Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie


Jeff.....Seth Meyers
Kendra.....Scarlett Johansson
Kevin.....Horatio Sanz
Drake.....Andy Samberg

[ open on underwater footage of a spider-shaped submarine gliding through the sea ]

[ SUPER: "Somewhere off the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench" ]

[ dissolve to interior, submarine, Kendra, Jeff and Kevin packed tightly in a horizontal line in front of the controls ]

Kendra: Approaching our targeted death of 6,000 fathoms; speed, 3 knots; directions, east by northeast.

Jeff: Congratulations, everyone. We're the first humans to lay eyes on this part of the planet Earth.

Kevin: There's some pretty remarkable, mild luminence life on port side.

Kendra: It's beautiful, Kevin.

Jeff: You know, I can't help but think down here on the bottom of the world, surrounded by darkness, there's no one I'd rather be with than the smartest, most beautiful scientist I know. My wife, Kendra. [ wraps his arm around her shoulder ]

Kendra: [ sighs ] That's.. sweet. Look.. [ shoves Kevin's arm off of her ] I can't do this any more, Jeff, we need to talk!

Jeff: Talk about what?

Kendra: Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get it out there - there's someone else.

Jeff: Well, what do you mean there's someone else?

Kendra: I've fallen for another man, and I can't hide it any more. [ glances toward Kevin ] Kevin and I are in love.

Jeff: Kevin? [ turns his head to look at Kevin ] This Kevin?

Kevin: [ meekly ] He-ey.

Kendra: I'm sorry, Jeff, but I can't change the way I feel.

Kevin: You know, um.. maybe this isn't the best time to have this conversation --

Kendra: [ angrily ] Oh, when is the best time, Kevin?!

Kevin: Oh, I don't know, maybe when we're out of this tiny, tiny submarine?

Jeff: Kendra, how could you do this to me? [ rotates his body to face Kevin ] And, Kevin, we were college roommates!

Kevin: Sorry, man. It just happened.

Jeff: Oh, yeah? Well, now this is gonna happen: [ music sting, as Jeff and Kevin begin lightly punching one another within their confined proximity ]

Kevin: Come on, man, this is ridiculous!

Kendra: No! No, you'll kill him! [ squeezes next to Jeff to pull him back ]

Jeff: You're lucky she's holding me back, Kevin! [ rotates his body to face Kendra ] How long has this been going on?

Kendra: [ unashamed ] Since yesterday afternoon. It started right after we passed the Curl's seduction zone.

Jeff: So it happened.. on this submarine?

Kendra: Yes.

Jeff: This incredibly small submarine?

Kendra: [ annoyed ] Yes, it happened on this submarine! Is that so hard to believe?

Jeff: Yeah, actually, it's impossible to believe. We can barely move!

Kendra: Well, it happened! Okay? Love happens! Last night after you fell asleep, we stayed up for hours talking about our families, listening to music, playing Charades --

Jeff: Charades?

Kendra: Yes!

Jeff: In here?

Kendra: Yes, yes, we're very good at Charades, okay?

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Kendra: Anyway, we had a few bottles of wine, Kevin played me a few of his songs on his guitar. We danced and danced for what seemed like hours. And before I knew what was happening, we were making love.

[ Kendra and Kevin stretch out their arms to hold hands in front of Jeff ]

Kevin: I'm really sorry, Jeff.

Jeff: You know what? I'm not really mad any more, Kevin! I'm more kind of wondering how I literaly can't even scratch my own butt, but you managed to bring a guitar in here and have sex with my wife? Actually, I wish I had been awake, because I honestly just want to see how it's all possible.

Kendra: Kevin, will you give us a second?

Kevin: Sure. [ he rotates his body to face away from Jeff and Kendra ]

Kendra: [ to Jeff ] Why can't you just be happy for us?

Jeff: It's not that I'm not happy, it's more that, when I even get a hint of a boner, it sends a shooting pain through my pelvis, yet you guys were able to fully get it on, apparently from opposite sides of the submarine - that just interests me as a scientist.

Kendra: Good! Fine! Well, then, there's something else I need to tell you.

[ suddenly, Drake the intern, who for some strange reason is naked, props himself up on top of the trio ]

Drake: Oh, hey, guys, what's up? Oh, Jeff, you're awake.

Jeff: Drake the intern?

Kendra: Yes. We've been including Drake the intern in on our lovemaking.

Drake: Sorry, Dr. Beregundian. It just sorta happened.

Jeff: Drake, this sub is only designed for three people.

Kendra: [ peeved by Jeff's scientific explanations ] Yeah, well, life isn't designed for only three people!

Jeff: You're probably right.. you're probably right. [ a beat ] But this submarine definitely is! It's incredibly dangerous to have more than three people in here. But, anyway, is there anything else you guys want to tell me?

Drake: We're out of food?

Jeff: Ohhh, you three!

[ freezeframe on the scene, as the image zooms out to appear on a newspaper with the headline: "Four Oceanographers Missing, Presumed Drowned" ]

[ Music Out: "I want to live in a bathysphere.." ]

[ fade ]

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