05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy
An SNL Digital Short
Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg, Natalie Portman
[Scene opens to Natalie Portman being interviewed by Chris Parnell]
Chris Parnell: I’m here with film star Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman: Hello.
Chris Parnell: So Natalie, what is a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?
Natalie Portman: Do you really want to know?
Chris Parnell: Please, tell us.
[Cut to black and white scene, Natalie rapping]
I don’t sleep mother fucker; off that ‘Gnac and that Bourbon
Doin’ 120, gettin’ head while I’m swervin’
[Cut to Seth Myers talking to Natalie]
Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick
[Switch back to Natalie rapping]
Yo. Shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I’m bustin’ dudes mouths like gushers mother fucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker
What you want Natalie?
To drink and fight
What you need Natalie?
To fuck all night
Don’t test when I’m crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat till your shittin’ my shoe
Leave you screamin’, pay for my dry cleanin’
Fuck her man it’s my name that he’s screamin’
[Cut to Seth getting slapped in the face by Natalie, scene switches back to Chris interviewing Natalie]
Chris Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, are we supposed to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Natalie Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Chris Parnell: But what about the kids that look up to you, do you have a message for them?
[Cut to a little girl dressed as Queen Amidala asking for an autograph, Natalie grabs girls notebook and throws it away]
All that kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman mother fucker, I drink till I’m sick
[Natalie breaks bottle on her own head]
Slit your throat, and pump nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die
And all the dudes, you know I’m talkin’ to you
[Scene cuts to a group of guys]
Guys: WE LOVE YOU NATALIE!
I wanna’ fuck you too
‘P’ is for Portman
‘P’ is for pussy
I’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun, so don’t push me
[Switches back to interview]
Chris Parnell: Wow, Natalie I’m surprised all of this from a Harvard graduate.
Natalie Portman: Well, there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Chris Parnell: Really, such as?
[Cuts to Natalie rapping in a cap and gown]
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test
And snorted all the Yay
I got a def posse
You got a bunch of dudes
I’ll sit right there on your face and take a shit
[Cut to Natalie, Andy Samberg enters scene dressed as a Viking]
Natalie you are a badass bitch (Hell Yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleanin’
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, helllp
[Again scene goes back to Chris interviewing Natalie]
Chris Parnell: Okie-dok, Natalie one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it b—
[Natalie takes her chair and throws it at Chris]
Natalie Portman: No more questions.
[Natalie walks away]
Submitted by: Amy Soto