAAAMA!!. Don't you point that gun at meeee!!
Because my loooove is consecrated in the blooood of
the APAAAAACHE NAAAAAATIONS!!!! OH, DULUUUUTH, YEAH!
(Darren, Joyce and the show's coordinator argue about
the performance that they're witnessing, Wally
Wally: Now wrap your heads around this!(drummer breaks
into a bombastic pull out all the stops drum solo,
Joyce and Darren are reading magazines. At the end of
the drunm solo more stunned looks)
Wally: Everyone give it up for my man Freddie Fingers
on the thunder machine! Yeah! Fly high Duluth!(Joyce
gets up and stretches, Darren lifts his pants leg and
examines his knee)
Char: Fly high Duluth!
Wally: Fly high Duluth!
Char: Fly high Duluth!
Everybody: Fly high Duluth, Fly high Duluth, Fly high
Duluth, Fly high Duluth!(faster rock beat resumes,
Joyce and Darren sit down and laugh)
Wally: Tell me what we're doing now!
Everybody: Fly Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!(music reaches climax)
Wally: I can feel it! WAAAAAAAAAAAYYY DOOOOOOOOOOWN IN
MY LOINS!!, my loins!, my loins!, my loins!
(more bored looks from Joyce and darren)
Everybody: FLY!, HIGH!, DULUTH!
Wally: DULUTH! DULUTH! DULUTH! FLY HIGH DULUTH OH,
YEEEAH!! (Stack smashes his guitar to pieces into the
floor and Freddie kicks and dismantles his drum set in
real The Who fashion)
Darren: Ok, that's our show for this morning. I like
to apologize to all our guests cause we're out of time.
Joyce: Bye, bye now.
Darren: Maybe no band next time.
Joyce: I don't know, they were a lot of fun.
Darren: That's subjective.
(Duluth Live logo appears)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel