Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11





05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Fairmont Suites Inn

Rick.....Peter Sarsgaard
Barb.....Rachel Dratch

[ open on dark hotel room, as Rick, a business man on a business trip, enters. The TV is on before he enters, playing the annoying promotional "Welcome to Fairmont Suites Inn" video. Rick turns on the lights and puts down his luggage. ]

[ a close-up of the video shows Barb Gavin of Hospitality speaking in a chipper, upbeat tone guaranteed to irritate a weary traveler ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport. To watch TV, hit "TV" now. [ a graphic of the remote control appears in her upper corner ] To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as "Skeleton Key," "Monster-in-Law," and "Are We There Yet?", select the "Movies" button on your remote - now!

[ Rick attempts to turn the TV off manually, but nothing happens. He searches the drawer and other areas throughout the room for the remote. ]

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us. While you're here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples! Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick sits on the bed and dials the number for the front desk ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Rick: Hey, I can't find my TV remote? [ he's placed on hold ]

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance? Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night 'til nine. Wow! Look at those shrimp!

[ Rick sits on hold, as he waits for someone at the front desk to take his call ]

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator.

Rick: Yeah. Okay, well, if you can find one, can you send it up? That'd be great. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, "What are you looking for? Great! We've got that!"

Rick: Unless it's a remote.

[ the spiel begins anew, as Rick removes his jacket and attempts to lie down across the bed ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located --

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is 9:21. ]

[ dissolve to the TV, as the advertisement starts over. It appears to be some time later in the evening. ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood --

Rick: [ wakes up from his nap ] Oh, thanks, Barb..!

Barb (on TV): -- Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: [ sarcastically ] That's good to know.

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit "TV" now.

Rick: Yeah, don't rub it in, Barb.

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as "Skeleton Key," "Monster-in-Law," and "Are We There Yet?" --

Rick: Oh! And porn, too, Barb. Don't forget there's porn in there!

Barb (on TV): -- select the "Movies" button on your remote - now! Your enjoyment is important to us.

Traveler: You're a liar, Barb!

Barb (on TV): While you're here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples!

[ Rick jumps to his feet and jiggles the TV, hoping to be able to turn it off ]

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business?

Rick: [ exhausted ] Come on..

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick slaps the top of the TV set, as the picture accidentally disappears. He reaches around to the back of the TV to pull the wires, as Barb continues to deliver her pitch. ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun..? [ Rachel Dratch begins to crack-up from off-screen ]

[ Peter Sarsgaard also begins to crack-up just a bit ]

Rick: Yeah, dial-up internet! Is it 1994 already?

Barb (on TV): Try our Caliente Club Lounge..! [ trying to stifle her laughter ] For drinks and appetizers..!

Rick: Yeah, I really am!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: [ still trying to control his laughter ] Only in my women!

[ the image has now returned to the TV screen, and Rachel Dratch is laughing so hard that she's on the verge of tears ]

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night 'til nine!

Rick: Yeahh, it's closed, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Wow!! Look at those shrimp!!

Rick: That is just rude, and you know it!

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator!

Rick: Fine! Don't yell at me.

[ Rick retreats to his bed, as the top of a Stagehand's head can be seen creeping across the bottom of the screen ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, "What are you looking for?" [ she pauses in wait of his response ]

Rick: Shrimp! Porn! And an elevator!

[ Peter Sarsgaard shamelessly laughs out loud, knowing the next line of the spiel ]

Barb (on TV): "Great! We've got that!"

Rick: No, you don't, Barb! [ Peter releases his laughter, knowing it's not going to stop ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn..! [ laughs ] St. Louis-Hazelwood.

Rick: Yeah. [ stands up and walks back to the TV ]

Barb (on TV): [ starts over ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn -- Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn! St. Louis-Hazelwood!

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is now 1:13. ]

[ cut back to Barb on the TV, purportedly later in the night. A "Video 1" tag mysteriously appears at the top left of the screen. ]

Barb (on TV): [ Rick mimics her spiel as she speaks ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70 --

Rick: Yeah! How many minutes does it take me to get to the airport?

Barb (on TV): Just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: Fan-tastic! That's terrific news!

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit "TV" now.

Rick: Sure! [ throws his shoe at the TV screen ]

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits --

Rick: Hey, Barb! What do your tattoos say?

Barb (on TV): "Skeleton Key," "Monster-in-Law," and "Are We There Yet?".. select the "Movies" button on your remote - now!

Rick: Baaarb, I think I'm falling in love with you, do you love me?

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us --

Rick: Name three things I might find in your blood.

Barb (on TV): -- now with free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples!

Rick: You're a dirty bird, Barb, aren't you?

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

Rick: I'm sorry, Barb. Hey - where can I meet a morbidly obese single mother of mixed race?

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Traveler: I crave human blood, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: Nooo! Human blood!

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night 'til nine.

Rick: What did you say to your husband on your wedding night, Barb?

[ back on the TV screen, a strange series of numbers - "1080i59.94" appears across the top of the over Barb's head ]

Barb (on TV): Wow! Look at those shrimp!

Rick: Oh. That must have been painful for you.

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and --

Rick: Yeah, well, what's the best way to avoid AIDS?

Barb (on TV): -- never use an elevator. [ Rick mimicks her again at this point ] Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say --

Together: "What are you looking for? Great! We've got that!" / "Do you want to kill yourself?! Great! We can help!"

[ sitting at the edge of the bed, Rick wearily lowers his head across his knees. Another Stagehand's head appears at the bottom left of the screen, to place the remote at the foot of the bed. Rick finally discovers the remote on the floor, picks it up and laughs joyously. He presses a button and turns the TV off. He seems relieved as he curls himself across the bed, but he can't seem to get Barb off his mind, and, thus, flips the TV back on to watch her. ]

Rick: Dammit, Barb, I need you!

Barb (on TV): -- free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples! I need you, too, Rick!

Rick: [ amazed ] What..?

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick moves closer to the TV and prepares to kiss Barb through the screen. Rachel Dratch moves in ahead of cue, as she and Peter licks their tongues across the screen. ]

[ fade ]


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