Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:

March 11th, 2006 Matt Dillon Arctic Monkeys None Paula Pell

Spring Break

Summary: A group of college girls on their way to Spring Break in Cancun gab about the activities they will soon partake of. Transcript

Montage

Note: When it comes time to announce Arctic Monkeys, Don Pardo completely blanks out.

Matt Dillon's Monologue

Summary: Though Matt Dillon didn't win the Academy Award, he indulges in reading his unused, hate-filled acceptance speech to the audience. Bio: Matt Dillon (1964-). Actor; 1980's teen idol, who starred in films like "The Outsiders" (1983) and "The Flamingo Kid" (1984); nominated for Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of a racist cop in "Crash" (2005). Transcript

prisonmates.net

Summary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren't afraid to commit - because they're unable not to. Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week's episode. Transcript

Sportscenter

Summary: Barry Bonds (Kenan Thompson) denies steroid use in the midst of scandal. Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott. Transcript

An SNL Digital Short

Summary: In "Doppelganger", cast members Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Will Forte scan the park for their dopplegangers while eating lunch outdoors. Transcript

Two A-holes at a Travel Agency

Summary: The two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) can't make up their minds where they want to take a trip to. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript

How To Order Sushi Like A CEO

Summary: CEO (Matt Dillon) knows the exact jargon involved in order sushi like a professional, but doesn't seem to be enjoying his lunch. Transcript

J.J. Casuals

Summary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot. Note: Repeat from 11/12/05.

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Summary: Hosting a podcast from a booth at Bennigan's, Brendan Kern (Jason Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Bill Hader) flirt with waitress (Kristin Wiig) and interview Julian (Andy Samberg), a childhood friend who picks up girls while using a fake French accent. Note: Although Bill Hader's character is introduced as Lane, for some reason everyone refers to him as Eric throughout the duration of the sketch. Note: Matt Dillon played Andy Samberg's role in dress rehearsal. Transcript

Arctic Monkeys perform "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor"

Bio: Indie rock band; won "Best New Act" at the 2006 Brit Awards; members: Alex Turner (lead vocalist, guitar), Jamie "Cookie" Cook (rhythm guitarist), Andy Nicholson (bass guitar) and Matthew "The Cat" Helders (drummer).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

Summary: Dubai spokesman Farhad Nsar (Horatio Sanz) drops pop culture references while commenting on President Bush's reneged U.S. ports proposal. Mideast expert Will Forte sings an informative jingle that helps differentiate Shai, Sunnis and Kurds.

TV Land Variety Vault

Summary: A lost television recording from 1961 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Don Knotts (Darrell Hammond), Katharine Hepburn (Kristin Wiig) and Rod Serling (Matt Dillon) breaking the fourth wall. Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Katharine Hepburn, Rod Serling. Transcript

Inner Harmony Relaxation Tape

Summary: Frank (Matt Dillon) keeps improvising and speaking loudly while recording his part of the voiceover for a relaxation tape. Transcript

Appalachian Emergency Room

Summary: Yet more personal injury hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd. Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Nettie Bo Dance, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Arctic Monkeys perform "A Certain Romance"

DeCicco Brothers Unicornery

Summary: The DeCicco Brothers (Matt Dillon, Bill Hader) sell unicorns in all shapes and sizes to meet every unusual consumer need. Transcript

Goodnights

Transcript

McNuggets

Summary: A woman (Rachel Dratch) sings the joys of McDonald's McNuggets. Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Merv the Perv

Summary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) interrupts a women's book club meeting. Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.