Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12




05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Quick Zoom Theater

Host.....Chris Parnell
Mr. Billings-Stevens.....Fred Armisen
Dr. Perkins.....Steve Martin
Nurse Veronica.....Maya Rudolph
Doctor.....Kenan Thompson

[open on a director's chair in a backstage setting, with title: "Quick Zoom Theater"]

Host: Hello! Welcome to "Quick Zoom Theater." Brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. [dissolve to product screen with title: "Canon Ultra Zoom"] Canon Ultra Zoom: bringing life closer. [dissolve to backstage] Tonight's episode: "The Check Up."

[dissolve to a doctor's office, with patient and doctor]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: So how does it look, Doctor? Am I [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] okay?

Dr. Perkins: Well, Mr. Billings-Stevens, I've looked over your test results, and [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] everything's fine.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: That's great.

Dr. Perkins: Well, as far as I'm concerned, [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] you're free to go.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Okay, then. Thank you.

[a nurse rushes in]

Veronica: Dr. Perkins! Dr. Perkins! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] Your two-thirty is here.

Dr. Perkins: Oh, thank you, Veronica. I'll be right there.

[Veronica exits]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Wait. [bends and picks up an object] Is this [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] your pen? [holds up a pen]

Dr. Perkins: No. By the way, how was that cookout? Did you have any [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish?

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Well, as a matter of fact, we did have some [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish.

Dr. Perkins: Well, I'm sorry I missed [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] it.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Yeah, well, uh, maybe next time.

[a second doctor knocks and enters]

Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom on the frame of the door] Uh, some of us are going to Applebee's after our shift. [he leans over to put his face into the zoom area] Do you want to come?

Dr. Perkins: Well, that sounds nice. Did you ask Veronica?

Doctor: Oh, not yet; I'll do that now.

Dr. Perkins: Well, great. Thanks a lot. [dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] [the doctor has nothing further to say]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: I love Applebee's. So, anyway, be sure to tell your wife I said [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] hello.

Dr. Perkins: Why don't you tell her? After all, she's carrying your baby.

[no quick zoom occurs, so the doctor rushes up to the camera and then rushes back]

[dissolve to backstage]

Host: This has been "Quick Zoom Theater," brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. Canon Ultra Zoom. [he holds up the camera] It's [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] a camera.


Submitted by: DavidK93


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