05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes
Red Beard Pete.....Will Forte
Pirate 1.....Bill Hader
Pirate 2.....Chris Parnell
(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to an
activities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah
4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention.
Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated with
pirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. A
group of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirate
attire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wild
hair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parrot
on his shoulder, he is at the podium)
Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down,
settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourth
annual pirate convention. I be your moderator Red
Beard Pete. We first like to thank the good people of
the Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Not
out first choice but there was no vacancy at our
favorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.
All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!
Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcome
my first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.
(Dinkins steps up to the podium)
Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!
Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!
Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we donīt need a
roll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking a
location for next yearīs convention. Any ideas?
Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?
Pirate 1: MADAGASCAR-R-R-R-R-R!
Red Beard Pete: Nice one.
Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.
Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when we
arrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THE
All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time to
bring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will be
pleased. Dinkins do the honors.
Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stage
sta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!
All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!
(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)
Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!
Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.
Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.
Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well itīs an honor to be here. I
donīt know a lot about pirate culture but when my
agent told me about this convention I immediately said
yes. Iīm always up for experiencing new things so I
hope to learn as much from you guys as you may from
Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will be
having a question for Sarsgaard?
Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film "The
Wedding Crashers" was rated?
Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I think
there was some nudity so maybe it was rated "R"?
All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!
Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over the
years. Have ye ever worked with cross dressing
Corporal Klinger from "MASH"?
Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?
All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!
Peter Sarsgaard: No, Iīve never worked with him.
Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site to
see people make love to barnyard animals?
Peter Sarsgaard: I donīt know. Umm, maybe animalloveclub.com?
Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinking
All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!
Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the name
of that first one again?
Peter Sarsgaard: Itīs animalloveclub.com.
Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.
Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain that
specializes in roast beef sandwiches?
Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arbyīs?
All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBYīS!!!!
Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I see
whatīs going on here. You guys donīt know anything
about me do you? The only reason you have me here is
because my name has a bunch of "R" sounds in it.
Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!
Peter Sarsgaard: Really?
Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.
Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing Iīve done.(Low
murmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!
Red Beard Pete: Well, umm...why donīt you name some
stuff youīve done?
Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about "Jarhead"?
All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!
Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, "Garden State"?
All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!
Peter Sarsgaard: "Boys donīt Cry"?
All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)
Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology.
The only reason we brought you here is because youīre
Sarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number.
Provided by your truly and Dinkins.
(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with the
Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joins
(Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel