Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

How to Order Sushi Like a CEO

CEO.....Matt Dillon
Waitress.....Maya Rudolph

[FADE IN on a man in a business suit sitting at a sushi bar. Japanese Muzak plays in the background.]

CEO: Hi. I'm a CEO type at a large business firm, so you can imagine I eat a lot of sushi. Like boatloads, like beaucoup sushi. When you sit down with clients at a Japanese restaurant, they don't often know what to order, except common things like edamame, and California rolls. Snoozeville. That's why I paid someone to write this book.

[He holds up a red book with a picture of himself holding chopsticks and grinning.]

CEO: "How to Order Sushi Like a CEO." With my book, you'll learn how to wow them, leaving no doubt in their minds that you know sushi like Kristi Yamaguchi. Watch and learn.

[ENTER waitress in a kimono.]

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato. I think I'll start with some toro. [to camera] That's fatty tuna. Whatever I get, I'm gonna be using a lot of namida, or, as uninformed call it, wasabi.

Waitress: So, would you wrike another minute to decide?

CEO: What about your uni? Is the uni good tonight?

Waitress: So you would wrike sea urchin.

CEO: [to camera] Impressive. She knows what uni is.


CEO: You know what? I'll have some uni sashimi, a couple of mirugai, and maybe some ama ebi.

Waitress: So you want sea urchin, giant cram, and sweet shreemp?

CEO: Sashimi.

Waitress: Yes, sashimi.

CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato.

[The waitress gives a "screw-loose" expression to the camera and exits.]

CEO: There's nothing I love more, except midmorning fellatio... than sitting with clients or associates, talking about figures, and eating fresh, authentic sushi.

[The waitress sets a plate of sushi on the bar.]

CEO: Ah. Look at that giant raw clam. [fumbles for bottle] I'm just gonna kiss this baby with a little shoyu sauce... or, as losers call it, soy sauce.

[He bends over the plate, lifts the clam to his mouth, and slurps it out of the shell. He gnashes his teeth and struggles to swallow it.]

CEO: Mmmmm.

[He wipes his lips with a napkin and keeps gritting his teeth. After several seconds, he finally manages to swallow the clam.]

CEO: TERRIFIC. [wipes mouth again] Real Japanese people eat the real deal. For instance... like this sweet shrimp. [picks up plate and chopsticks] It's raw, and it's still got its head.

[He stuffs the shrimp into his mouth and keeps his teeth clamped down. The tail sticks out as he starts looking ill.]

CEO: Mmmmm.

[He covers his mouth with the napkin and surreptitiously spits the shrimp into it.]

CEO: [wads up napkin and puts it on the bar] That is some phenomenal ama ebi. I'm all about the ama ebi. And I always like to top it off... [picks up plate] with... some uni. [picks up fish with chopsticks] Yep. I'm an uni-olic. I need to go to U-A meetings. Oh, yeah. This stuff is crazy good.

[He places the piece of fish in his mouth, bites down, then turns smoothly to his left and spits it out onto the floor. He takes a deep breath and wipes his mouth again.]

CEO: Phenomenal. So next time you go to a sushi bar... for a business dinner with associates, don't act like a zero...

[He fumbles for his book and knocks a chopstick onto the floor.]

CEO: Get my book and order like a CEO. Konbanwa?

[Enter waitress.]

Waitress: Anything else, Meester Douche?


CEO: Apparently, that's my last name in Japanese. [to waitress] Nope. Just the okanjo. [to camera] That means, "check."

[He winks and grins at the camera over applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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