Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13







05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers ] As you may know, I have just returned from a long - and successful - trip to India and Pakistan. I also made a surprise visit to Afghanistan - which no one knew about - until I did it. Of course, I knew about the surprise the whole time - but I never let on. I got in and out before most of the Afghans even knew I was there. Which is unfortunate, because I'm sure if most of them knew I was there, they'd would have wanted to thank me for fixing their country. You're welcome!

From Afghanistan, I traveled to India, to discuss a major historic nu-cu-lar agreement with the Indians. And, from there, on to Pakistan, where it is widely believed Osama bin Laden is hiding. I had things to discuss with my good friend, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf. But I also wanted Osama to know something: I'm ready. Any time. Your turf.. or mine. I'll be waiting.. Texas style!

But I'm here tonight to talk about what's happening at home, you know? There seems to be a trend out there to find fault with this administration. You know? Myself, in particular, for just about everything, you know? It's, uh - it's just not fair. With Katrina, I already admitted I messed that one up! Yuo know? We all know, in the days after the hurricane, I said I wasn't warned about how bad the hurricane might be, and.. now there's a tape showing you that I was warned! Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, he warned me. You'll see it if you watch it. But.. do you also remember when I said, "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job!" Everyone had a good laugh at that, but it turns out Brownie was doing a heckuva job! And he did warn me! You know? So, who's got the last laugh now, huh? The main thing to remember here is: it's been six months, and there hasn't been another hurrircane! The hurricanes are on the run.

Now, the security of our nation's ports. This is an important issue, you know? And I think you should know there's a good reason we were willing to grant control of so many ports to a company in Dubai, which may or may not have ties to terrorist organizations. It's, uh.. it's simple, you know? They outbid the North Koreans.

Now, uh, what about our trade deficit? [ pouts ] I'm getting blamed for this one, too! Huh? Aparently, it's the worst in history. You know, we're roughly $7 billion in debt. Uh, but don't worry, I've got a plan. I've decided to consolidate all of our debt with one of those debt consolidaton companies. That's right. We're gonna go with Ditech. Like me, you've probably seen their commercials late at night on ESPN-2. You know, the ones with the guy who says, "Lost another loan to Ditech!" It's a funny commercial!

My point is this: we're solving problems, not making them! You know? And don't even try to blame the Olympics on us, you know? I understand the Olympics were a big letdown, but this isn't my fault! and, while I'm not one to point fingers, clearly the finger should be pointed at Bode Miller. He was out partying, having a good time, you know, not concentrating. [ a beat ] Been there.

Finally, there, uh, seems to be a misconception that this adminstration has been secretive. You know, we've been accused of being secretive about Iraq, about wiretapping, about Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. I want to be completely open here - he did shoot a man in the face. And, uh, honestly, it happened before. And, for all we know, it's gonna happen again. But, uh.. Dick has something he wants to say. Dick?

[ Dick Cheney relunctantly steps into frame ]

President George W. Bush: Was there, uh, something you want to say?

Dick Cheney: I'm sorry I shot my friend in the face.

President George W. Bush: [ nods ] And, uh, you know.. if you shoot another friend, will you keep it a secret? [ Cheney is silent ] Di-i-ick?

Dick Cheney: No, I will not.. keep it.. a secret.

President George W. Bush: So, Dick, okay, in the spirit of openess that we are embracing, do you have anything else to say?

Dick Cheney: [ hesitant, but finally ] "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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