Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14




05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Prisonmate.net

Single Woman #1.....Rachel Dratch
Single Woman #2.....Kristen Wiig
Dr. L.M. Fontaine.....Finesse Mitchell
Single Woman #3.....Amy Poehler

[FADE IN on a woman in a red sweater against a stark white background.] Woman #1: I hated the singles bars. And speed-dating? It was exhausting and frustrating.

[CUT to another woman with red hair.]

Woman #2: I was so tired of the dating scene. I was beginning to think there just wasn't a man out there for me.

[FADE to Dr. Fontaine in a dark gray suit.]

Dr. Fontaine: I'm Dr. L.M. Fontaine. And I'm here to tell you that there IS somebody for you. I've developed a revolutionary NEW dating service that introduces deserving women to an untapped sea of eligible bachelors. Meet the man of your dreams at prisonmate.net.

[FADE to "prisonmate.net" logo as the words slam together like prison doors. The "o" in "prison" is represented by a heart-shaped padlock. "Everlasting Love" starts playing in the background. FADE to Dr. Fontaine against a shot of women talking to prisoners through windows.]

Dr. Fontaine: Prison mates are available, MOSTLY reformed, and are ready for a loving, fulfilling relationship! You'll never have to worry about commitment issues again. These guys ain't going nowhere.

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

[FADE to first woman sitting at a row of prison phones.]

Woman #1: The conjugal visits make me feel like the only woman in the world. Who knew the love of my life was just a collect call away?

[When she picks up the phone, PAN through the glass to a balding, scruffy inmate who leers hungrily at her.]

Woman #1: Hi, honey!

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

Dr. Fontaine: The only thing in the world they have to do is lift weights! And think about you REAL hard.

Woman #3: My soulmate is a cellmate.

[ZOOM in past her on an inmate in a straitjacket with a green plastic mask covering his face. He stares wild-eyed at her and groans like a maniac.]

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

All Three Women: [in unison] Thank you, prisonmate.met!

[FADE to black.]


Submitted by: Sean


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