Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:


February 4th, 2006

Steve Martin

Prince

None

Kelly Ripa

Alec Baldwin

Michael Anthony

Lorne Michaels

Jimmy Fallon

Scarlett Johansson

Brian Williams

Gideon Yago

Conan O'Brien

Tamar

Liz Cackowski

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: While initiating an affair with Kelly Ripa, Steve Martin pop a Viagra pill and learns that Alec Baldwin is hosting "SNL" tonight and will tie his record. Thus begins the short film, "The Sabotage of Baldwin", as Steve - whose Viagra clock is ticking - rushes to Studio 8-H to defend his title, even if that means knocking Lorne Michaels out cold and dropping Alec's body to the ice skating rink seven floors below.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Maya Rudolph finally returns to the show following her maternity leave.

Note: Paula Pell officially returns to the writing staff after the sitcom "Thick & Thin" fails to get picked up as a midseason replacement.


Steve Martin's Monologue
Summary: Now hosting SNL for the 14th time, Steve reflects back on an amusing incident from the first episode he hosted, if he could only remember when that was. He also shows off supposed photos of the original cast, then announces Maya Rudolph's return to the show.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript


A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart
Summary: Not only is the little bear holding a heart available just about anywhere in the world, but, when used as a gift, it also shows that a man has put a lot of thought into his woman's Valentine's Day gift.

Transcript


Oprah
Summary: A similar scandal breaks out on oprah Winfrey's (Maya Rudolph) show when Stone Freeman (Steve Martin), author of "Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean", is revealed to have written false memoirs.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Transcript


Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford
Summary: Buy the author's (Chris Parnell) new book, and you'll never go into debt by buying useless merchandise again.

Transcript


Hamas Celebration Party
Summary: Steve Martin finds himself in the middle of a publicity conflict when he unknowingly agrees to perform stand-up at a Hamas rally, where the Hamas officials (Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers, Bill Hader) have mistaken him for an anti-Semite. But a gig's a gig, and Steve is under contract to promote "The Pink Panther" through any means necessary.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Gary (Steve Martin) runs into his old friend, Ben (Will Forte), and the two engage in an up-close, face-to-face conversation in a short film titled "Close Talkers."

Note: Though Will Forte's character is referred to as "Ben" throughout the short film, Steve Martin's character calls him "Tim" at the very beginning.

Transcript


Quick Zoom Theatre
Summary: The intensity of a dramatic scene is heightened by frequent quick zooms.

Transcript


Prince performs "A Woman Scorned"
First Performed: 80k.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Note: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler present the news alone, with no guest commentaries.


Super Bowl XL Rehearsals
Summary: Musical performers Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz), Aretha Franklin (Kenan Thompson) and Dr. John (Jason Sudeikis) are more interested in eating than rehearsing their numbers for the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin.

Transcript


Lorne's Office
Summary: Steve Martin rushes into Lorne Michael's to tell him the buzz is that the ratings are through the roof, so he'd like more money for his hosting gig. Lorne won't renegotiate, but will be happy to let the recovering Alec Baldwin or Jimmy Fallon assume Steve's duties.

Transcript


Prince Show
Summary: Prince (Fred Armisen) behaves in his usual eccentric way while welcoming his personal chef (Steve Martin) and Drew Barrymore (Kristin Wiig) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Drew Barrymore.

Note: Despite having the perfect opportunity when Fred Armisen mimed in front of the mirror, the real Prince did not make an appearance in the sketch.


State of the Galaxy 2145
Summary: A glimpse to the year 2145 reveals that little has changed; on the contrary, things are just more intense: President George Q. Bush (Will Forte) talks about the sun's dwindling energy supply during his State of the Galaxy address, and the new Category 5 levees in New Orleans are no match for a Category 12 hurricane battering the Gulf Coast.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Chris Matthews.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In "Tangent", a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date endlessly rambles on about the minutiae of his life, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. Throughout his spiel, he's discovered by a casting agent (Bill Hader), stars in a movie with Scarlett Johansson, hits the talk show circuit, and is eventually dumped back where he was found when his rambling finally annoys his manager (Chris Parnell).

Note: This digital short originally appeared in the dress rehearsals for episodes hosted by Scarlett Johansson and Peter Sarsgaard.

Transcript


Surfers
Summary: Young surfers try to give the hint that middle-aged ? ? (Steve Martin) is not welcome in their group, but he just can't seem to take a hint.

Transcript


Prince, featuring Tamar, performs "Beautiful Love (3121)"


Naturally Crafting
Summary: Natural crafter Midge Harzinger (Rachel Dratch) makes it clear that she wants her guest, craftsman Jack Patrick (Steve Martin), to spend the night during a blizzard.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Monet's Haystacks
Summary: Claude Monet's (Bill Hader) agent (Steve Martin) advises that he should paint other masterpieces besides haystacks.


Dad Jokes
Summary: Dad's (Steve Martin) lamest jokes are all available in this new book.


Bank Loan
Summary: A drunk couple (Steve Martin, Amy Poehler) try to get approved for a bankloan.



SNL Transcripts