Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12









05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short

.....Steve Martin
.....Kelly Ripa
Jimmy.....Michael Anthony
.....Alec Baldwin
.....Andy Samberg
.....Lorne Michaels

[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine's with Kelly Ripa ]

Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous' have worked out pretty well.

Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.

Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?

Kelly Ripa: I don't know. I've never cheated ob my husband before.

Steve Martin: They don't mind.

Kelly Ripa: So you've been telling me.

Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]

Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?

Steve Martin: With me - fifteen, twenty minutes.

Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.

[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]

Kelly Ripa: I'm really flattered you're even out tonight.

Steve Martin: And why is that?

Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting "Saturday Night Live" tonight, and he's going to tie your record.

[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve's face ]

[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine's and into the street ]

Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]

[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]

Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight's the night you tie Steve Martin's record for hosting.

Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it's not really about that.

Jimmy: I'll go get your sock garters.

Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It's your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.

[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]

[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]

[ cut back to Alec's dressing room ]

Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.

[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]

[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec's body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio's halls ]

Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.

Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?

Steve Martin: Only if they need me.

[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: We can't find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.

[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]

[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]

Steve Martin: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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