Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 11th, 2006

Matt Dillon

Arctic Monkeys


Paula Pell

Spring Break
Summary: A group of college girls on their way to Spring Break in Cancun gab about the activities they will soon partake of.


Note: When it comes time to announce Arctic Monkeys, Don Pardo completely blanks out.

Matt Dillon's Monologue
Summary: Though Matt Dillon didn't win the Academy Award, he indulges in reading his unused, hate-filled acceptance speech to the audience.

Bio: Matt Dillon (1964-). Actor; 1980's teen idol, who starred in films like "The Outsiders" (1983) and "The Flamingo Kid" (1984); nominated for Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of a racist cop in "Crash" (2005).

Summary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren't afraid to commit - because they're unable not to.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week's episode.


Summary: Barry Bonds (Kenan Thompson) denies steroid use in the midst of scandal.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In "Doppelganger", cast members Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Will Forte scan the park for their dopplegangers while eating lunch outdoors.


Two A-holes at a Travel Agency
Summary: The two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) can't make up their minds where they want to take a trip to.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.


How To Order Sushi Like A CEO
Summary: CEO (Matt Dillon) knows the exact jargon involved in order sushi like a professional, but doesn't seem to be enjoying his lunch.


J.J. Casuals
Summary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: Repeat from 11/12/05.

Joplin: Alive Podcast
Summary: Hosting a podcast from a booth at Bennigan's, Brendan Kern (Jason Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Bill Hader) flirt with waitress (Kristin Wiig) and interview Julian (Andy Samberg), a childhood friend who picks up girls while using a fake French accent.

Note: Although Bill Hader's character is introduced as Lane, for some reason everyone refers to him as Eric throughout the duration of the sketch.

Note: Matt Dillon played Andy Samberg's role in dress rehearsal.


Arctic Monkeys perform "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor"
Bio: Indie rock band; won "Best New Act" at the 2006 Brit Awards; members: Alex Turner (lead vocalist, guitar), Jamie "Cookie" Cook (rhythm guitarist), Andy Nicholson (bass guitar) and Matthew "The Cat" Helders (drummer).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Dubai spokesman Farhad Nsar (Horatio Sanz) drops pop culture references while commenting on President Bush's reneged U.S. ports proposal. Mideast expert Will Forte sings an informative jingle that helps differentiate Shai, Sunnis and Kurds.

TV Land Variety Vault
Summary: A lost television recording from 1961 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Don Knotts (Darrell Hammond), Katharine Hepburn (Kristin Wiig) and Rod Serling (Matt Dillon) breaking the fourth wall.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Katharine Hepburn, Rod Serling.


Inner Harmony Relaxation Tape
Summary: Frank (Matt Dillon) keeps improvising and speaking loudly while recording his part of the voiceover for a relaxation tape.


Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: Yet more personal injury hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Nettie Bo Dance, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Arctic Monkeys perform "A Certain Romance"

DeCicco Brothers Unicornery
Summary: The DeCicco Brothers (Matt Dillon, Bill Hader) sell unicorns in all shapes and sizes to meet every unusual consumer need.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Brain Eaters
Summary: Members of a space crew discuss ideas to prevent aliens from eating their brains.

Tech Pack
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who's having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

Summary: A woman (Rachel Dratch) sings the joys of McDonald's McNuggets.

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Merv the Perv
Summary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) interrupts a women's book club meeting.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

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