Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

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In Association with

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Pirate Convention

Red Beard Pete.....Will Forte
Ted.....Fred Armisen
Arthur.....Jason Sudeikis
Dinkins.....Andy Sandberg
Bartholomew.....Horatio Sanz
Pirate 1.....Bill Hader
Pirate 2.....Chris Parnell
.....Peter Sarsgaard

(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to an activities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah 4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention. Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated with pirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. A group of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirate attire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wild hair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parrot on his shoulder, he is at the podium)

Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down, settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourth annual pirate convention. I be your moderator Red Beard Pete. We first like to thank the good people of the Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Not out first choice but there was no vacancy at our favorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.

All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!

Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcome my first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.

(Dinkins steps up to the podium)

Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!

Arthur: AHOY!


Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Dinkins: Ted!

Ted: Here.

Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we donīt need a roll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking a location for next yearīs convention. Any ideas?

Bartholomew: AR-R-R-R-R-RKANSAS!!

Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?


Red Beard Pete: Nice one.

Dinkins: Boston.

Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.

Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when we arrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THE HAR-R-RVAR-R-R-RD YA-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time to bring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will be pleased. Dinkins do the honors.

Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stage sta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!

All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)

Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!

Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.

Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well itīs an honor to be here. I donīt know a lot about pirate culture but when my agent told me about this convention I immediately said yes. Iīm always up for experiencing new things so I hope to learn as much from you guys as you may from me.

Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will be having a question for Sarsgaard?

Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film "The Wedding Crashers" was rated?

Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I think there was some nudity so maybe it was rated "R"?

All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!

Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over the years. Have ye ever worked with cross dressing Corporal Klinger from "MASH"?

Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?

All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: No, Iīve never worked with him.

Arthur: Ok.

Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site to see people make love to barnyard animals?

Peter Sarsgaard: I donīt know. Umm, maybe

Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinking loveinthebarnyard.or-r-r-r-r-r-rg!!

All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!

Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the name of that first one again?

Peter Sarsgaard: Itīs

Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.

Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain that specializes in roast beef sandwiches?

Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arbyīs?

All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBYīS!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I see whatīs going on here. You guys donīt know anything about me do you? The only reason you have me here is because my name has a bunch of "R" sounds in it.

Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Really?

Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing Iīve done.(Low murmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!

Red Beard Pete: Well, umm...why donīt you name some stuff youīve done?

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about "Jarhead"?

All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, "Garden State"?

All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: "Boys donīt Cry"?

All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)

Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology. The only reason we brought you here is because youīre Sarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number. Provided by your truly and Dinkins.

(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with the other pirates)

Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joins in)H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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