Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11





05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

National Security Agency

Helen.....Amy Poehler
Peg.....Rachel Dratch
NSA Agent.....Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent.....Jason Sudeikis

[open on seal of the National Security Agency, with inspiring percussion music and scrolling title of voice over]

Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.

[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call]

[the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]

Helen: Hello?

Peg: Helen, it's Peg.

Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?

Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that's the best I can expect these days.

Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?

Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?

Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.

[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]

Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?

Helen: Well, Peg, it's quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he's moving to Dallas.

Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?

[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]

Helen: I know. Now we'll never see the grandkids.

Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don't ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.

[the NSA agent's panel reopens and he listens intently]

Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?

Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They're just evil!

[the NSA agent beckons to a second agent ]

Helen: Well, they're family, Peg.

Peg: Oh, don't get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I'm gonna support them, send them money when they need it.

Helen: How old are they now?

Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.

[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]

Helen: Mmm, adorable.

Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?

Helen: Nine, eleven.

[the NSA agent's panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing "nine eleven"]

Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.

Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?

[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]

Peg: Oh, he's good. Ooh! I know I shouldn't be doing this, but since you're my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.

[the NSA agent's panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]

Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?

Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?

Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.

Peg: Oh, what did you see?

Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.

Peg: Oh! Yeah, I've heard of this. What's it called?

Helen: Oh, it's, uh, oh, what is it?

Peg: Something on the Range?

Helen: No, no, Mountain something.

Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.

Helen: Yeah, mountain...no, that's not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?

Peg: No, that's not it.

NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it's Brokeback Mountain!

Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that's it.

Helen: That is it.

Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.

Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!

Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.

Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?

[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]

Peg: Who knows?

Helen: Well, I'll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.

Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?

Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let's go over the plans one last time.

Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand...

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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