Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10




05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

My Super Sweet 16

Crystal.....Scarlett Johansson
Dad.....Chris Parnell
Mom.....Rachel Dratch
Sabrina.....Amy Poehler
Girl.....Kristin Wiig

[Hilary Duff’s Sweet Sixteen plays, and you see the Super Sweet Sixteen logo appears over a Louis Vuitton-like background]

Crystal: My name’s Crystal. I’m rich and beautiful, and I’m finally 16. This is going to be the awesomest party ever!

[Hilary Duff’s Sweet Sixteen plays as Crystal texts and talks on her phone, throws money around with her best friend Sabrina, takes Sabrina’s present and sets it on the bed, and throws a shirt across the room.]

[open in on Crystal and parents in the living room]

Crystal: Listen up Mom and Dad, you know how much I love you. This is what I want at my party. A thousand people, alcohol, lasers, and perfection. This is what I hate. Nerds, parents, fat girls, and drama.

Dad: Honey, you’re our special princess, and this is your special day. Whatever you want, we’ll get it.

Mom: Ooh, I know. Maybe you could have a costume party.

Mom and Dad: Ooooh…

Crystal: Mom, I wish you could see how ugly you look right now, gimme a thousand dollars.

[opens in on mom]

Mom: We made an agreement. Every time I say something stupid, I have to give Crystal a thousand dollars. And… she’s right, sometimes I can be such a loser.

[open back in on the living room]

Crystal: I need to make the perfect entrance. I want to ride in on an elephant. No, a tiger. No, Shaquille O’Neal. No, Shaquille O’Neal on a tiger.

Mom: Whatever you want, honey.

[Sabrina walks in with a dull expression on her face which doesn’t change for the entire sketch.]

Sabrina: Hey, Crystal. Oh my God, you look so beautiful and rich.

Crystal: Oh my God, what are you wearing, you look like a disgusting homeless person.

Sabrina: Sorry Crystal, I was up all night putting rhinestones on the V.I.P. bracelets. [long pause] DON’T DISINVITE ME!

Crystal: What? That’s okay, you’re my best friend.

Sabrina: Okay, awesome.

Crystal: But seriously, if you wear that outfit, I’ll vomit in your face.

Sabrina: I get it.

[opens in on Sabrina]

Sabrina: I’m like Crystal’s best friend in the whole world. I mean, she won’t make eye contact with me, and she says my face looks like scrambled eggs. But she did let me give her ex-boyfriend a * beep *. (shrugs). No exaggeration, for real, Crystal’s, like, sweet 16 is, like, gonna be like, the greatest event in, like, the history of the universe. I mean, bigger than the MTV Movie Awards!

[open in on living room with Crystal and Sabrina on the couch. Crystal is looking in a mirror.]

Sabrina: I went on Myspace and, like, everybody’s talking about your party.

Crystal: We’ve rented out the St. Louis Arch, if you don’t have an invitation, you can’t even look at it or you’ll get arrested.

Sabrina: Wow, that’s so cool, you’re so pretty.

[parents come in]

Crystal: And we hired Hilary and Haylie Duff to sing “Our Lips Are Sealed” at my party!

Dad: Yes we did, for the very reasonable price of 2 million dollars.

Crystal: God, Dad, you are stressing me out. Can’t you just pay for everything and leave?

Mom: She’s right dear, she’s a 16 year old woman and she deserves our respect.

Crystal: I swear to God, Mom, I want to punch you in the face.

[close up on Mom, who is innocently looking around]

[open in on Crystal lounging on her bed with her cell phone]

Crystal: I am turning 16. I mean, this is literally the most important day in the world. I mean, I’m 16, like, I have opinions, I think thoughts, I can text “VOTE” on American Idol without permission. And if my Sweet Sixteen isn’t perfect, I will literally set my parents on fire.

[opens in on Crystal’s dad]

Dad: I can’t believe it’s time for her Sweet Sixteen already. I had to sell my entire business, take out three extra mortgages, and then I had to…smuggle a nuclear warhead into Cambodia, but it’s all worth it. Just to see Crystal smile.

[open in on words “it’s party time!” over the same Louis Vuitton-like background]

[open in on dance floor, where Sabrina is dancing with a guy]

Sabrina: Oh my God, you guys, here she is.

[Crystal walks in like a model]

People at Party: Whoo!

Sabrina: Crystal, you look so amazing and so wealthy.

Crystal: Oh my God, what are you doing in here? I need you outside telling people they can’t get in!

[Sabrina walks out]

[parents come in]

Dad: Oh, look at my special girl.

Crystal: Oh my God, I told you guys to wait in the car!

Mom: Oh, speaking of cars, we have a surprise!

Dad: We bought you a brand-new Land Rover! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Crystal: Oh my God, a Land Rover? I said I wanted a Range Rover! Throw that hideous poor-person’s car in the trash! I am leaving!

Mom: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait! You’ll miss the special musical guest!

Crystal: Oh my God, Hilary and Haylie Duff are here? Okay, love you for five more minutes. (starts dancing with Mom)

Dad: We couldn’t get the Duff sisters to sing “Our Lips Are Sealed”, so we got the original band, The Go-Go’s!

Crystal: Oh my God, the Go-Go’s? You actually got the Go-Go’s? They’re ANCIENT! I’m going to suffocate from their old-person smell! I swear to God, this party is literally worse than the Holocaust!

[mom looks around, confused, then Crystal dramatically flees.]

[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on]

Announcer: And next up, on My Super Sweet 16.

Girl: Daddy, why won’t Shakira wrestle an alligator? She’s acting like a total immigrant! [slams onto the couch, having a temper tantrum]

[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on and Hilary Duff sings, “Sweet Sixteen”]


Submitted by: Sophie


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