Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10




05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Mr. Willoughby

Written by: Tina Fey

Rose.....Rachel Dratch
First Sister.....Tina Fey
Second Sister.....Scarlett Johansson

[open on title screen: "Focus Features"]

Voice Over: Focus Features, in association with Studio Canal [dissolve to title screen: "Studio Canal"], presents the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby. [dissolve to title screen: "Mr. Willoughby"]

[dissolve to parlor of upper-class home with two young women in Victorian dress as a third enters]

Rose: [entering and rushing to the window] I thought I heard a carriage! Mr. Willoughby should be arriving any moment!

First Sister: Will he be staying for tea?

Second Sister: Mother says he's looking for a bride.

Rose: [she comes up behind her sisters and hugs their shoulders] I wish we could all marry Mr. Willoughby, for we are like an clump [sic] of cherries that cannot be separated.

First Sister: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nutmeats.

Rose: [gasps] And I shall play the pianoforte! [frolics towards the piano and sits on the bench]

Second Sister: And I shall sing him a fine contralto. [she gestures to First Sister, and they both join Rose by the piano]

All Three: [singing] I met a girl from Ashby; her hair was chestnut brown.

Rose: [gasps and leaps up from the bench] Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheek.

Second Sister: And the thickest orange hair.

Rose: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats.

[Second Sister and First Sister promenade across the parlor]

Second Sister: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes.

Rose: One for winter...

First Sister: And one for funerals!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles.

First Sister: Mr. Willoughby's nose looks as if it's been dipped in poppyseeds.

Rose: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn.

First Sister: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one.

Second Sister: His eyes are ever so piercing: one, brown; the other, milky white.

All Three: [joining hands and skipping in a circle] Mr. Willoughby reeks of urine! [with long "i" in "urine"]

[dissolve to stock footage of the countryside]

Voice Over: Three sisters, hoping for love. The love of a man named Willoughby. In this, Jane Austen's final and only half-finished work.

[dissolve to parlor, where the first sister sits by the window as Rose and her other sister play at cards]

First Sister: I saw him Sunday last at church, and he waved at me with his crooked, yellow fingers.

Rose: He lingers after every service to offer fellowship to the boys' choir. [gasps] Rumples! [sets down her cards, as does her sister]

Second Sister: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear.

Rose: I purloined his blood-stained snuff rag, and I keep it in my Bible.

First Sister: Rose, you dare not!

Rose: In the pages about Delilah!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: He's the most eligible bachelor in all of Upper Cornholeshire.

First Sister: Some say he's a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!

Rose: Some say he's ill tempered, but I say he's just mean!

Second Sister: They said his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard.

First Sister: Some say, at night he roams the field, performing lewdnesses on the livestock, but I believe it!

Rose: Some say Mr. Willoughby isn't a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on.

All Three: [laughing] I shall marry him, nonetheless! [they join hands and dance in a circle as period music plays]

[title: "Mr. Willoughby"]

Voice Over: Mr. Willoughby, coming soon to a tiny, depressing theater near you.

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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