Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12




05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Hamas Celebration Party

.....Steve Martin
Hamas Leader #1.....Fred Armisen
Hamas Leader #2.....Bill Hader
Hamas Leader #3.....Seth Meyers

[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]

Steve Martin: No, no, no, I’ll be home by morning. I’m just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I don’t know, some corporation, I don’t know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.

[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]

Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!

[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]

Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!

Steve Martin: Hamas?

Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I can’t believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which< I have to say, we were totally surprised.

Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!

Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!

Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!

Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Y’know, I didn’t realize that’s what tonight’s event was about; I’m not sure if I’m the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.

Hamas Leader #1: Don’t be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, “The Jerk,” uh, “The Man with Two Brains”, uh…

Hamas Leader #3: “The Muppet Movie!”

Steve Martin: Well, I’ve been in dozens of movies since then.

Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far… uh, but the previews for “My Blue Heaven” look hilarious!

Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]

Steve Martin: Thank you, that’s very sweet.

Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!

Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!

Hamas Leader #1: That’s not what we read in Star Magazine!

Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!

Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for “Hamas: A Victory Celebration!”

Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!

Steve Martin: Live on… I didn’t know this was gonna be televised!

Hamas Leader #1: …Yes, yes, of course, that’s why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!

Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?

Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. You’re on after Toby Keith.

Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestine’s largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!

Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; that’s Egyptian, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!

[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]

Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!

Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!

Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!

Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!

Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.

Steve Martin: Yeah, I don’t really do special material, so…

Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, we’ll give you an extra 20,000 dollars.

Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] What’s his name?

Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed…

Steve Martin: Yeah?

Hamas Leader #2: Halach.

Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.

Hamas Leader #1: Eh.

Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.

Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, we’re going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Do you need anything?

Hamas Leader #1: Tabbouleh, uh, figs, dirty water?

Steve Martin: No, I’m good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, “star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere?” Is that too weird? Is that okay?

Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.

Hamas Leader #1: You’re the best, Steve Martin!

Hamas Leader #2: [imitating Steve’s trademark line] Excu-u-u-u-use me!

[The three laugh]

Hamas Leader #3: We’re so happy!

[They leave]

Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote “Pink Panther.” What would the studio want?

[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]

V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English]… heeeeeere’s Steve Martin!

[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]

Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!

[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]

Steve Martin: Thank you… You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and… [crowd goes wild again]

[Fade out]


Submitted by: Carolyn Brown


[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]


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