Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:

March 4th, 2006 Natalie Portman Fall Out Boy None Dennis Haysbert

A Message From the President of the United States

Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) addresses the public on issues of secret White House activity and Vice-President Dick Cheney's (Darrell Hammond) hunting accident. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney. Transcript

Montage

Natalie Portman's Monologue

Summary: Natalie Portman tackles questions raised by "Star Wars" nerds in the audience. Note: Portman's microphone. Bio: Natalie Portman (1981-). Jerusalem-born actress; best known for her role as Queen Amidala in the "Star Wars" prequel trilogy; had to shave her head for key scenes in the upcoming film "V For Vendetta" (2006). Transcript

Nelson Baby Toupees

Summary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies. Note: Repeat from 01/21/06.

Jamba Juice

Summary: The overpsyched Jamba Juice employees (Natalie Portman, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz), who have ingested excessive amounts of their own high-energy protein drinks, can't stop themselves from offering free boost supplements to their customers. Note: Seth Meyers and Horatio Sanz have to stifle their laughter towards the end of the sketch. Transcript

Larry King Live

Summary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews a group of transgendered people who are in the middle of their sex change procedures. Recurring Characters: Larry King, Felicity Huffman. Transcript

The Needlers

Summary: Argumentive Dan (Seth Meyers) and Sally Needler (Amy Poehler) seek help from a fertility doctor (Natalie Portman) so they can have a baby rather than examine the issue of their troubled marriage. Recurring Characters: Dan Needler, Sally Needler. Transcript

TV Funhouse

Summary: Celebrating a belated Black History moment, actor Dennis Haysbert shows clips from all-black kids' cartoons that failed to make an impact during the 1990's. Bio: Dennis Haysbert (1954-). Actor; portrayed President David Palmer on "24", 2002-06; currently stars as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane on "The Unit"; official spokesman for Allstate Insurance. Transcript

Artsy Apartment

Summary: Nuni (Natalie Portman) brings her college boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) home to meet her parents, Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph). Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato. Transcript

Fall Out Boy performs "Dance Dance"

Bio: American emo/pop punk band; name taken from a lesser known character on "The Simpsons" -- Fallout Boy, the sidekick of 50's superhero Radioactive Man -- at the suggestion of an audience member of one of their earliest performances; members: Patrick Stump (lead singer, guitar), Pete Wentz (bass), Joe Trohman (guitar) and Andy Hurley (drums).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

Summary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) disguises himself as Martha Stewart in order to pump his own ego over their "Apprentice" feud. Olympic contender Sasha Cohen (Natalie Portman) attempts to tell a couple of jokes. Kenan Thompson introduces a new line of clothing that targets black men in drag, ball pouch and all. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Sheldon's Bar Mitzvah

Summary: Now a man, Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) watches his short-term ex-girlfriend (Natalie Portman) make out with his friend (Andy Samberg), while Megan (Maya Rudolph) dreams of being Mrs. Adam Levine. Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon. Transcript

An SNL Digital Short

Summary: Between an interview with Chris Parnell, Natalie Portman raps about her real identity. Transcript

Fall Out Boy performs "Sugar, We're Going Down"

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000

Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80's! Note: Repeat from 10/29/05.

Goodnights

Transcript

Introverts' Night Out

Summary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Natalie Portman) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar's social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome. Note: This sketch makes it to air next month in an episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

prisonmates.net

Summary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren't afraid to commit - because they're unable not to. Note: This will make it to air in next week's episode.